Epic Battle

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So LadyWoofWoof sensibly leaps into the lake, where the water cools and refreshes her, and her scorched tentacles sizzle until they feel better.

Once she can focus on anything but her own crises, she notices that no one else comes near the lake....she notices a sign nearby, but cannot read the words, her eyes still inflamed from the grenade.

If she could read the warning sign, she would be informed that her 'lake' is actually The Black Lagoon.....

Did something underwater just brush against her?

Are the Formerly Brave Denizens Of WrongPlanet intimidated by something mysterious in the depths of The Black Lagoon?

Forsooth!

Thou art verily trembling wimps!


Sylkat

Then out it comes!

Stepping onto dry land.

The "gill man".

The Creature of the Black Lagoon- eight feet tall- green and scaly!

And its coming our way!

Rachel Ray envisions a purse and shoes made out of er, well......

The Gill Man, instinctively sensing her nefarious plans, roars and rushes at her, vengeance and lunch on his mind.......

I realize all the trouble in the universe, but I need to form a team. I go to the nearest spacestation for creating your very own private military force. My new formed team and I are able to purchase 48 assault drones all for a reasonable price of 115 dollars. Since we're unwilling to kill people ourselves, we've decided to let our remote-controlled robotic craft do it for us. Now, we're looking for a good place to strike from. After eight hours of talking, we've decided to establish a base hidden in the jungles of South America. We can't say specifically where because the rest of you might come in after us. The drones are ready to crush everyone else within this forum's topic page. My team sends out the drones and blasts everyone else in this epic free-for-all using deadly anti-matter missiles. "Mutually assured destruction never fails," says one of my pilots. I reply with, "It doesn't fail at all, Sergeant, but never say never."

Suddenly your computer-controlled drones stop in midair, form a circle, and ram each other, sparkly metal bits falling to Earth after the 'Boom!'.

Your computer has been hacked by a fourteen-year-old member of WrongPlanet who was just a little bored this afternoon.


Sylkat

The Sergeant gets killed by the falling debris from our now-trashed drones. As he breathes his last breath, he says, "I... was... wrrrooonngggg..." I scream, "Nooooo, what kind of sick person blew our cover?!" My intelligence officer says, "An individual by the name of Sylkat. Apparently, he hired a 14-year old kid to hack into our computer system." I, in turn, say, "Let's assassinate Sylkat and sue his 14-year old employee! There will be no one to stop us this time!" We end up finding Sylkat, but he's way too hard to kill. Aside from that, my operatives are able to get the 14-year old kid arrested. The kid is proven guilty and gets sent to serve 10 years in a juvenile detention center. I find it extremely difficult to kill Sylkat, so I hire a group of commandos with ninja skills to be my hit squad. They find Sylkat and chop his body in half with a katana. Revenge is sweet!! !!

Then I find Sylkat and take her to the nearest hospital where they will glue her back together and put her body in function again. Afterward, I shoot my gun at Victronix, and Victronix yells "AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! THAT HURT! YOU GOT ME IN THE STOMACH!" Then, I realise that all that happened was Victronix got a big hole in her stomach, and she was impossible to kill. Then, I shoot her again in hope of further disabling her and I got her crippled. She bought a wheelchair, however, and continued to be able to go about in society.

My second-in-command runs to my wounded body. He radios in my force's medics to come save me. The medics arrive on the scene, load me into a gurney and drive me back to base. The medical officers at my base are able to successfully remove the bullet from my stomach and patch up that wound. I am still able to go about my commanding duties. My first officer approaches me and says, "Sir, this war is getting out of hand. We need to find a way to end it without psychologically traumatizing ourselves with killing others." I ask, "What do you suggest?" My number one replies, "I suggest we create WMD's or weapons of mass disarmament." I say, "So, that way we can exact mutually assured disarmament! I like the way you think!" We spend seven weeks working on our anti-weapon ballistic missile (AWBM) and it's finally complete. I give the order to launch the missile and away it goes. I tell my first officer, "Now, we wait for the anti-weapon energy field to engulf this planet. It's going to be a spiritual moment, today!! !" The missile hits another part of the Earth and an intense glow emanates from the explosion. Luckily, my entire military are wearing goggles to prevent us from going blind. We advised the civilian population to also wear goggles. Suddenly, the batteries of energy weapons fizzle out, conventional firearms jam and melee weapons get bent out of shape. The world is finally at peace for now, but my number one says, "Sir, you know that somebody might try to find a way to kill us no matter what." I replied, "Call the G-Man and have him arrange for us to leave the Earth as well as the universe." My first officer picks up the phone and says, "Hello, who is this?" A mysterious voice is heard on the line that says, "IIII aaammmm herrrreee." My number one replies, "Yes, we would like to use two available spaces as a means to live in your universe." The G-Man says, "Rrrigght aaawwayyy. There's aaalways room ffoorrr one more in the univeeerrseee of my employeeerrssss." My first officer replies, "Thank you, good bye." So, the G-Man teleports us to his home universe to live in eternal stasis. None of you can attack us, now, unless the G-Man allows us to return to Earth which I hope he doesn't. In the G-Man's universe, my second-in-command whips out his guitar and we play the song "In the Year 2525" for the rest of our existence.

A message from the G-Man materializes in front of the faces of my first officer and I. It reads:

To whom it may concern:

My employers have given me the order to return you to your universe of origin. There, you will meet with the Galactic Protection Force. Commander Garfield Flanger and his crew are planning to rescue the tentacle monster Lady Woofwoof from Earth, the location of an intense war. The GPF govern a protectorate on the Planet Narwalgia where refugees of the current Earth War live in peace and harmony. Your mission, if you decide to accept it, is to help Commander Flanger find Lady Woofwoof and evacuate her off Earth. It could be a hazardous operation, so good luck.

This message will now de-materialize!

My first officer and I proceed to the Planet Narwalgia in the real universe, meet up with Commander Flanger and become a part of his crew. Flanger says, "Welcome aboard the GPF starship Zodiac. Prepare yourselves for battle. You will be leading a combat search-and-rescue team." With my number one, we proceed to the armory, grab ourselves two of the GPF's fryer rifles and get with our team. We set our rifles on stun and proceed to the nearest dropship. The Zodiac enters Earth orbit and our dropship launches towards the Earth's atmosphere. I say, "Hold tight, everyone!" We land on the planet in the Valley of the Gods, the region where the Epic War began, and we execute the search. My intelligence officer tells me, "Sir, Lady Woofwoof is being held up in that large fortress over there. That's the place we need to raid." I say, "Alright, let's fight!! !" We proceed into the building, stun everyone in sight, untie Lady Woofwoof and fly back to the ship. I say to Flanger, "Commander, we've evacuated Lady Woofwoof from Earth." The Commander says, "Excellent work. You did great for first timers." My first officer says, "... and we didn't have to kill anybody!" We are now on our way to Planet Narwalgia. Sweet victory without bloodshed!! !

LadyWoofWoof was delighted with her adventure until lunch was served on board her rescue ship.

The Philippina Sushi chef had prepared raw octopus!

LadyWoofWoof, appalled, shrieked 'my dear cousin, what have these brutes done to you?'

She then proceeded to furiously create unforgettable sushi from the entire crew, using only a toenail clipper, a small fillet knife, and, of course, her multitudinous tentacles.



Sylkat

I report to Flanger and say, "Commander, Lady Woofwoof is eating most of us on board because that Philippina chef you hired served her raw octopus!" Flanger replies furiously, "I don't believe this! She was supposed to be served fish!" I say, "Sir, somebody must of infiltrated this vessel and substituted the fish with octopus." The Commander looks puzzled and asks, "Maybe, but who could it be?" My intelligence officer approaches me and says, "Sir, I know who infiltrated this vessel. I have it all captured on my tablet PC." I smile and ask, "You do?! Who?!" My intel officer replies, "You're not going to like this, but it's... Sylkat." I get anxious and say, "Sylkat. SSSYYYYLLLLKKKAAAATTTTT!! !! !! !! !! ! We've got to stop him, now! Calm Lady Woofwoof down with a stress-relieving injection and call anyone who could help us!" My first officer replies, "Yes, sir!"

Is anyone willing to lend a hand in my war against Sylkat? He's on to me and my unit.

I wait until things have quieted down, and the captain of the spaceship has gone to his quarters to sleep.

I sneak into the kitchen, where the (deceased) Philippina sushi chef's fish tank still holds some future lunches, swimming happily, unaware of their intended fate.


I choose an especially appropriate one, and make off with her, creeping down the darkened hallways.

Silently entering the captain's sleeping quarters, I climb his bed, as he turns his head, I quickly stuff the angry, writhing, little octopus into his ear!

Sylkat

I run at Sylkat and tackle him. I struggle with Sylkat and successfully roundhouse kick him in the face. Lady Woofwoof grabs Sylkat and strangles him with her tentacles. She says, "Go! I've got him!" My first officer runs in with a fryer pistol and stuns Sylkat. He wakes up tied to a chair as Commander Flanger walks in. He says, "Tell us, Sylkat. Why can't we be friends?" Sylkat refuses to talk. I say, "Hit him with a migraine ray!" Sylkat moans and groans in pain. Flanger says, "You're going to talk whether you like it or not." We hit him with the migraine ray, again. Sylkat yells, "Alright, I'll talk!! ! If you guys can just surrender, I'll leave you alone." Flanger says, "Let him go." I say, "That's right, Sylkat. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

Dear Sylkat:

We've been engaging each other in this pointless battle for days, now. My team has been left with no choice, but to surrender. I'll join you, so together we can rule the world with an iron fist. We can make this battle the most epic in the entire history of the universe.

Thank you,
Supreme Commander Victronix

Dear Supreme Commander Victronix,

In case you have been too busy to notice, this battle IS already the most epic in the entire history of the universe.

Are you enjoying that octopus in your ear, yet?

Sylkat.

DAMN YOU, SHARK-TO-PUSSSSSS!

quoth the tiger, cross that he missed his cue. Witnesses feeble semi-conclusion of epic battle. Laughs manically as it reminds him of two ten year olds playing conkers.

Retreats behind some convenient bushes. Thinks about the impending taste sensation of raw Sylkat Fruitbat.

mmMMMMMMMmmmm