How do I stop caring about work, school, friends, gf, etc

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Hi,

I think about my bad career, college loans, lack of gf or friends, bad job, etc. and it makes me feel depressed and lonely - and when I am with other people - I feel anxious and self conscious. How can I just stop caring? I know you cannot get rid of depression or anxiety, but I wonder if you can stop caring about these things?

Don't worry I know all about it. I've more or less failed at everything I've tried, and I mean epic failed. My meds do help though, along with therapy. I know all about being self conscious and anxiety, and consciously trying to forget about it just makes things worst. It all has to do with understanding. If your understanding about the world around you changes then you will find it easier to let go. What specific things you need to realise about the world, only you can figure out, as everyone is different.

Try to surround yourself with people who care, and speak to them. Getting rid of all the things in your head helps.

The uncaring life topic

I have never had a true friend in my life, and for this I am glad, believe it or not. I care about my pets and books, and desire a job for it to provide a paycheck. Courses I take in order to improve my mind, and volunteer work I do to keep up my skills. If I socialize at all, it is superficial and functions as the basis for my art.

I like my own company. I am never lonely.

I think that perspective helps a lot.

Right now you are looking inward, frustrated with what isn't working in your life. If you can, look beyond yourself to others. This can do two things for you -- 1) you'll see that others often are doing badly as well, in at least a few areas of their lives, and suddenly your failures seem small compared to theirs, and 2) you might build empathy for those who are less fortunate than you.

After a while, if you spend time observing others, you can also see what it is in those who do NOT fail, and learn to emulate that behavior. Usually, those who do not fail are not successful all of the time -- they are merely PERSISTENT. They do not allow discouragement to get in the way of their success -- they often use their many failures to propel them toward their success.

You will succeed, given time and persistence.

I'm there now. I can't say I "don't care," but I think I have learned to care less.

First, I accepted (before finding out about AS) that I was just f****d when it came to careers. I made some bad choices in life (in my opinion largely thanks to AS, but AS wasn't even known in the US back then). I feel 100% that these mistakes led to pain and issues that only poisoned my life for years afterward. A friend of mine told me I'd never have a government or corporate job because I was a perfectionist and too different to fit in with the office culture. He told me such places have HR people who are more concerned about you making them look bad if you don't work out rather than looking for someone capable of doing brilliant things just because they don't think like everyone else. He encouraged me to stop trying to get what everyone else has and focus more on working for myself because I really was the only kind of person who would put up with me. This changed how I looked at work and careers, and it helped me to "care less" about the fact that I don't have the career that I had hoped for when I was a kid.

Second, on college loans, I knew I was f****d when 9/11 happened. It tanked the economy and put a lot of experienced people out of work. It made the good jobs hard to come by and vastly increased the amount of competition for those jobs. Couple that with what I just said above, and I soon realized there is a good chance I won't ever pay off my debt. Fortunately, I anticipated this outcome (due to how often I seem to get screwed over in life) and I have researched the law regarding student loans and bankruptcy. I consolidated my loans with the Department of Education in order to get the Income Contingent Repayment Plan (ICR). You have a legal right to this plan and can reconsolidate already consolidated loans if your current lender won't give you ICR (DoE is the only one that does this, all the private lenders do a variation, but be sure to compare the description to the legal definition of the ICR plan...they aren't the same). Under ICR, your payments are capped at 20% of your "disposable income" which is your Adjusted Gross Income minus the poverty level for your size family. This keeps payments bearable and whatever you don't pay off in 25 years is "forgiven." The "forgiven" amount is subject to taxation under current IRS rules, but if the tax burden would be too great to bear, you can subject your student loans to bankruptcy discharge as an "undue hardship." The bankruptcy courts have held that the tax burden of a large sum being "forgiven" at one time constitutes an "undue hardship."

So, I have two options....save up on the side to pay the tax burden when my balance is forgiven, or if the amount will be too massive, plan on filing for bankruptcy discharge 2-3 years before the 25-year period expires on "undue hardship" angle.

It would be nice if I make lots of money and can just pay them off, but so far that's not looking too good.

In short...having a plan for dealing with student loans has done a great deal to resolve my issues over them.

Third, the issue of "significant other" or "friends." I don't have much of an issue over not dating. To me, the reason for the ritual is to find a mate and have kids. I have no desire for children, so I don't see a point in finding someone...especially if she wants to have kids and I don't at this time. Friends is the harder matter I still struggle with. I always knew I was different, but I never knew about AS. Most people I get along well with I initially met online. Some know about my status with AS, and I think it helps them be more tolerant of my "quirks." Socializing is to the point where I prefer to be home alone...not because I want to be alone, but the work involved in trying to monitor my conduct and speech when in public is more effort than I get back out of the exercise. I know very few people who seem to accept me the way I am. I have chosen to walk away from people and groups that want me to be something I'm not. I've learned that trying to please others often only leaves me unhappy.

Fourth, I list "bad job" with "bad career," but I'm fortunate enough that I can obtain and hold a job. So, if I'm really unhappy in a position, I don't hesitate to apply for something else and move on. With where I am now, I desperately want to move on...not because I don't like my job or I hate who I work with, but I feel trapped...going nowhere...a yearning to do something new and different in a different place. Unfortunately, not only am I a bit scared to just leave and move on because I know I don't have a great chance of finding something else easily, but in this economy, the smarter move is to stay where I'm at unless something great comes along...which isn't that likely.


I suppose if you can learn anything here, the key is to take a lesson from the Danes. IIRC, they were rated the happiest people in the world. The secret? LOW EXPECTATIONS!

Growing up, I believed I could do anything, be anyone. Life taught me otherwise, and I was bitter because I had all these big dreams I knew would never be. The Danes don't seek much or expect much from life, so most of the time what happens exceeds their expectations. Instead of always being disappointed in how outcomes don't match their expectations, they lower their standards and take joy in the multitude of ways life treats them better than they expected.

In essence, I needed a major attitude adjustment.

This isn't that hard to start doing. First you realize that the world is a cold, cruel place that owes you nothing, and then add to that the fact that no matter how special you think you are, in the scheme of the human race, the odds are you are utterly insignificant. From that perspective, you realize everyone (AS and NT) thinks a lot higher of themselves than they should and maybe what you expect of life and of yourself is really overinflated.