Speaking your mind vs. avoiding conflict

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Do you struggle with this dilemma?

I have a tendency to impulsively say what comes to mind. I often don't realize that something could be offensive until it's too late. But I also have a strong desire to avoid conflict. As a consequence, I am often quiet simply because I know that if I speak freely, I'll say something that will provoke some kind of argument or negative reaction. I take pride in being outspoken, direct, and honest, but avoiding drama is equally important to me.

If you can relate to this, how do you deal with it?

It's the same with me and thus I'm considered to be shy.

It's the same for me. Any time you express an opinion you run the risk of offending someone. The only useful phrase I have come up with (for when people ask your opinion) is "I don't know, what do you think?"

This is a CONSTANT problem for me. The problem is, my ideas are usually considered so "radical" by other people that I tend to cause "unease" by just saying what is in my head. I used to censor myself a lot, but I am tired of that.

For example, such RADICAL ideas as: ~Women and men should be treated equally. ~Animals should be treated humanely ~People shouldn't kiss someone's a** just because they are an authority figure

Etc.

Kim, I have the same problem and I deal with it the same as you do. The more silent I am, the less people reject me. Nowadays I'm considered a wallpaper flower that never has anything interesting to say. If only they knew I'm the exact opposite.

I say we speak our minds. If other people don't like it, that's their problem, not ours. The people worth knowing will appreciate it.

Sometimes speaking up offers a welcome answer. Other times it starts a fight. You have to do the best you can to avoid causing problems for yourself. I fought those battles and lost every time. Emotion wins over logic without fail. If you only offer an idea when you think people are ready for it, you won't feel as satisified. However, without the "troublemaker" label the ideas you do offer have a better chance.

Besides, if you withhold an idea and it's really needed, you can wait until the time is right before saying something. As time wears on, people will become more open to a radical suggestion. If the time is never right then the idea wasn't needed, after all. A friend of mine who tried to teach me this years ago would sometimes shelve an idea for months. He was well respected in the company for his innovative thinking.

I can't help but to have people sneer in my general direction when I open my mouth. It catches them off guard. It pisses them off. Sometimes I get really frustrated and don't understand what the big deal is.

It is a problem that I think everyone deals with to some extent. I also have the same problem with correcting people. When do you let things slide and when do you lay the smack down? It's definitely a dilemma. You just have to learn how to weigh the pros and cons... as with every decision in life, it's all about benefit vs. effort, opportunity cost, etc... you just have to think quickly in each situation and decide when it is worth it. I don't think there is a simple answer, but I definitely know where you're coming from.

I am torn between Spot17's attitude and MysteryFan3's attitude.

I am definitely seen as the troublemaker in a lot of cases; but that's because I have GOOD ideas and other people are weak and idiotic!



I know what you mean, and I think you're right. But waiting is SO difficult for me!



It would be nice if I could live by this simple rule! I wish I could! But I think I have pissed off a lot of people and caused mini-wars.

I think there are times when you are being "cued" to agree-not literally agree but just "rah rah" and nod your head. Sometimes NTs that don't want to agree will say, "I hear what you're saying." "I see where you're coming from."
Those aren't agreeing statements but comforting phrases to show bonding or understanding.

It can be difficult to figure out when someone wants an intellectual discussion or debate and they just want to spout. Today I was at Starbucks and this couple was sitting there reading different parts of the paper. The guy was trying to talk about movie reviews, his wife shut him up with pat answers. Instead of disagreeing, he just said, "yeah". I could tell by how he was describing the movies and kept bringing up more reviews for discussion that he was excited about it. But she couldn't be bothered.
If I had been the guy, I would have ended up arguing with her because she was being a lazy thinker.

It's really hard when your opinion is solicited and then used against you. My husband worked in the place that was hyper-social, they liked very mainstream stuff. One guy asked him about the show, Cops. My husband was honest about it, negative opinion. The guy's face dropped and they stopped speaking to him. Completely unprofessional, imo. If you're going to bring up topics of a personal nature at work, you should be mature enough not to hold their opinions against them.

Great point. And good phrases to use, as a "neutral" answer, if you want.

You are so right its there problem not ours,

Oh yes, those phrases "I see where you're coming from" or "I hear you" are crucial... When you say that, you are feigning agreement in a way that is not too dishonest. I use these phrases all the time, although sometimes it can be painful to say it when in my heart I feel the person has just made an idiotic statement.

As for "it's their problem, not ours, when we speak our minds," I think that is definitely a cop out. Not everyone wants to hear, "Man, I really hate those new shoes you bought. They make you look like an idiot." It's all about putting yourself in another's shoes and thinking about what you would like to hear. I wouldn't mind if one of my good friends were to say, "I'm not that crazy about your new shoes," but if someone other than a close friend or family member were to say that, I would be upset and have no choice but to tell them to take a hike. A lot of it, too, comes down to HOW you speak your mind. There is a big difference in saying, "Those are interesting shoes... I'm not sure if I would wear them, but if you like them, by all means" vs. "What the **** were you thinking when you bought those ridiculous shoes?"

EKim described my experience to the letter.

Comet and Spot, I agree with the principle that it's their problem if you speak your mind BUT...


...I have seen the awful results of being so forthright. It has wrecked a couple of relationships in my experience.

Someone here said that emotion trumps logic every time - and that's true amongst aspies as well: no one really likes to be at the receiving end of sheer, brutal honest opinion. I had a very aspie friend who was searingly scathing in her honesty. She had no comprehension at all of the effect of her outspokenness on me, and was not able to empathise with me about the pain she'd caused me. It was probably the key thing that ultimately ruined our friendship.

I know that feeling that makes me want to be utterly open and speak my mind. I also know that it's often not kind to do so.

Good point; and that is our dilemma, right?

The answer is: there is no answer! There is no hard and fast rule, and that's what we hate!

Thanks for your posts.