Small Talk

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I was wittering away in another post about this and decided it needed a topic of its own.

3 years ago I would refuse to visit a shop if there was a high likelihood of the staff knowing me or perhaps I might see someone who knows me a little. This would just destroy any chance of me going. If the people are complete strangers then I didn't mind as much. The people who recognised me used to try and make small talk and I would always get mixed up and nervous. However, people I had never seen before would follow a clearer pattern of discourse that would be easier to navigate.

I still wish someone could do me a flow chart for every small talk eventuality. I have asked friends to practise with me but they say its not possible to do in a role playing situation because it would not be spontaneous. I don't understand what they are getting at.

For the more mature aspergic people on here - how have you learned to chit chat? Can you explain what how small talk works? I find the whole concept totally alien. I try to explain to people that a symptom of aspergers is the inability to partake in smalltalk. They don't understand what I mean or don't understand what I am getting at by this. I can't explain what it is I cannot do because I don't understand it enough to explain.

I can describe what I can do. I can chat to someone if we have a shared topic or interest that I enjoy. I can talk at long lengths about a personal hobby or interest. I cannot talk if there isn't a topic. So if there isn't a topic then that is small talk and thats what I can't do.

I am very good at starting a conversation with someone about something they have done or are doing (like if they have a new car or something, or the weather is nice) but then I can't respond to what they say back. Usually kills the conversation. I have tried changing the subject at each intersection to continue the conversation but that usually gets them annoyed.

So my question is how do you guys do it? What mechanisms have you developed to enable you to chinwag with your bosom buddies?

I don't.

Most of my mates are either a) extremely tolerant, b) can talk enough to make up for my lack of chit-chat, c) have similar interests, or d) are AS themselves so social chit-chat not on the agenda.

I'm 34 and haven't worked it out yet. Your flow diagram idea is inspired, if you come up with one send me a copy!

I tend to get stuck in circular modes of conversation, beginning with 'hi, how are you?' ending with 'so how are you?' and the middle filled with lots of 'how are you?' and 'so you alright then?'.

This is usually brought to a halt when either a) they start talking about something interesting, b) I start to talk about something I find interesting and bore them rigid for the rest of the evening, or c) they find someone more chatty to talk to.

All my friends tend not pay much attention to me when they are doing the small talk thang. I try to partake but by the time I have thought of something the flow changes and I can't find a suitable interruption point. By the time I do say it the moment has passed and they laugh at me!

I am 29 now. I thought I would have figured it out by now. I tend to be much more socially capable but I am still rubbish compared to NT's.

As for the flow chart - I tend to replay failed chit chat sessions in my head and attempt to figure out what the possibilities are. I know this is futile! No two conversations are ever the same!

People at work think I am a bit ignorant. I say Hi, or they do. I say how are you. Sometimes I do exactly what you do and ask them again. They respond again but I think they think I am mad by this point.

I can do small talk, but it's hard to explain, as I don't undrestand it very well...just enough to get by. basically the key is asking people about themselves...keep them talking about themelves....like if you meet someone, you could comment on a piece of their clothing that you like, or their car, or anything else that's theirs, then ask a few questionsa about it "where did you get it?" etc. you could also ask them what movies/books/music they like, you can get almost endless conversation out of that. Also, if they tell you something isn't going well(their computer is messing up, their mom is sick, etc.) next time you see them ask them how that thing is.
I'm sorry, that's the best I can explain it...I'm not terribly good with explanations

You really can't role play it at all. Small talk is mainly ad-libbed and follows no real path and topics can be really random at times which adds to the confusion. Rehearsing small talk would be like asking a punt returner in american football to run straight up the field regardless of whats in the way instead of trying to find an open path to the endzone (it took me awhile to think this one up so I hope it works).

I'm OK one on one with someone else, but throw me into a group of people and my ability to station keep with everyone else dissapears. [/quote]

I try not to meet with friends unless i am meeting with a group of at least 2 people. They can entertain each other with small talk and I can join in when they hit a topic of interest. As for people I knew from high school or college or once knew but dont see on a regular basis? Utter hell. It is so painfully akward,

some random character who was in the same class as me, probabally dumb as a brick too: "Hey colin! Hey it's colin man, he's so weird man!"

And i don't know their goddamn name, and i dont have anything to talk to them about, and i wanna go elsewhere and not talk to them. I just hope to god i don't run into them.

I haven't looked but if someone wrote a book on "How to talk about meaningless hollow BS with total morons for dummies" i'd buy it.

And I would ask to borrow your copy.

Best technique I've found is to reflect whatever they're saying right back at them. Say essentially the same thing but switch around the wording. That makes you sound caring and empathetic and encourages them to talk about themselves more, saving you the energy of having to come up with things to say.

Person A: "Oh my god, someone took my parking space again."
Me: "Yeah they just planted themselves right in your way."
Person A: (goes on long rant about bad drivers and their parking habits)

Person A (during finals): "Sh**, my brain is fried."
Me: "Finals can do that to you."
Person A: (goes on long rant about all the work they have to do for their classes)

I think i would rather stab myself in the hand. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating an iota.


Person A: "Oh my god, someone took my parking space again."

Me: "Want me to key the hell out of his car?"

Person A: (goes on long rant about bad drivers and their parking habits)

Me: "Yes. People are stupid. This has been established. Repeatedly."


Person A (during finals): "Sh**, my brain is fried."

Me: "Methamphetamine will do that to you."

Person A: (goes on long rant about all the work they have to do for their classes)

Me: "Sounds fun."

LMAO!! ! Personally, *I* wouldn't buy it, because I couldn't care less about discussing bullsh1t with m0r0ns. I try to avoid them at all costs, as it is...

I do the same, I find one-on-one meetups with friends excruciating. In a group there is less pressure to keep up conversation, you can just join in when interested or when you think of something to say (negotiating the pitfalls of interrupting or dragging the conversation back to the topic that you're still thinking about but hasn't been mentioned for the last 5 minutes are another matter mind you!)

I'm quite a sociable person and a bit of an extrovert - I love socialising with groups of people that I know, it's only when I feel under pressure to perform that I detest it - and my real friends don't exert that pressure. Many of them are every bit as socially incompetent as I am.

I wish I could get in the habit of interrupting people with "I don't care" whenever they try to unload their problems onto me through small talk. I'd probably use it about fifteen times per day, at least until they get the hint

Though as it is, I've always had small talk "success" in following pyraxis' strategy. It's all about complaining.

ROFLOL!! Ok, so my ambition outweighs my sincerity at times. I've found that such techniques have their uses, and I don't want a lack of compatibility with NT's to get in the way of my goals.

I have always had problems with small talk. It is hard for me sometimes to get my thoughts together. I have problems carrying out conversations.

Hmmm. Do you think "normals" ever tire of each others' incessant, inane prattle - or do you think that it's so ingrained that they have no qualms about engaging in it regularly? I wonder about this while I'm stuck at work and forced to listen to my co-workers blab on and on and on about what so-and-so wore to the Oscars, who's dating who in Hollywood, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Granted, maybe some folks really find this stuff scintillating; maybe I'm just being an elitist b1tch. But they don't seem to discuss anything of any weight - *ever*. They act like I'm bizarre, for example, for not caring one whit that Angelina Jolie's now with Brad Pitt - when I wouldn't bat an eyelash if she, or Brad, or any of the rest of them fell off the face of the earth tomorrow. Do "normals" *really* not have anything of any substance going through their heads?! Truly boggles my mind.

I love you.