When they ask you to stop annoying someone

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It is one of my darkest secrets: it happens to me often that someone I want to be in good relations with gets angry at me for the negative reactions I elicit from a third person. They ask me to stop annoying that person. Currently my supervisor is very angry at me because she keeps getting complaints from some colleagues about how annoying I am. My supervisor keeps asking me to stop annoying these people. What can I do? Tell her that I've no f*****g idea what I do that annoys people? This is just an example, but it's happened to me with bosses, with my parents asking me to stop annoying my siblings, with friends asking me to stop annoying their other friends, with romantic partners asking me to stop annoying their families, with therapist asking me to stop annoying the other members in the therapy group, etc.

Having AS and living in society gets us some terribly unfair accusations.

Believe me, it's worse when they DON'T tell you you're annoying, and just ignore you without giving a reason. In today's PC world, we can't be told anything honest because we're "special". Maybe it's not as PC where you live.

hello greentea, i see what you mean about this,

i hate this way of communication as well, (use of 3rd party to get a message across)

if you know who these people are, have you maybe trie eto find the time to tell them privately that if something bothers them to come directly to you and be honest with you about their feelings?? many aspies dont see nonverbal cues and soemtimes are best told directly and up front and to the point, not through 3rd party communication. also benifit is that maybe worker will understand, find out that its just rude to tell other people other's business, and that its just easier to talk directly to the person that your having trouble with and get straight talk and not have to deal with a messenger to transport the message to and from the other person.

possible you can maybe somehow drop a letter or voicemail to him or her telling them your feelings about telling the boss about your issues?? im sure that if they told you directly that your bothering them that you would not be too upset and that you would apologise and it not be a big deal and be happier with them being straight foward and to the point without having to tell another person to deal with you.


used to happen to me alot when i was in high school, i think its just plain rude and childish of worker to tell the boss like a little tattletale kid telling mommy about another child (im gonna tell mommy on you........) its just not grown up of him or other worker to do that, plus its just more adult and easier to deal with if the person was to just calmly say " you sometimes bother me when im busy and i liek speaking to you but not when im getting things done" and maybe that could help with working relationship between you and worker(s)

long story short about my situation of 3rd party communication, i did find out who it was that used to do the tattling, she also used to get into my personal space too, and didn't that the smell she was smelling was not BO, it was petrolium distillate fumes (from bad hydraulic fluid used to control doors and keep them shut, lesson learned there, don't "test drive" just any door control device/closer, use the kind that are best to be suited for schools and can put up the abuse kids can dish out on a door)

hope this helps,

Thank you, doordoctor. You're right, of course. The problem is when someone sees I don't get along with a third person, the third person hasn't told them anything but the second person can see it themselves and tell me to stop annoying the third person - as if I had any control of how much others like me (dislike me, actually). What can I tell them? That I'm an annoying person and can't help it? I just have to sit there listening to the admonishing in silence and promise to try, when I know there's nothing I can try.

I often hear people telling me to shut up, and I have been called a troll quite often in some forums and such, but I legitimatly don't know when I am coming across as annoying, and I am certainly not trying to. On the chat my university exclusivly uses, I am regarded as the biggest troll there is, and I don't intend to do that.

Hm.. You mean that a third person percieve your contact with another person as annoying or bothering? I would not pay much attention to that.
You don't strike me as a bothersome person. Just tell that third person to take a hike.

I mean when person A is bothered because person B is constantly annoyed by me and therefore aggressive. So A asks me to stop annoying B - as if I could.

seriously, I would ask them and yes Greentea, I would ask the supervisor what i'm doing to annoy people if i was in that situation.

greentea, least you were told WHO "tattled" with the school they would just say "its confidential" or someone anonymous, way i found out was asked around and watched behavior of others especially the person who complained to better find out who did it

now it seems your saying that #1 is speaking the thoughts for number 2 saying that you #3 to not annoy #2??? why ot just say "if number 2 felt i was annoying her im sure #2 would say so and i will stop, im sure #2 can speak"

about popularity, many with aspergers don't fit in and sometimes not worth it, i mean your paid to work, not like same sports team as the other person, or go to movies with them, and i dont think smalltalk is a requirement to work (no idea what your occupation is)

I think my boss tells my coworkers not say anything to me about being annoying. I realize sometimes I am irritating, but most of the time I don't notice. When I try to make up for it, my co workers laugh like my acknowledgment of being difficult is the understatement of the year.
My wife on the other hand is always telling me to be nicer and to not annoy people so much.

Would it work to ask the person you are with what you are doing to annoy the third person? Or, is there someone that you get along well with that could tell you what you are doing wrong? I would honestly consider waiting until the third person is gone and then asking the person you are with something like this: "I didn't mean to be annoying back there. What was I doing that was annoying?"

One thought is this: If you are doing something that annoys people at work, there is a good chance that you do it outside of work also. Is there a family member or friend that you could ask about it?

Another idea: If you could post a specific incident (with as much detail as possible), people here on WP might be able to offer suggestions.

It can be very baffling sometimes to know why or how you are upsetting or annoying someone else. I've been in situations all my life where teachers or employers have told me off for annoying people. Unfortunately they are seldom very clear what the exact nature of the problem is. I'm usually too stunned because I'm being told off to think to ask why?

I have been told that I am annoying, or sometimes I upset people greatly.

When I ask why, however, those people would usually respond, "You KNOW what you did." (When, of course I don't.)
Or they would not answer at all, and get even madder that I would dare ask them why.


Is there anything to do in that kind of situation?

I can't. I try not to but. O and sometimes I get no explanation either.