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Did you hear about the giant rat that swallowed the nun?
They tried to free him, but all they could do was pull the habit out of the
rat.

a notable tea party quote: "Don't feed table scraps to the animals." translation- let the riffraff [working class people] starve. on earth this is not a joke but in the judgment time of God it surely will be, as i'll be laughing my ass off when God thoroughly disrespects these people.

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with
a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric
characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) she wore short skirts
and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to
die for. The bakery has a small storefront so it was necessary to have the
various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost
items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming
the most popular with gentlemen in particular was raisin bread, which was
kept on the uppermost shelf. One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a
loaf of bread. The young lady without thinking scurried up the ladder and
then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had
wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No, he replied but it is
beginning to twitch just a little."

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in
California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The
male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer
managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and
told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see
what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that
the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So
one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.So the other
Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate
his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told
you that the Czech is in the male?"

Why was 6 afraid of 7...JK I suck at telling jokes.

The gift of life
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "You are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."
The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."
The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.
AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?













A stick.

There was a Russian, a Frenchman and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so they kick the first bag. The Russian's in there and he says "Meow" and the cops think Oh, it's just an ally cat, and keep on going. They kick the next bag and the Frenchman in there says "Woof" so they think Oh, it's just a stray dog. So then they kick the bag with the Newfie in it and he says "PO-TA-TOE"

What do you get when you cross a pig and a pine tree?

A porky pine

a new twist on some old phrases-

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID:
Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?:
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VISA:
I came, I'm a very important person, I paid with plastic.
COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think; therefore I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS:
The cat is dead.
QUE SERA SERF:
Life is feudal
LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI:
The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO:
Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS:
I am three years old
HASTE CUISINE:
Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO:
A fast retort
ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you
should never know
MAZEL TON:
Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE:
Don't leave your chateau without it
CARNE DIEM:
Seize the meat

well i just thought of one and i am aware that it must have been thought of many times but i never heard what i am about to say.


Q: did you hear about the 2 eggs cracked into a bowl that had a race?
A: neither of them won because they were both beaten by a whisker.

these two old men were sitting on a park bench, watching the younger world go by them in a blur, commiserating about their various aches and pains and ailments, when one of the old men started saying "man, i take a dump like a machine gun, bright and early at 7:30AM, regular as clockwork! i don't know how much more of that i can take!" and the other man, confused about what could be so bad about good regularity, says "so what's so damned bad about THAT? it takes an act of congress for me to have a regular crap in the morning or anytime!" so the first man says, "yeah, but i get up at 9 o'clock!"

what kind of bee gives milk instead of honey......a boobbee

did you hear about the short magican scotlandyard couldnt find?........they were looking for a small, medium at large

how many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?......99 you want to make something of it

why is the teamsters mascote is a horse?.....it sleeps standing up

i got a peidicure last week and it didnt work.........i still like little boys(sorry for the last 1)

A bit of zen sarcasm:

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named
No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.
For velly oblious leason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the
night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make
both velly happy.
Howevuh, about 7 or 8 month latuh, No Cum see he about to become fathuh but he
not know how come, so when baby come he name it How Cum U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum
not know how How Cum U Cum came!