Life skills without reminders

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My son is 9 and I have always tried to prepare him for life skills he will need to know in the future ie - brushing his teeth (I used to have step by step instructions posted in the bathroom and he finally got it on his own! ), taking a shower, washing dishes etc. My concern is this, it seems if I do not remind him it wouldn't get done. For example, when I wake him up in the morning, he often gets very side tracked so I have to tell him when to brush his teeth, grab his back pack for school etc. Or, in the evening when it's time for a shower I have to tell him in steps : ok it's time to take a shower now, please get undressed. If I don't tell him to get undressed, he forgets he has to take a shower. He then forgets to put his clothes in the dirty clothes unless I tell him too. Otherwise, he just takes them off and leaves them on his floor. I have even showed him how to turn on the shower and adjust the temperature (so he can do it himself in privacy), but when he gets undressed he just looks at me as if he doesn't know the next step he should take. Last week I was working with him on washing dishes. I washed them first and had him watch. The next time I had him how to rinse the dishes and showed him where to put them in the dishwasher. Last night I asked if he could wash the dishes and he got very frustrated because he said he did not know what to do and water was getting every where. I had even put the soap in the bowl with some water and showed him how to just dip the dish brush in there and rinse off dishes.

Do any of you have tips on daily living? My goal is to help my son become an independent adult. I am more then willing to do what I can, but would appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Although it's important that you understand your son's problems, I think it is equally crucial that you accept his individuality.

I grew up with a mother who was always insistent on me doing things her way - she questioned every choice I made, every feeling I had and every aspect of my behaviour.

This has left me with hang-ups and uncertainties which remain with me to this day (I'm 27).

I agree with you that teaching your son life skills is important, but be mindful of the fact that he may be more sensitive than you realise, and incredibly saddened by an instinctive feeling that you are disappointed and frustrated at his apparent inability to be 'normal' and do things as you would.

I would advise you to accept his differences and allow him to find his own path, learning how to accomplish things, including menial tasks, in his own unique way

First off, IMHO, I think you are trying to do too much at once. I would toss doing the dishes aside for now until you can get him on a set schedule for personal hygiene and how to do that.

First, I would suggest a visible daily calender of activities and when they should occur. This assumes that your son could tell time. I know this may put him on a rigid schedule but changes can be made later.

Another idea is to come up with pictorial sheets similar to that for brushing teeth that you can but at various places telling your son what the steps are. They must be very specific (I heard one parent mentioning that they had a sheet that told here son who exactly to wash himself in the shower).

You have to realize that activities that we take for granted are actually carry multiple steps. I see that you understand that most on the spectrum do not do well with verbal information and that is good.

Once you have bathing and other personal hygiene under control, then move to dishes. Again, have a chart up that shows the steps.

Another idea is a points system. Every time your son follows the exact steps, offer a token (usually something visual such as poker chips) that can be used to obtain something that he wants. Make it easy at first until you see that he understands the skill (such as one high token if he gets it right once/week) then as the skill is understood, make it harder to obtain the same token.

He will get it eventually, it will however take a lot of patience and understanding.

I think the problem is your son has figured out its easier if mom does everything for him. The fact he stops and looks at you for the next step shows he is not even trying to think for himself and he knows he's got you trained well to just do it for him. You need to quit letting him get out of finishing doing the dishes. You should get harder on him and order him as soon as he gets up to take a bath, put his dirty clothes away, eat breakfast, brush his teeth, etc. My parents were hard on me is how I ever figured out things like this as one day my mom finally said you gotta comb your hair on your own I can't keep doing this since you are in high school. She let me go to school with bedhead and after a few days of people making fun of me I went home and asked her to teach me how to comb my hair. Sometimes the kid needs a reason to learn hygiene. Also it might be good to remind him he must learn these basic life skills that everyone else has to learn because one day he will be a man and live on his own and momma's not coming to his house to help him bathe!

Thank you for all of your suggestions...

Setting up a chart of chores is a very good idea.
I'd color code the chores to define personal versus family versus what ever responsibilities.

I'm also going to comment that its a well used tactic in my family to goof up on any chore that one doesn't want to do
that way who ever assigned the chore gets frustrated and does it them self.

I wonder if I'm "outing" anyone here.

Another question....any ideas where I can buy some picture cards for daily living? I just checked on this site I usually go to, but didn't see any. Thanks!

Ticker is spot on I'd say.

I used to hate taking showers when I was a kid, even during the summertime in CA when it would get to 100 degrees F and I'd be sweating constantly. I'd go for a week without bathing, and though I wondered why my scalp was so itchy and flaky I didn't make the connection that if I were clean I wouldn't have that problem. My mom would get on my case about taking a bath, and she hated the fact she'd have to remind me all the time. During those summers we'd also have a lot of mosquitoes around too and I was really really sensitive to insect bites, i.e. they'd get so itchy and they used to swell so bad, I couldn't stand it. Then one day my mom finally told me that if I were cleaner and took baths more often, my insect bites would be a lot more manageable. Lo and behold, she was right!

So I took baths regularly ever since.

If your son doesn't see a good reason to do a task (like picking up clothes instead of leaving them on the floor), the task is not going to stick. He'll do it if you keep telling him, but if you don't say it he won't do it. Demeus' idea of a points system is a way to get around this, and I'd argue it's better to get a person to do a task through positive reinforcement instead of "if you don't do this you will be punished!" At least with positive reinforcement your son will continue to see you as a potential "giver of good things" instead of a "policewoman with the ever gazing, judging eye." As the parent, you won't want to be the judge... the best you can do is teach some lifeskills, and when your son is an adult he's got to handle himself as best he can.

I understand how you feel when you wonder what will happen to him as an adult if nobody is there to remind him. I don't have a kid myself, but I have a longterm friendship with an Aspie much younger than me, and though he is an adult, is missing a lot of lifeskills because he lost his father prematurely (his mother has been pretty much hands-off), and as I noticed later on, he learns lifeskills from me. I worry about him too, but in the end there's only so much we can do... other than be there when the school of hard knocks makes them overwhelmed. I'm sure you're doing an awesome job!

He's 9. I don't remember doing much better when I was 9, and now I have my PhD, so be hopeful! I'm still getting over a few hangups about being insufficient socially, and resentful about "not getting it" and having things presented in a negative way, but not because of my parents.

Why do things need to be done a certain way? It is necessary to get him out the door on time so he doesn't miss the bus or arrive late at school. Some things are especially important, like taking care of his teeth. If you find it necessary to focus on just a few things, dental care should be one of them. Of all the hygiene items, this is the most important because it's the one that causes damage if neglected. My own teeth are in pretty good shape now (humans would be pretty much screwed without modern dentistry and fluoride), but they would be even better if I had done better with brushing them in my pre-teen years.

I think the idea of trying to master 1 skill at a time, before moving on to the next skill, is a good idea. At this point a chore chart may not be the answer (too much information all at once). But, putting up reminders around the house (i.e. a written list of the specific steps needed to take a shower posted in the bathroom) may help.

Your son sounds like a typical man.

Your son is going to need reminders for a looooong time. Im 19 and I have, stuck to my dressing table "Teddy's list of things he needs to do to get out the door on time" Which includes such banal things as "brush teeth for two full minutes with timer" and "put on socks and shoes."

Perhaps sitting down with him and making his own lists, with pictures and colours and anything that helps him understand and remember. then when he desnt remember or know what to do you can tell him to check his lists - gives him more independence than you telling him what to do all the time. Also, you should work with him to figure out when the job is finished to a standard both of you agree on.

Then when he follows his lists, you coud use the tick chart or the tokens.

I'm 62 and I still need 'reminder lists'. I actually make them myself but the problem is that I avoid looking at them so sometimes no matter how far some of us go we're still going to need a little help along the way in order to have good long lives.

Im nearly 30 and have reminder lists everywhere, I think thats the way to go.

With my girls , its helped to play fun music as we do hated jobs (teeth and hair) which has helped associate it as more pleasurable.

good luck

I make my lists in on the computer, for the girls I make "pecs" style ones with little simple hand drawings and then glue them to card and cut them out and put velcro on them. I also have a series of reward cards (park, cinema) that we can add to the bottom of the list for when weve done it for the week. For my charts I just use tabels and block differnent colours. velcro makes such a difference. Also you can use door mats with velcro pics, you can stick all sorts of things to velcro and cardboard, like magazine pics etc