BF doesn't want me diagnosed.

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My current psychologist is wonderful, but she thinks I might have AS and doesn't feel qualified to diagnose an adult female (because women are difficult ). She has more experience with aspy children. So in a few weeks I'm off to see another psychologist.

I don't think my partner wants me to go. He keeps saying that "It won't change anything. You'll still be the same person. So why bother?".

I can see what he means. I never even really new about AS until now, and I suppose I fit in alright. People just think I'm a bit of a nerd. But now that she mentioned the possibility, I just have to know. I hate living with this huge unanswered question over me. I don't know what I'll do with the answer, I just know that I need it.

But he's worried (or something). He's bottling it up and I hate that because he's hard enough to read as it is.

I don't know what's worrying him. He doesn't really want to talk about it, not properly.


I know there are other people in long-term relationships who didn't find out about their AS until later. How did your partner cope? Did they have any concerns about you being diagnosed?

Just get it done and either let him know that you just want to know, even if it doesn't change anything, or get it done and don't ever tell him, although he will probably see right through the second.

maybe he's worried about the secret handshake and the decoder ring that comes with it...

he said it himself; it won't change anything about you personally, you'll still be the one he cares about.

First off, I'll let you know I'm sympathetic to your need for information. I am also an adult female who suspects she has AS. I have my diagnostic evaluation on February 10th.

Whether or not you undergo diagnostic evaluation is your decision. Your boyfriend has no say in the matter. He doesn't live inside your head and doesn't fully comprehend your experiences, no matter how much you have told him or how long you have been together.

You might challenge him by asking why it matters so much to him that you don't undergo evaluation. If it truly won't change anything, as he says, then he shouldn't care one way or the other.

Perhaps this is a test of how loyal he is to you. If he ends the relationship upon your diagnosis of AS, then he wasn't really worth having anyway.

I'd still get the diagnosis (I just have to!).
He wouldn't leave me.


I'm just having trouble understanding him right now, and I hate not understanding things. I'd like to know if others have had similar reactions so I can make things easier for him.

Maybe he doesn't want you diagnosed because he thinks you might start using it as en excuse because it's official. Some aspies do that.


I was already diagnosed so my bf didn't deny my diagnoses when he read Pretending to be Normal. He just said everyone was different and he is no doctor to say I don't have it. He sees it in me all the time though.

So why do you want a diagnoses? Is there something you want like disability or get help from disability services to help get a job?

like others said and he might just not want you to be worrying about what you're going through. its not something that you should be killing yourself. you having a bf is steps ahead from many here.

:\

I was 40 when I got my diagnosis. My partner didn't really have much to say on the subject. He was more concerned about the cost and if our insurance would cover any of it.

boyfriends come and boyfriends go. . .Asperger's will be with you for life.
do what you want to do and either tell your boyfriend or not.

Merle

It's your choice.

A lot of people were denying that I had AS when I was thinking about getting diagnosed.
If I was dating my last boyfriend and told him I thought I had AS he would just roll his eyes.

I know how it feels when you really want to know if you have AS, even if you're doing well in life.
I would say go for it.

Maybe he sees it in very simplistic terms: as unnecessarily seeking an official label for a disorder. It's likely he doesn't know, and cannot imagine, how you perceive the world, so may even assume it's not so different to his own perceptions. He probably has no understanding of your perspective, and what it's like to grow up so different to others and not know why; or how a diagnosis is very important for your self-knowledge, or even sense of identity. He might simply view it in terms of labels and stigma.

We've been together 7 years so he already knows all my quirks. I think he actually likes it that I'm not "normal".

I've read bits of Tony Attwood's book to him, and he agrees that it sounds a lot like me. I think he's accepted that AS is part of who I am, and that doesn't seem to bother him.

It's something about a formal diagnosis. It makes him ... it's so hard to tell what emotion it is! It's one of the bad ones, and he bottles it up inside and won't talk about it.

So it's like the problem isn't AS, it's the diagnosis. And to me that just doesn't make sense.

I might ask him directly if he's worried about how people will treat me. It's not really something that I've thought about, even though I probably should. I'm still thinking about me, not them.

Or maybe he is worried about me making excuses. I didn't think much about it when it was mentioned earlier because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do that, but how is he supposed to know that?



Is there much stigma attached to being the partner of someone with AS?

Hmm, here's some brainstorming. I don't know anything about him, but it might help trigger some ideas in you or help you recall any clues he's given. It really depends on the person if they see it as a stigma. Some partners find relief in knowing for sure, whereas others don't wish to face the fact that it is a permanent condition (they might have held some hope the other might change eventually).

Possibilities:

Maybe he sees the AS label, particuarly in your case, as labelling a natural variant of the human condition. He might have some strong beliefs around things related to psych labelling.

Maybe he is somewhat put off by labels and does not wish his perceptions of you to change.

Maybe he had a bad experience with labels and stigma in the past.

He might be trying to protect you from social stigma, or something else.

He might worry how others will take it if you are diagnosed.

He might be worrying it will change your relationship in some way.