Corrupt A Wish

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I had a red-eared slider as I once told you. He always seemed happy. Why don't you get two more? You obviously love them. And they will love you....

Granted, but the definition of "safe" is fuzzy. As a result, the turtles flock on the moon (don't ask how), which is quite safe, but is critically lacking in oxygen.

I wish humans would stop pumping pollutants into the atmosphere.

Granted, they pump pollutants into the oceans instead.

I wish I knew how to teleport.

Granted but you always accidentally teleport into brick walls.

I wish I had a Holodeck in my apartment.

Granted but it has to be installed in your shower room so you have to visit the car wash for any future bathing rituals.

I wish for a little snow, just a little as we haven't had that much this winter.

Granted, there is a little snow, but it shoots up out of the ground with extreme force instead of down from the clouds, and it breaks through floors so buildings get filled with snow, causing significant damage.

I wish I had a laptop.

Granted. Sit down and you see the top of your lap.

I wish the toilet was not occupied.

Granted, the toilet isn't occupied but now it's preoccupied, so you still can't go.

I wish cravings didn't exist.

Granted! You don't crave any kind of food. You don't eat at all.

I wish to get a move on with my life.

Granted, you get a move on with your life. You are now divorced from a drunk, your child is dying from a dreadful disease and the hospital bills are the death of you. You’re the director of a museum whose art is all counterfeit, and you will soon be on trial. It started before you took over, but you’re framed just the same. Aren't you glad you moved on?

I think I wish to eat occasionally.

Wow, that is so depressing!

Granted! You eat once a week, and that's it.

I wish to not have such a depressing future.

Yeah, I actually felt a little blue just making that up…

Granted! Your future is not that depressing.
However, you will develop a harmless condition that makes you go to the bathroom in your pants. How ironic!

I wish to never get such an embarrassing and smelly condition as whatever you’ve got

I just can't grant that

I wish to not have a condition that makes me go to the bathroom in my pants, or any other embarrassing or smelly conditions.

Granted, but now you’re going pre-senile. And at such a young age! How tragic.

I wish to never do that either.

Granted!

I wish to never go senile.

Granted, you won’t go senile, but you will develop multiple personality disorder. And you have so many contradicting personalities too. One is hypoactive, another has ADHD, one starts a doll collection, another acquires a pet spider, and two others just hate each other and bicker all the time. And trapped in there are you. Have fun, all of you!

I wish I always was quick and did things correctly.