Social disasters and being pushed into them

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Ever had your parent/s push you into attending (on your own) some event you REALLY didn't want to go to - and it turn into a total disaster area ?

Anecdotes invited.

My dad forced me to play for a sports team, when I was younger. Big mistake, these guys I played with have never interacted with someone like me (quiet and solitary). I was the youngest in the group anyway, and their behaviour most of the time baffled me.

Every Saturday and Sunday for about two years I was a punching bag (metaphorically) for them.

As far as isolated instances are concerned, the usual social anxiety occured but nothing disasterous.

Camp in the woods (5th or 6th grade) was a pretty awful experience for me. I was not well prepared for living in a group (I was an only child) with unfamiliar food and a really noisy cabin for a week. I'm lactose intolerant (was not recognized in those days) and was forced to drink 3 large glasses of milk each day. Then they wondered why I was sick each night. Some of the counselors were borderline bullies. I'm just not a group-think, one-size-fits-all kinda gal. I did love some of the activities, though. And the irony of course is that I'm a really outdoorsy person as an adult and have learned to firmly speak up for my needs, so I would like another crack at camp.

Glad you brought this topic up. I've said before that I don't believe in forced socialization, but most of us have been subjected to it during our lives.

I was pushed into some social situations I didn't enjoy, but most weren't what I would call disasters, just not pleasant.

When my sister was in school, she played in the marching band and often had to go to football games and march in parades. My parents turned it into a family affair and I was almost always dragged to her events. They were noisy, and in some cases cold and rainy, and I didn't enjoy it at all. Sometimes they'd ask me if I wanted to go and when I'd say I didn't, they'd act like it was OK, then force me to go when the time came. One time, I got yelled at in front of my sister and her friends for not being ready when it was time to leave. They all laughed at me as a result. This made no sense to me because I had been asked, I said no, and it seemed like it was OK.

Another time was when my parents got on what I call their "stupid swimming kick." They forced me into the pool everyday when my sister went in and it really upset me. I have posted about this before in this group so I won't go into details about it, but they thought forcing me in everyday would make me interested in it and learn to love it, when what it really did was the opposite.

Towards the end of 6th grade, my mother asked me if I wanted to have a swimming party for my class and I of course said now. She went behind my back, called my teacher, and invited the whole class over for a swimming party. That hurt me so much, because all she did was show me she cared nothing at all for my feelings, all because of swimming. The day of the party came and I refused to swim and she didn't want to force me in front of everyone so she let it go. A bunch of us went to my room and listened to some music, while some others went and played a "spin the bottle" type game in another room. After everyone left, the house was a mess and my mother said to me "They were just supposed to swim, they weren't supposed to go upstairs." I didn't quite understand this, so said something like "uh, ok." She wasn't happy and I never had another swimming party again.

I suffered alot of forced socialization at the hands of my parents and sister in college believe it or not. My sister was going to move out of state to go to graduate school and I couldn't wait to finally be free of her. However, she changed her mind at the last minute and stayed home. If my sister wanted me to go somewhere with her and I didn't want to, she'd get upset and our parents would get upset with me for upsetting her. It often ended up in a big fight and I ended up often being forced to go shopping with her and later, go to football games with her, something I didn't enjoy, concerts, and her friend's parties, often with her friends inviting me by asking her and her accepting for me. One friend once flat out told me she said to my sister I had to go to her party even if I had to be dragged there, because of my reputation for not liking to go out and do what they defined as "fun." It wasn't disasterous, I ended up being around people I have nothing in common with and probably wouldn't associate with under other circumstances, bored, uncomfortable, and constantly looking at my watch hoping it would end soon. My parents insisted I needed these things because if I didn't socialize enough, I'd end up "warped."

What made even less sense about all of this was when my sister did finally move out, I stopped doing these things. I was waiting for all hell to break loose with my parents when I didn't attend home football games and the spring concert on campus since they were so concerned about my not socializing enough or socializing the right way sending me on a path to a mental institution that they'd try to intervene somehow, but they didn't. In fact, when I was getting A's on exams, they were thrilled, and even more so when I brought home the highest GPA I've ever had. Of course, being able to better plan my time so I could work without having to constantly drop it for my sister, or having her hassling me about spending too much time studying, of course I'll do better.

No disasters, just alot of misery and trouble I shouldn't have had. When are those NTs going to realize that forced socialization does not work.

My parents have never odne this to me, thankfully. I did play football for 5 years, and I loved that sport. I played corner, so I didn't get to hit much, but when I did get a chance to hit a guy, I would be running full speed at him and hit him like a truck. I love full contact sports, also did wrestling. I didn't care much for the social aspects of playing for a team though.

The comments on this thread are very reassuring. I do not force my 11-year-old AS son to do any extracurricular activity he doesn't want to. (And he hates all that stuff, pretty much.) There is SO much pressure among parents to put your kid in a thousand activities a week, and to have the entire class over for a party every flipping year. If you don't sign your kid up for every activity that comes along, people will bend over backwards to make you feel like you are depriving your child of yet another necessary experience. It's nice to hear how much people hate being forced to do that stuff, because it makes me feel like I am doing the right thing by not inflicting all that on my kids. I can't see the benefit of making him do some kind of social/extra-curricular activity that he hates. He'd be too stressed out and unhappy to get anything out of it, except bad memories.

I had the good fortune to be raised by a mother who is just as introverted as myself, and there was never any pressure to go and do all that horrible stuff.

You sound like a really considerate and conscientious mom, elderwanda!

It wasn't a "disaster" and even though I enjoyed it at the same time, there was one time I had to travel to a film festival for an overnight stay with a movie club. I had to do a lot of socialising and when I recieved a certificate on stage I had to watch the other club members to know what to do. I also had a mini-meltdown on my own walking around the media museum where the festival was. I had to use a store as my "safe place." I couldn't socialise with the other members but the staff knew I was autistic.

It wasn't a "disaster" and even though I enjoyed it at the same time, there was one time I had to travel to a film festival for an overnight stay with a movie club. I had to do a lot of socialising and when I recieved a certificate on stage I had to watch the other club members to know what to do. I also had a mini-meltdown on my own walking around the media museum where the festival was. I had to use a store as my "safe place." I couldn't socialise with the other members but the staff knew I was autistic.

It's great that you are like that towards your son. There are so many other ways a child, AS or otherwise, can learn and grow that they don't need to be in an organized activty for. It's just crazy.

What made it worse with me was I was denied things I enjoyed to have swimming and other stuff crammed down my throat. All I associate the things that were forced me with was that they were used to take things away from me that I truly was interested in. All I got from it was like you said, bad memories.

My parents had been like yours were once, but then they changed and weren't that way anymore. During the time after they changed, I became unhappy, depressed, and didn't care much about anything anymore. I was often afraid to pursue interests becuse I knew what I wanted would be denied so something else could be crammed down my throat. I resented them for that and still do.

There are alot of like minded people who will agree with you here, as they have with me.

Peace be with you and your son.

When I was a kid, my parents were quite introverted, too. However, they made me participate in a whole range of extra-curricular activities including playing an instrument in the area youth orchestra, swimming, and scouts. Most of it I hated as I had no idea how to interact with the other kids, but with hindsight I'm glad they made me do those things because it's made me independent, and given me the perseverance to complete unpleasant but necessary tasks. Although they may have forced me into activities, when some did end in disaster, they were always supportive. My observation is that you may be doing your child a disservice by not exposing him to the kinds of situation he will have to face if he wants to earn a living as an independent adult.

My mom forced me to go to school and it was hell

I'm so glad to hear of another mom resisting the pressure to have their kid do something 24/7. My daughter is NT and I have always resisted that nonsense. It generally comes from parents whose lives are out of control and they start making their kids' lives be the same way.

My kid's idea of a great vacation is to be able to sleep in and see her friends. I think I can now sit back and bask in the glory of having succeeded as a mother!

My parents pushed me to play piano recitals and statewide contests when I was a kid. Such hell. There is a Polaroid picture of me somewhere that was taken just before one of these ordeals. The look on my face is, "Please, if you have any mercy, kill me now."

But no. I had to go. I had to sit and listen to all the other little geniuses play their pieces while I was scared to death, practically panicking, and hoping against hope that one of them would completely f**k up before I did. Then I'd get up on the stage and play my piece thinking, "Wow, look at my hands, that's so weird, they're playing Bach from memory. I'm sure glad the rest of me doesn't have to stick around for this..."

I also remember having to go to a social event in high school for people who had gotten into a certain hoity-toity college that I was considering going to. It was awful--lots of very rich people, pillars of the community and all that, and there was little old overwhelmed undx-ed Aspie me thinking, "Oh, crap, I left the script for this on my home planet."

I ended up going to the hoity-toity college, because my parents told me to. Another nightmare. But it had its advantages. After two years, I was so burned out and pissed off that I left for the west coast and got myself a LIFE!

Well, attending college would have to be the largest social disaster I was ever pushed into.

When I graduated from high school, with a good GPA and a partial scholarship, I remember having a number of college application forms sitting on the desk in my room. There they sat, for months... years... untouched. Although I didn't realize the extent of it, I was somehow unable to make myself take this large and necessary step. I felt paralyzed. Terrified. My parents, of course, were baffled and they eventually forced me to either go to school or move out. I wound up at the local community college, ironically recalling earlier memories of my mother advising me to get good grades, lest I "end up" at community college. Now, despite very good grades, this was the best I could do.

I did OK for one term, then failed all my classes the second, because I stopped going half-way through. I just couldn't do it. I had too many issues with people. I was confused. And I was self-medicating my anxiety and confusion with drugs and alcohol. My parents were shocked and angry, and they gave me one more chance to get it together. I went back to school for another term, then did the same thing. I withdrew after a few months. Then did it AGAIN. After this, I gave up completely, moved into an apartment with some of my other drop-out co-dependent acquaintances and proceeded to spiral out of control.

After almost two years of doing this, these acquaintances (I cannot really call them friends) bailed on me, and left me responsible for the apartment. This was the lowest point in my life. I was seriously considering selling all my possessions, buying a used van, and living out of it. Instead, I asked my parents for help, as I had no one else to turn to. After much deliberation, they agreed to help me, provided that I play by their rules and meet certain deadlines for improvement. I agreed. I had no other choice.

I got back into school and managed to complete the requirements for an Associate's Degree. This is supposed to be a two-year degree. It took me more than four. However, I felt good about this achievement and optimistic about my future. The problem was, I had no idea where to go from there. I had no clear idea about a career, or even a course of study. I had interests, but I had long since given up on them as being sustainable career choices. Again, I was drifting.

After awhile, I decided on teaching as a way for me to integrate my interests into a course of study and a job. I entered the College of Education at the local University with a good deal of hope. However, much like the previous pattern, I quickly lost my grip on things. This stuff was not hard. I was perfectly capable. But somehow I failed classes and messed up. I was actually "unofficially" kicked out of the College at one point for chronic failures and academic problems, but I had one professor stick up for me, and I was able to petition to stay in. I graduated by the absolute slimmest of margins. It took me more than seven years to obtain a "four-year" degree. At the end of this, I was overwrought with anxiety and mental and physical exhaustion, but the most relieved I have ever been in my life.

Now I had my degree. I was ready for the world. Right? NOPE. But that is seriously a whole 'nother story, and it strays from the original topic, so I'll stop now.
wow, that felt good to get out.

Why is it always the NT/extrovert (I'm sure non-AS but introverted people have similar problems here) whose feelings everyone has to be so careful of? Few people appear to care that the AS/introverted person is unhappy, bored or distressed in the situation - all that matters is that it would be 'rude' or would 'hurt the other person's feelings' if they didn't go. One could easily say, "Well, everyone has to do things they don't want to sometimes," but it always seems to be us who have to fit around other people, to do things because they want to, never them.