Turning age 18 shouldn't change everything

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"You're so smart, so why can't you hold a job?"

That's what spectrum people face when they reach that magical number that says you're an adult. Because you're overwhelmed by making phone calls, figuring out appointments with doctors, job interviews, etc. Trying to make sense of financial stuff, trying to learn life's dance steps that, it seems that NTs know by instinct....

When my son turned 18, I didn't want to feel that I failed as a parent so I moved up the bar and told him that I'm still raising him until he's 30. Psychologically, it probably made us all enjoy working on moving him forward toward independence. It's helped my husband and me understand more of why we didn't "get it" through the years and the struggles of figuring out what we needed to do to navigate through the NT world.

It's not that he's slower than NTs. He's juggling a whole lot more inside his brain, so, of course, it takes more time.

Each time my son tries something and it doesn't turn out the way he had hoped, it's all good because he tried and has succeeded at gaining more experience points about knowing who he is and which quests he needs to tackle. And he's fun. We like being a part of his adventures. He is so curious about so much.

So parents ought to not follow the NT maturity map when they're helping their specturm kids figure out what they need to do. Expecting to squeeze your kid into an NT mold is a sure way to feel like a failure as a parent and the kid feels horrible about him or herself.

I wouldn't call it traditional, but Americans often have the habit of preventing "children" from engaging in "adult" activities until they reach an arbitrary age. As I experienced, the idea of being a child is pounded into each person's head. He is not only prevented from adult activities including any real work, he is taught to be a child. It's a poor fit for someone who has passed puberty.

My son is in college so I'm not keeping him from experienceing adult life. I'm just trying to help him continue to enjoy finding out about himself and feel positive. I'm there for the things he's not ready to do and there to help figure out what to do and where to go next.

Parenting a kid like him doesn't mean I treat him like an NT little kid for a few more years.

I work for a health insurance company (that Michael Moore doesn't have a problem with, by the way) and I council mothers that are out raged that they still can't carry their 27 year old sons on the family insurance policies.

and I can tell they don't have Autism Spectrum disorder, too, because 1.) we don't pay for AS claims and 2) I have access to every claim they have ever had from a provider.

so no, it is not just Autism Spectrum parents that are still parenting past 18.

Merle

I'd have to disagree, but we can agree to disagree.

Oregon Becky, you're WRONG! Kids are prevented from doing almost any adult thing until a given age, and that is usually between 15 and 21! Want to drive a car? The earliest is like 15.5! Get married? The earliest is perhaps 16! Work? The earliest for most jobs that allow minors is like 16, and many may require parental approval. Drink? Usually 21! Well, your son is in college, so it is probably not an issue now, but the GOVERNMENT restricted his choices earlier.

My parents still let me live at home (although I am going to college full-time, and putting in a good 15-20 hours a week volunteering at a church on top of that)... and they also treat me very much like an adult (unless I engage in behavior that is deemed "childish")

Your a really understanding and great parent, just to let you know. If only there were more like you

This is damaging to an adult to be allowed to be irresponsible like a child. Sounds a lot like the Aspergers by Proxy articles that have been circulating on the Net recently. Thing is by actively allowing your son to be a dependant till 30 he will still be a dependant after 30 and will probably never leave the house.

So what if he goes to college. He is probably the laughing stock of his class and will never get a girl if they find out he lives with his parents who still take care of him. There's a guy like that where I work who still lives with his mama and he is the laughing stock among both the men and women at work. He follows all the women around like a puppy cause he has no clue how to socialize normally and he is considered a stalking pest. He is also very feminine because his only real friend is his mom. That's because his mom controls every aspect of his life.

So if you want your son never to be a MAN, never have a woman his entire life, never have friends, never support himself and otherwise have a worthless life-sure let him be a child till he's 30 & beyond.

The best thing a loving parent can do is kick an adult Aspie out of the house because they will learn to fend for themselves faster than if they are mollycoddled. I'm living alone and self supporting so its not impossible. Cut the apron strings! You are mentally damaging your son for life!

Don't hate. Appreciate.

I'm not wrong about this. I'm very comfortable with our progress. Nothing anyone can say can make me think differently because I see the successes. I'm happy about them and my son is amazing and wonderful.

Ask any social worker about tough love and the homeless aspies who are easy prey. The agencies aren't sure what to do. The answers aren't obvious to people who are used to conforming thought.

Good luck holding a job and going to a top college in a challenging field. Every person in any one of my computer science classes who had a job, had to drop the class because of the 40+ hours of homework a week.

So, no, he probably isn't the "laughing stock of the class" .

I dunno about that. As ornery as Ticker is, I think she's got a point.

Too often parents over protect their kids, and step in continuously to limit or prevent the kid from having any distress in dealing with real life. Real life is hard, and the only way to deal with it is to experience it fully, with whatever aptitude life gave a person. To have mom and dad step in to guide and yet deny the full experience of dealing with distressing events in life is to develop an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

I'm seeing this phenomena in college, and I don't care what kind of issues a student has, I will not talk to the parents about the issue. That is for a counselor. I am willing to deal with the student directly, and find ways he or she can learn in the classroom, but if that student cannot function without a parent, that student does not belong in college, regardless of whether they can do the work. I work with adults. If a student has special needs, she has to have that situation in hand and with a plan to deal with it from disability services. Then I can help. But I won't do it for them. I don't have time.

One cannot learn distress tolerance by being eased into it. One may mature slower, and that may be the way it goes, BUT in the end the person has to do it for themselves if they want to be independent. Doesn't matter about ASD's or any other condition or trait.

And if one cannot be independent or able to navigate college or work, then that's the way it is too, and hopefully there will be supports in those cases.

While I am still dealing with the trauma of growing up in an era where "childhood schizophrenia" was the diagnosis, and having blue collar parents who didn't believe in such nonsense, I would not be as functional as I am now were it not for the expectations put on me. As it is, I am seeing more and more young people hobbled by the limited expectations of their parents and the system, and the sense that "therapy" will deal with the issues despite no evidence to support such claims. And young people will live at home as long as they can, and many (of all kinds) will claim they aren't ready to leave the nest.

There's no easy way to grow up, ASD or not, and eventually, if this young man is going to function, the parents are going to have to boot him out of the nest, and let him make his mistakes. What the parents can do and sounds like they are doing, is making sure he ends up with the coping skills and phone numbers (like when to call 911) to handle mistakes.

Can't grow up without making mistakes, and learning to tolerate the stress is part of that, and that may be a lesson that has to learned over and over, and no parent can prevent that from having to happen.

Metta, Rjaye.

He actually gets along welll with the other students and the teacher. He takes classes that are full of geeks. He tests very high in math and science so we could go the other way and condemn 18 year olds who haven't made it as far academically but we don't. Society condemns the ones who don't understand all the social cues of the dominant culture.

At what age do you think people should be kicked out of the nest? All at the same age?

We spend most of our time in this phase of raising him to remind him to take responsibilty. We are doing it less and less as he takes up the load.

This reminds me of what the "experts" say about letting babies and toddlers sleep with their parents. The experts claimed that the kids would never want to sleep by themselves. This is not true.

My parents say I can live with them for as long as they're alive.

I know many of you will probably disagree with this, but I'd appreciate it if you kept any negative comments to yourself.