describing life as an aspie

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When I watch videos or read articles on someone's description of their life with Asperger's, I often feel they're describing their symptoms and providing examples of how their Asperger's affects their everyday life. This is all well and good, but when I've attempted the same, I feel as though I'm just repeating what anyone could look up on the internet as a form of diagnostic criteria. I don't feel as though it's unique and personal to me. Most importantly, I'm sure you've all felt this way at some point, I don't feel as though I've communicated myself to those who are listening, that I've fallen short of what I wanted to express, ultimately leaving me feeling more frustrated and isolated.

So, I decided to write up my own answer to the hypothetical question "What is it like having Asperger's Syndrome" and wanted to hear your thoughts on it and whether you can relate to any of it?? Here goes..

"Having Asperger's Syndrome is like being Alice, on speed*, in a louder, brighter version of Wonderland, whilst wearing one of those itchy jumpers your Gran used to knit for you at Christmas - feeling lonely, isolated, confused, awkward and uncomfortable whilst possessing a mind that races at a thousand thoughts per second, trying to make sense of a world where everyone else is none the wiser but all seem to know their place.

I constantly feel as though at any moment some event will open a window of oppurtunity for me to prove that I belong and justify my incessant need to bring order to a realm of chaos. At the same time this feeling is met with an equal and opposite form of foreboding... that those who set the rules - written and otherwise - yet fail to consistently conform to them, are right to try and persuade me that I'm wrong to question them and that certain things, usually the most important, are without predictability and reason, and that my refusal to acknowledge this is not only folly, but madness."

*Amphetamines. I'm assuming there are a great many of you who have never experimented with drugs, to which point I congratulate you if you havn't. But a brief description of what it's like to be under the influence of amphetamines is racing thoughts, almost a feeling that your mind will not switch off. Obviously there are many other effects, but this was the best way I could communicate that feeling of constant thought.

Last edited by bunny-in-the-moon on 05 Oct 2008, 3:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

Nice creative writing thread.

I have had those Alice moments when everything appears brighter, more exciting and vivid than at other times, especially during spring and fall. Maybe I am just detecting the subtle changes in the earth's atmosphere. The cold fronts and cool downs that go along with the changing of the seasons.

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:

Yeah, I'd have to agree, I think that's just you noticing the environment changing. Although that doesn't rule out you being more sensitive to it than others?

With me saying a "brighter, louder version of Wonderland" - apart from the usage of Alice as a character in a similar position, with similar experiences - it's the sensory input thing. The way AS makes me experience things in a much more vivid and intense way compared to that of NT's eg. walking into a nightclub and feeling like I'm going to have a meltdown if I don't get the first two drinks down me fast, all those lights and the music, crowds of people etc.. 'tis all enjoyable after a couple of drinks, but sober, it's horrifying.

Certain noises bother me more than others, which is why I have a fan going at all times at home, to drown out the noises that irritate me. Even the sound of silence annoys me.
Nightclubs...when I go to them two things bother me most:

1. cigarette smoke - especially when it gets in my hair, I really hate that! My hair stinks until I wash it! It gives me a headache!

2. People trying to talk to me when there's loud techno music in my ears. Why do they think I can hear or understand what they say? That drives me crazy, people trying to have a conversation with me expecting me to answer their questions when I can't hear them to begin with.

As for the music, lights, etc...that doesn't bother me.

I can relate to being irritated by certain noises. With me it's mostly noises that no one else seem able to hear , either that or they're not as bothered by it as I am. For instance, that electronic humming sound a TV makes when it's switched off, but it's on standby. I always need to unplug the TV.

I have to admit I smoke.. but can understand you being annoyed with the smell and so on. It's a horrid smell, I agree.
As for people trying to talk to you in a nightclub, yeah, that never really bothered me, because they shout above the music, so I shout back. Do you not find all the hustle and bustle of people being drunk and bumping into you irritating? Obviously I know when you're drunk it's not so bad, well, at least it isn't for me.

A friend of mine knew this lesbian who was drunk and she had her arms around me and was using me to prop hersef up the entire night while at this club and that got on my nerves because I don't like that at all. My shoulders were hurting, plus I am not strong enough. That is the only time I remember being bothered by drunk people at clubs.

That was completely out of order her doing that. Only time I would someone's arms around me at a nightclub is if I was willingly help them stay standing, in order to get them to sit down or something. Oh, either that, or if they were kissing me lol.

I just don't like how obnoxious and selfish people can be when they're drunk sometimes. I'd like to think I behave myself quite well compared to a lot of my friends whilst drunk.

I love it! Sound just like my experience .

My description:

http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com/46713.html

Hi, I just quoted your description on my Aspie Angst blog - I hope that's okay to do?

Awesome, I'm glad it rang true with someone else



Claradoon wrote:


Yeah of course, I'm flattered you'd do so!

Very well written. I can relate 100%.
I too experimented with drugs. I am curious as to why you did, if you don't mind my asking?
I did it out of curiosity. I could not understand what people meant when they talked about the rush, and euphoria, and many of the other "descriptive" words other users choose to describe what being "high" was. I figured the most scientific way to understand this, was to do it, "self-experimentation" if you will.
I know, not the brightest thing to do, one of my periods of, extreme focus brought on by my curiosity to understand something that no one could seem to explain in a way I could better understand it.

Thankyou, appreciate the compliment .

As for why I used drugs.. to be perfectly honest, my reasoning changes everytime I, as a person, do. I can only put that down to having a better understanding of why I did it as I get older gaining more wisdom and insight. I think I can safely say though, that no matter what other underlying reasons there were, I can definetly relate to the curiosity you experienced.

Mind you, despite the fact I don't touch drugs anymore, the majority of my friends still do drugs recreationally, so I do have to accept the presence drugs on some level or another, for my friends' sake.

Bunny in the moon your definition of aspie in close to mine.

I would love to translate it and put it on my blog and also post in a Brazilian community site for aspies and autistic people. I believe 70% of them are bipolar and not aspies because aspies are autistic since they are kids and not everybody is aggressive and depressed and isolated when tehy are teens, 30% high functioning autistic people and their parents write for them, when they write I always go like "what's going on here?", I believe that we are all "what's going on here?" because we are all different so sometimes the old aspergers abpve age 20 and the NTs come to help and say "that's not what you are thinking". I told them that for me being an aspie was like being Alice and they said I was wrong. I grew up autistic so I know how my childhood was distorted and how I don't remeber "children" only objects, chuldren with other disfunction that only interacted with me because they couldn't run away, and that I distorted objects and thoughts and I still beleieve in some even knowing they are not true, but that's still my world. I grew up and now I think, I am Alice myself but that's my world and they go crazy if they want, I can explain, but they sdon't have patience.

"In the Moon" was my nickname in Portuguese, actually from the moon, Da Lua(I come from Brazil), it means crazy. I am never keeping eye contact so I am always looking at the floor or looking up like I am seeing an invisible butterfly. So people call me "Butterfly on(in?) the moon". But I have accepted this condition, maybe because I am much older than you, I am 21. But in your age, 16 to 17, I was aggressive and always depressed and didn't accepted to be mocked and teased for not understanding and not being understood. But nowadays I explain everything very detailed through letters and I even draw ^^.

Thanks for the reply back. I also stopped using as well, and still have friends who do. I did meth for about 3 years, and then one day just stopped. I have friends who did meth, who also stopped, but still "fight the desire" to do it again. I don't have that compulsion. I am curious if you are the same way. Hmm, maybe I should just start a new thread on the subject, lol. I should say that I am curious if those of us who are AS and did drugs, did so just out of curiosity, and not to conform, or make friends out of desperation. And then if they quit, if they still have a desire to go back to it.
You know what, I think I will just start a new thread, that way I dont steal from what your thread was trying to accomplish. I'll post a link to it when finished here if you don't mind though.

Taly wrote:

I would love that, it's very flattering that you would like to.

Taly wrote:


That's fascinating!! I actually took the phrase "bunny in the moon" from a Batman comic, where the Joker is hallucinating and sees a giant bunny on the surface of the moon. It just made me giggle, thought I'd steal it .

Taly wrote:


I'm actually 20 years old, 21 in just over 5 months time . Although I can relate to what you went through at age 16-17, I did experience a lot of angst. Now I'm a lot more settled.