Do Aspies Generally Make Poor Friends?

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Of the aspies I've met in person, few of them have had the qualities necessary for meaningful friendship. They are usually lacking in several qualities that almost make you think they're not very interested in making friends. See if these apply to you, and explain whether you mind and whether you want (offline) friends at all.

• Extremely low social drive. Many of the aspies I've met seem to have little interest in doing anything with other people (an activity, a hobby, or just talking). They seem to have a quota of just a few hours per month or less. They seem to think that socializing with someone a few times a year is plenty (to me, I would not consider myself close to anyone I socialize with so infrequently unless they happen to be studying abroad or something similar).
• Uncompromising. I don't mean this in the sense that they stand by their principles (although this may well be true); I mean they're not willing to do anything other than what they particularly like to do. Knowing about Asperger's syndrome seems to make this worse for many because now they feel it's part of their condition and not something they should work on. It is rare t find someone with the exact same interests, opinions, and preferences as you; so this also works to minimize friendships.
• Anxiety/Social Inhibition. Anxiety's not that uncommon, but most people want to make an effort to minimize it so that they can enjoy their lives. I have found that extreme shyness or awkwardness is more common among aspies than NTs. I used to be like this too, but I worked on it because life sucks that way.

Now I know many/most of these things derive directly from aspects of Asperger's syndrome, but recognizing you are very inflexible and unwilling to try new things gives you a new choice: You can work on it, and you might end up enjoying your life more.

I'm not saying this is the case with you and your Aspie friends, but bullets 1 and 2 are what happens to me with NTs - and the reason is that theý don't enjoy my company. But just know that NTs can behave the same way.

Though I am NT, my best friend has AS is the only real friend I ever head. He's a great guy.

It's another one of those situations where I'd have to say it really depends on the Aspie in question. I've had a friend on the spectrum who I've known for about 13 years now, and on the other hand I've known people on the spectrum who I couldn't spend 5 minutes around. Here are some of the good and bad points (in general) I've found about having Aspies for friends for me, personally.

GOOD
-Often more analytical than NTs, or at least willing to discuss certain subjects in depth rather than flit from one subject to another.
-Not as afraid of "negative" emotions and subject matter as NTs are.
-Willing to skip the small talk and get straight to the real discussion.
-Capable of obsessing over something, which is good when you connect with someone obsessed with the same thing.
-Less critical of minor faux pas and eccentricities, and not as likely to judge someone on that basis.

BAD (and some of these apply or have applied to me in the past too, just so you know)
-Can have a lack of tact or impulse control when it comes to saying things that would hurt a friend.
-If they have an obsession I can't relate to, especially to the point where they can't talk about anything else (and I have met such people) it can be really hard to connect with them.
-Misunderstandings over such things as expressions (taking things too literally, for instance) and sensory problems are rather common and, with the wrong individual, can get blown out of proportion.

Un bias towards friends. Once my ex girlfriend accused her neighbor of opening her letters. I would not support her on her belief until I had acquired enough evidence.

Those three points may accurately describe the difficulty an aspie has about making new friends... but keeping friends one already has is a relatively different thing.

It's funny that you say this, because I'd say few neurotypicals have the qualities necessary for meaningful friendship. I guess we don't agree about what "meaningful friendship" is. To me it seems like most neurotypicals are only interested in superficial friendship, which I don't find particularly meaningful.

I want to have offline friends, but I'm not looking for superficial friendships. I want deeper and more meaningful friendships.


I like hanging out with one person at a time. I don't usually like being with more people at a time, because then I usually end up excluded from the conversations in one way or another.

I can have great conversations with people when it's one on one and it doesn't necessarily have to be about my interests. I also like doing some activities with friends.

I couldn't hang out with friends all day every day like some people do. I'd be happy to spend time with a good friend a couple of times per week though. Nowadays I must do with meeting them a few times per year though, not because that's my choice, but because my neurotypical friends have a bunch of other friends and family to hang out with and they take turns spending time with each of them. Meanwhile I don't really have many other friends to turn to so I must simply wait my turn, so to speak.


I'm not like that. I have friends who have completely different interests and preferences than I and that's ok. I'll participate or talk about their interests if they'll participate in mine sometimes too. I have plenty of time for my obsessive interests in my alone time.


I don't have much anxiety, but I am socially awkward. With friends it's ok, because they are used to it, but my awkwardness makes it hard to get to know new people. I have worked on it a lot, but I still stick out as different, which drives many people away.

I am an extremely good friend to people who actually bother to get to know me and have a meaningful friendship with me. I go with my friends through good and bad, I'm trustworthy, reliable, loyal and a good listener. Some of my friends have found out the hard way that I was pretty much their only real friend, the only one who was there for them during hard times. Most of their other friends turned out to be superficial ones, the kind who liked hanging out with them while things were fine, but were nowhere to be found when something was wrong.

Your 3 bullet points are very valid, but I'm not sure that Aspies are much different to NT's at 'trying new things'. Nearly *all* people hate change!

I'd add that the people I've met who have been the most unable to accept those of different cultures, or those who have different tastes in food, music, lifestyle have been NT's. Not all NT's but a significant minority who 'like what they know and know what they like'. OK, you could say the same about Aspies, the big difference being we are nowhere near as spiteful and nasty to those who are different.

Willingness to try new things declines dramatically with age and Aspies age (internally) slower!! !

I suspect that some of my best friends have actually been Aspies, although this would go back to a time before it was invented so I didn't know. I just like being around people who have a passionate interest in something other than socialising and are happy going out boozing once a month rather than 4 times a week!

The big problem with AS friends is that they tend to talk in Bullet Points...

I have few close friends. I know a lot of people, but only a handful that I relate to closely.

One friend, whom I don't call regularly, is quite AS. He's a cleaner, which makes for no conversation regarding his job. He's totally obsessed with collecting R & B records of the Fifties and sixties, which gets quite tedious to hear about. He always asks questions 20 years out of date. (He knew me before I met TM.) His house hasn't been fixed up in the last 15 years, and it's a mess. He's nice and all, but requires a lot of patience to chat with...

All of your points apply to me except uncompromising. I have one friend and usually if she wants me to do something I will do it even if I don't want to. I have difficulty saying no to people because I'm not assertive enough. I don't agree though that people with AS all make poor friends. It's just that most people will not give us a chance because we might seem weird. I think I make an okay friend because I'm trustworthy but I cannot emphasize with my friend and I don't initiate things.

But see, I see this as a positive and not a downside to having a friend with AS. I respect and appreciate honesty; sure, at times it may be a little blunt, but I prefer blunt frankness any day to sugarcoating.

I can only speak for my self, and here it is:

There is no half way with me when it comes to socializing. I can either be very close as in a close family member or hardly ever speak to anyone. At times I have tried “small talk” and managed to keep it going for several minutes. After it was over I almost always feel horrible. It feels like someone is scratching a blackboard with his nails and you have bugs crawling all over you while they are doing it. It is not that I am not incredibly lonely or don’t want to be close. I just can’t get through the small talk phase to do so. Once I become very close and intimate then I love to do activities with that person. However I don’t enjoy doing any activity in itself. What I do is closely observe the person that I am intimate with and try to see the world from their eyes. In fact in my mind I pretend to be them. When they enjoy themselves I enjoy the activity with them. No one has any idea I am doing this and of those whom I tried to explain did not even understand what it was that I was saying.



It’s not a matter of but I don’t enjoy any activity by and in itself but through the eyes of that person and I cannot see through their eyes if I am not familiar with them, and if you exclude small talk then the only thing left is an intellectual discussion which is what I particularly want to do and very few people want to engage in.
As for
Tell you what, I’ll get a blackboard and some crawly creatures and let’s see YOU work on it.
Forget about “same”, how about just some intellectual discussion in general.



Too much thought causes anxiety. Now all you have to do is teach me to turn off the cortex and leave the driving to the amygdala like the so called “normal” people do. Would that be a progressive or a regressive advancement in human civilization, you think?

Last edited by Coadunate on 06 Sep 2008, 5:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I don't have a low social drive. I've got too much of one, small things make me happy and big ones over stimulate.

You know, when I was a kid, I had a hard time making friends and got teased a lot. I think it's because I possessed some or all of the characteristics Coadunte and BokeKaeru enumerated.

Even today, I often take people's statements too literally, or take a second or two longer to realize a person's telling a joke. My wife (neurotypical) tells me that It's really hard to get me to quickly switch from topic to topic, like most people do in casual conversation. I usually like to explore topics in depth.

But the interesting thing I've found is that, as an adult, people really seek me out, particularly when they are upset or have a problem. I've been told by my friends that I am a good listener, a good judge of situations, and a good analytical thinker. I think that's why they seek my opinion whenever the situation is serious. Another strange thing I find is that some people find me very funny and tell me I have a great, dry sense of humor. Sometimes I won't even realize I'm telling a joke, but I make them laugh.

The upshot is that I seem to have good friends and satisfying relationships, though I don't like parties and wouldn't consider myself much of a social butterfly. My ideal evening is spent with my wife or my brother or a couple of close friends playing a game or having good conversation.

My parents would like me to socialize more. I still don't collect friendships the way other people do.

Sometimes I ask my wife why she wasn't turned off by my stranger traits. She tells me I have a twinkle in my eye that kept her coming back.

The first and last points on your list are mutually exclusive in many cases. With a low social drive, you don't really care all that much what people think about you, nor do you want a lot of friends. That would tend to make less social anxiety, not more. That is my case--not too much anxiety, also no friends. Well, one long-distance friend.

With a few exceptions, I think, even extroverted Aspies don't want more than a few good friends. We are much more suited to a few close friendships than many casual ones.

Most people are uncompromising. They are just interested in things that most other people are interested in. When the things most people like are the things that utterly bore you, you don't enjoy associating with them. That naturally reduces your pool of potential friends.

You seem to be saying that if you want friends, you need to stop caring about being embarrassed, start forcing yourself to socialize when you don't want to, and start doing things you hate... This sounds like you might end up being pretty miserable no matter how many friends you had.

I think aspies can make great friends. My husband is my only current friend and I'm ok with that. I have had a few very close friends over the years though. I believe I am a most loyal friend, who will never betray you and always be there when needed. However, if you betray me; I will most likely never speak to you again...but that's just me.