"You're supposed to know this stuff"

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I just need to vent a bit...

My partner who says he wants to understand me and learn about my AS, reads some things here and there, but doesn't really put much into understanding it, although he supports me. He supports me with it, yet when I actually exhibit any of the common traits, he gets mad with me! how can you understand my AS and support me with it, if you get mad whenever I have troubles due to it?

The latest one being that he shouldn't have to tell me what I need to do to show him I care and respect him, that I am just "supposed to know it" and that it is "blatantly obvious". Despite the fact that what he says he wants changes day to day. When I ask him to spell out what he wants in detail so that I know what to do, he gets mad and says that that in itself shows I don't care for him. I am meant to just "know" what to do if I am a caring person!

I try and try to explain how I work and how I think, and he never believes me. I try so hard all the time to get it right, and I have such good intentions. I am stretched to my limit with my life, especially having AS on top of it all!! !

How am I supposed to get through this? He never believes what I say He is so kind and wonderful most of the time, but during these particular times, it really goes bad

there's more than one fish in the sea for you to catch.

While you haven't provided much in the way to indicate the type of things he desires of you, could it be perhaps that he wishes you were more affectionate with him, and more interested in his emotional state?

I know, but we're engaged to be married in 4 months, and so much of it is great. But these parts are awful. I just keep hoping we will learn. No one seems to understand me, ever, so I really am not so sure there ARE more than one fish in the sea for me. He is the best man I have ever known, so I really hope to get past this... I am just losing ideas on how to do so

if i were you i'd lengthen the engagement, or else you may run the serious risk of what i call "guyer's remorse" [a form of buyer's remorse]. don't let the urgency of "NOW!! !" bully you into making too-quick decisions that you may later regret. there are always better "best men" waiting in the wings for any attractive female.

That is a good question, Chronos... It is more intricate than that though... I am struggling to work out what it is here... One time he left for work in a hurry because he had set his alarm wrong and he was very frazzled. I trusted he would sort it out, so, because it was my one morning for the week to catch up on some sleep, I went back to sleep. Surprisingly, I slept til quite late! He was very mad at me because I hadn't messaged him during that time. He said I should have "just known" that I was meant to message him straight away!

Things like that. That I don't "show" him my feelings and that I care.... I am supposed to "show" him I care, more. He believes in the whole "actions speak louder than words", and even though I tell him that for me it is more like "words speak louder than actions", he can't understand that

It is like all these hidden codes that I am meant to know about. And yet they change from day to day!! And the result is that he doesn't think I care about him *sigh* Yet, I try soooo hard to get everything right!!

This is a hard one...as an aspie, when I'm upset or frazzled or things have gone wrong, I would much rather be left alone until things have improved. I'd hate it if someone called/messaged immediately asking if I was okay. You just saw me! And I wasn't okay!
Maybe when things are calm and neither one of you are upset you could try to explain to him how you react to situations differently, but it doesn't mean you don't care.

What you really, really, really need to do is make him understand that these are exactly the types of things that an Aspie doesn't know how to do. It is pretty much in the diagnostic criteria. It isn't that you don't care about him its just that you have no idea that you are supposed to be doing these things. This exact type of thing has cost me a couple of relationships (before I knew about AS). If he can't understand this, then it will always be a problem. He won't be happy because you aren't doing the things that he expects and you won't be happy because he will always be upset at you.

I make these sort of mistakes all the time and my husband is very understanding. One time I didn't wake him up when my parents came and got our son for two months. I knew he had troubles getting to sleep due to his back and he was finally sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up. I wanted him to get plenty of rest. Then right after they left, he wakes up and asks where our son is. I told him my parents just came and got him. He said he wanted to say good bye to him and I told him they just left so I can call them and they can come back and he said "no it's okay." He never gets mad at me and he always tells me what he wants me to do.

I feel no matter how hard we try, we are always doing something wrong. You can be hugging him and kissing him more often on your own and it still won't be good enough. You can try and save some food for your partner and it still won't be good enough because the piece is too small for them or it's less than a bowl they say or they see it as hardly anything you left for them. You can be asking him everyday when he gets home from work how was his day or how is he and that may still not be good enough. The problem is, some people don't want us to do it by script or by forcing ourselves to do it because we have to in order to be a good partner and to meet their needs. They want us to do it intuitively and have it come natural. That is asking the impossible out of us. That is why what we do is never good enough for them. That is also why they refuse to tell us what they want.

What does he do to show you affection?

Yes, I agree! And I figured he would be too busy catching up on his work to be disturbed by a msge from me. I have tried to explain, over and over.... Last night he said he is trying to understand, but it is taking some time... At least that is hopefully a positive!


I know, I don't get how he doesn't understand this yet... I talk about AS a LOT to him... But, he said he is trying, and he doesn't understand himself why he gets so upset. He has some issues of his own but we haven't pinpointed exactly what it is yet...
He seems to understand better when someone else explains it to him. I am thinking I might ask my psychiatrist if he can come to a session one day for her to help him understand about me.


League_Girl, I am glad you have such an understanding husband, sounds like you guys have worked hard on your rship, that is inspiring I totally relate to the sleep thing too! I get in trouble for not waking my partner/waking him up at the wrong times too! The frustrating thing is that our hearts are in the right place, but because we use our own logic to figure out how to behave, it just seems to go against the whole intuitive thing
It is such a tough puzzle, the last part you mentioned. I keep telling him not to judge whether I care about him due to whether I "just know" the right thing to do, judge by this: If you tell me what to do and I choose to do it, then I care about you. If you tell me what to do and I choose NOT to do it, then that is not a good sign... Still, as you said, it just doesn't have the same impact as the whole intuitive thing.. I just hope he can come to terms with it, because I don't know how to "create" such a thing in me. Not for lack of trying!! !!

Thanks so much for all your help, everyone, really helps and means a lot!

I think I have to agree with this.

This is a tough one.... We have been together for 2.5 years now, so it is not a rushed decision. We wanted to get married right away, but we made sure we waited to get to know each other better. Your advice is wise, but I can't get past this feeling of knowing it is meant to be and will be ok in the end... He is SO caring and understanding most of the time, and we really are very well suited for each other.... Apart from the stuff I was talking about where it just gets really bad.... To me, there will be issues with any relationship, and there are many good things about my partner that other men that I have known are nowhere near. These just happen to be our issues that we have to deal with.... It is wonderful at least that my partner is very open and committed to going to a counsellor together (and separately), and we have done so since we first got together. Not many men would be open to such a thing.

Hmmm... he does write very nice smss (I hear affection through words, so this is a good thing for me). He is quite a physically affectionate person. And he does many "acts of service" for me. The acts of service one is tough, because I know we should show affection back to our partners through their own love language, but due to my exec function issues, the whole acts of service stuff is tough for me. I try, but phew, I barely scrape by doing what I need to do, let alone extra stuff for him... Plus, I guess I have a philosophy (and experience) that it is better for the person to do that stuff themselves because I would only stuff it up and make it even more of a chore for them! I do try to keep an eye out for good opportunities for these things, but yeah maybe I could try harder...

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He seems to understand better when someone else explains it to him. I am thinking I might ask my psychiatrist if he can come to a session one day for her to help him understand![/quote]

This is a great idea!

if there were bedrock compatibility issues which were exposed by having to go to counseling, i would take that as a warning.