Official dx, but still confused

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I've posted this on numerous AS forums over the course of the past week or so, so sorry if you're seeing this again.

I've been wondering about these things for a long time, and was wondering if anyone here could relate.

I was not really a particularly unusual child. I preferred to play alone and usually did, but I usually had one or two friends. My mother says that I always seemed relatively disinterested in other people and didn't seem to care much about having friends. All of my stimming was fairly subtle, and my interests didn't seem unusual. I just read a lot, and sometimes like to re-read a book. (Unlike many aspies, however, I did not learn to read until I was around five or six.) I was a picky eater and had mild tactile sensitivities. One problem which I've always had was having a hard time regulating emotions. I've always become angry/upset/frustrated pretty easily. I don't know what triggered these episodes when I was younger, but today they're often instigated by things not going quite as expected or as planned. However, I was never obsessively into elaborate routines or compulsions; I just don't like it when things go differently from how I plan and expect. I tolerated most sensory input pretty well, though occasionally something really terrifying (like going to the dentist or Chuck E. Cheese) would push me over the edge.

Around the age of ten, social things became more difficult for me and my meltdowns at school became worse/more frequent. At this time I also started having more obvious special interests and my family got a computer, which I spent a huge amount of time on. After a few years of counseling, however, I had fewer problems and more friends. Then my family moved across the country before I started high school (age 14), and things just got progressively worse from there. I didn't know how to make friends, became very withdrawn, and slacked off on classes which I thought were boring or a waste of time. I spent more time than ever on the computer (at the time I was very obsessed with Harry Potter fandom) and resisted my parents' attempts to make me "more involved" or have a social life. I was diagnosed with depression and AD/HD. I began taking medication for ADD and became involved with the school newspaper since I've always liked writing. My grades improved and so did my depression. My mother, however, is a social worker and wasn't convinced that the ADD diagnosis was correct. She did some research on her own and began thinking I might have (mild) AS. I went to a psychologist who specializes in AS, and she diagnosed me based off of a few meetings, talking to my parents, and forms filled out by my parents and one of my high school teachers. I was diagnosed when I was 17, right before I left for college.

The problem is that that was more than two years ago, and I still have trouble believing the diagnosis. Sure, I'm willing to admit that I appear very much like a mild aspie today--social difficulties, few if any friends, intense interests, stimming, clumsiness, can't drive, some sleep problems, picky eating, meltdowns, rigid thinking, likes to wear the same clothes everyday, etc. But I can't quite get around the fact that I was so "almost-normal" as a child, and it doesn't quite make sense to me. I intellectually realize that AS/autism is a spectrum and that there are no clear dividing lines, but that's hard for me to accept and deal with. When I mentioned this to both the psychologist who diagnosed me and my mother, they both said that my apparent inability to deal with "the gray area" was itself a sign of AS. I just keep wishing that there were some definitive way I could know I have it, but I know I'm too mild and "subtle" for that to be case. I'm diagnosed, my parents are sure I have it, my aspie boyfriend is sure I have it, his parents are sure I have it, even my mom's friend who has a severely aspie son thinks I have it. I think so a lot of the time too, but sometimes I don't understand why everyone else is seemingly so sure about it. The thought that I don't have it is terrifying to me, because then I'm just hopelessly shy and emotionally unstable. I've thought about this A LOT and AS does seem to make the most sense out of any neurological/mental condition, but sometimes I can't quite get around the things which don't fit. At this point I should probably mention that I've been perseverating on autism/AS for the past year and a half. My boyfriend thinks my inability to accept this entirely is just more of my immense insecurity problem, and while I think there's something to that, I can't help but also think that it's because I was not a stereotypically AS child. I have promised him that I will try to be more secure about this and other things, but it's hard sometimes. Has anyone experienced similar problem with diagnostic doubt and second-guessing? Am I right to question misdiagnosis, or am I simply being too rigid and thinking too much in black and white? Any and all input is appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to listen to my ramblings.

I think they are all correct. A normal childhood from your point of view, but we are know for missing things.

AS is a very minor condition. Annoying, but minor. I tis also a declining condition, becoming less as we learn ways to cope.

So as you say, a light case, which is good in the Arts and Sciences.

Have fun!