Autistics and Socail Abuse...

Post Reply New Topic

How it Affects Autistics
People on the Spectrum can be naïve when it comes to relationships and understanding people. That makes us vulnerable to abuse in some circumstances. If the onset of the abuse is gradual enough, it is possible to find oneself in an abuse situation without realizing it.
There's also the complicating factor that many autistics are less experienced in relationships, which tends to exaggerate the naïveté.

The ability to "target" people with disabilities and conditions is not necessarily a bad thing. It is possible for autistics to find other autistics on the web and elsewhere, and it is possible to focus a search in this direction. It is also entirely reasonable that some NTs enjoy the companionship of autistics. The only thing is to be aware of abusers.

There are also NTs who seek out and enjoy the company of people on the Spectrum who are not abusers. These can be very good people to meet. (One of several definitions of the term "AC" refers to NTs who identify with people on the Spectrum.)

Fortunately, in terms of autism, it is possible to use what NTs refer to as "codewords". Autistic characteristic or terms more familiar to autistics can be used to hint at Autism, examples being "direct communication" "___ more important than eye contact" "pretending to be normal together" "Anthropologist from Mars", etc. This sort of thing is less likely to attract random stalkers. (Next week's subject, "How to form a clique and talk about fashion." The following week, "Botox parties". (Just kidding here!))


Recognizing Abusers
There are two fairly obvious questions about abuse that I'm sure would make people wonder. The first is how the victim could let it continue, and the second is how the victim could have missed the danger signs.
Fortunately, if you miss the first few "red flags", you will notice another one. It's only necessary to be aware of this sort of thing. If the underlying presumption is right or wrong, that should also become apparent, because you've recognized the problem and know what to look for. Once aware of a potential problem, it's much easier to avoid.

One way to avoid this sort of thing is to follow the cliché, "Trust, but verify." It's a lot easier to avoid a problem or to leave if one knows that there is a reason to leave. Do not try to balance the good things about a person with the bad, but simply look at the "bad". Determine if the "bad" is worth saving the relationship.

Look out for classic abuse characteristics, such as isolation, oppressive behaviour in the name of love, excuses, etc. Most of these acts appear normal, because they usually are fairly normal. What you can see is the pattern, but only after you have alerted yourself by observing several "red flags". It's not the "red flag" that's of concern; it's the entire pattern of abuse.

In one sense, the danger signs are not that hard to identify. Before going into that, one must realize that if there is any behaviour which originates from human beings, that trait will appear in just about everyone. For example, if you look at extreme sociopaths who take pleasure at causing pain in others, you see the same trait in very kind people who may, in a friendly way, tease or joke with their friends. The differences are in the magnitude, which in some cases are simply subtleties.

This is important because realizing this allows one to recognize these types of people. It also allows one to recognize that most people are not in that category. As with may things, even though most people are not in that category, they will exhibit traces of the danger signs, so don't look at everyone as being dangerous.

One other way to see this happening is to watch the effects the person has on you. Is your reaction to other friends and relationships now different? There are some signs you can find in your own reaction to the person which suggest abuse. If the other person's greeting, whatever it may be, is a source of misapprehension, then something is wrong. Of course there are always moments of misapprehension, but the overall theme should be that you look forward from hearing from your partner unless you're the "stay out all night with your friends and don't go home" type.

Of course, remember that not everything physical or emotional is abuse.


"Red Flags"
Excuse the details, but responding to "red flags" is something that many people on the Spectrum don't do well. Many NTs don't do well with this on either, at least when it comes to relationships.
In an abuse situation, there will be what some people call "red flags". These "red flags" are signs of abuse, but are not necessarily by themselves abuse. Once you see "red flag" issues, it is easy enough to use your autistic abilities of observation to thoroughly investigate them and act on them.

"Red flags" are indications that something is wrong. Sometimes it's something as simple as a previous criminal conviction, and other times it's something subtle that suggests something to be wary of. Often it's specific behaviour that fits a pattern of danger. A very obvious red flag would be abuse of animals which suggests sociopathic tendencies, but you won't always see that and of course it is possible for an abuser to be kind to animals.

"Red flag" gets its name from car racing. Unlike in a car race, red flags do not mean to immediately stop. They are really signposts of where to look. In the case of a new relationship, one would be looking for red flags, such as undue criticism about social interactions. Once alerted to that possibility, it should be easy enough to tell if it is part of a pattern or an isolated event.

This is convenient because running away from every suspicion results in isolation. Ignoring behaviour signs is also dangerous, as I have found out. By paying attention to red flags, it is possible to judge the person's behaviour and make rational decisions. For Aspies, this is important because it allows us to use our strengths of rational judgement in relationships.

Most "red flags" are too generic to be litmus tests, but they do make good early warning signs. The "red flag" makes an excellent pointer of what to look for. Fortunately, if you miss the first few "red flags", you will notice another one. It's only necessary to be aware of this sort of thing.

So "red flags" are convenient because they draw on past experiences of the person or of others. If the underlying presumption is right or wrong, that should also become apparent, because you've recognized the problem and know what to look for. Once aware of a potential problem, it's much easier to avoid.

How Abuse Affects the Relationship
Don't be taken in by the other person talking about abuse, or their making accusations. It is common for abusers to claim the victim is an abuser. If they have a history of abuse, they know how to disguise it and deflect attention. An abuser can make individual acts appear nearly normal, but once the victim recognizes a sign of abuse, the pattern will be there to observe. Use your autistic sense of observation!
A verbal expression of love or a physical expression of passion is not inconsistent with that person being an abuser. The abuser will always abuse the object of his/her affection.

In a good relationship, the "bad" things should be little nitpicky things that bother you; not harmful things.

http://www.scn.org/people/autistics/abuse.html source

In my case the abuse came from outside of the home, from me peers...years of misunderstanding and stuffing surfaced in the form of an eating disorder and cutting...Its important to find the underlineing cause of why people do what they do, for me it was my aspegers...for others it could be bi poler disorder etc. Just thought I'd raise awerness...

I agree, but a lot of abusive relationships start out in a fairly normal fashion, at least, they have for me.

Rephrasing it, some of my most hurtful relationships have not had the warning signs from the outset. It is like, when an NT figures out (diagnosed or not) that you aren't normal, they start treating you in ways that they would not treat another NT. They get overbearing, high-handed, and have more of a tendency to treat you (me) like a child. They seem to think that a lack of assertiveness + social anxiety = not being able to make my own decisions or determien the course of my own life. In other words, they need to step in and tell me what to do and be controlling and get all ticked off if I don't do what they think I should or life my life the way that they would.

Abuse and controlling behavior isn't always clear cut, and the gray areas can creep up on you so suddenly and then become really hard to sort out even as the situation deteriorates.

Yeah one abusive "friend" that I made started out my freshman year talking together in the back of class (I dont normally do that but to get a friend...) But by the end of that year he and his friends (more his friends) were quite abusive to me and by then I was already somewhat dependant .

_________________
"we never get respect ... never a fair trial
[swearing removed by lau] ... as long as we smile"
Im tired of smiling.

Vote for me in 2020