20 Aug 2012, 8:35 pm
auntblabby
Veteran
Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 115,217
Location: the island of defective toy santas
20 Aug 2012, 9:29 pm
^^^
i wish you the best of luck 
21 Aug 2012, 9:32 am
27 Aug 2012, 12:41 pm
analyser23 wrote:
League_Girl, I am glad you have such an understanding husband, sounds like you guys have worked hard on your rship, that is inspiring I totally relate to the sleep thing too! I get in trouble for not waking my partner/waking him up at the wrong times too! The frustrating thing is that our hearts are in the right place, but because we use our own logic to figure out how to behave, it just seems to go against the whole intuitive thing 
It is such a tough puzzle, the last part you mentioned. I keep telling him not to judge whether I care about him due to whether I "just know" the right thing to do, judge by this: If you tell me what to do and I choose to do it, then I care about you. If you tell me what to do and I choose NOT to do it, then that is not a good sign... Still, as you said, it just doesn't have the same impact as the whole intuitive thing.. I just hope he can come to terms with it, because I don't know how to "create" such a thing in me. Not for lack of trying!! !!
Thanks so much for all your help, everyone, really helps and means a lot!
I totally relate to the sleep thing too! I get in trouble for not waking my partner/waking him up at the wrong times too! The frustrating thing is that our hearts are in the right place, but because we use our own logic to figure out how to behave, it just seems to go against the whole intuitive thing It is such a tough puzzle, the last part you mentioned. I keep telling him not to judge whether I care about him due to whether I "just know" the right thing to do, judge by this: If you tell me what to do and I choose to do it, then I care about you. If you tell me what to do and I choose NOT to do it, then that is not a good sign... Still, as you said, it just doesn't have the same impact as the whole intuitive thing.. I just hope he can come to terms with it, because I don't know how to "create" such a thing in me. Not for lack of trying!! !!
Thanks so much for all your help, everyone, really helps and means a lot!
There's your problem, if you forget to NOT do it, or you didn't know you where suppose to do it. He takes it that you choose not and that is a sign that you don't care for him.
28 Aug 2012, 12:32 am
09 Sep 2012, 1:48 pm
analyser23 wrote:
I just need to vent a bit...
My partner who says he wants to understand me and learn about my AS, reads some things here and there, but doesn't really put much into understanding it, although he supports me. He supports me with it, yet when I actually exhibit any of the common traits, he gets mad with me! how can you understand my AS and support me with it, if you get mad whenever I have troubles due to it?
The latest one being that he shouldn't have to tell me what I need to do to show him I care and respect him, that I am just "supposed to know it" and that it is "blatantly obvious". Despite the fact that what he says he wants changes day to day. When I ask him to spell out what he wants in detail so that I know what to do, he gets mad and says that that in itself shows I don't care for him. I am meant to just "know" what to do if I am a caring person!
I try and try to explain how I work and how I think, and he never believes me. I try so hard all the time to get it right, and I have such good intentions. I am stretched to my limit with my life, especially having AS on top of it all!! !
How am I supposed to get through this? He never believes what I say He is so kind and wonderful most of the time, but during these particular times, it really goes bad
My partner who says he wants to understand me and learn about my AS, reads some things here and there, but doesn't really put much into understanding it, although he supports me. He supports me with it, yet when I actually exhibit any of the common traits, he gets mad with me! how can you understand my AS and support me with it, if you get mad whenever I have troubles due to it?
The latest one being that he shouldn't have to tell me what I need to do to show him I care and respect him, that I am just "supposed to know it" and that it is "blatantly obvious". Despite the fact that what he says he wants changes day to day. When I ask him to spell out what he wants in detail so that I know what to do, he gets mad and says that that in itself shows I don't care for him. I am meant to just "know" what to do if I am a caring person!
I try and try to explain how I work and how I think, and he never believes me. I try so hard all the time to get it right, and I have such good intentions. I am stretched to my limit with my life, especially having AS on top of it all!! !
How am I supposed to get through this? He never believes what I say
He is so kind and wonderful most of the time, but during these particular times, it really goes bad Quite ignorant behaviour I must say. Nobody knows everything and nothing is self obvious neither in NT world.
This what he does is probably some kind of reaction of not getting from you what he wants. He is offended.
But that doesnt mean (I guess) that he doesnt want you to tell what is wrong in the very situation.
Just that he is frustrated in general with your ability to show that you like or love him.
Let him think about what that could be. And at a time when he is not in that mood. Make jokes about yourself or about the situation
Let him teach you (maybe also in the funny way) how you are supposed to do it. Then he gets it hopefully very clear what kind of trouble you have
the funny and relaxed way.
Hmm I never tried that one on girl friends but for friends it uses to go that way....
MindFreeza
Hummingbird
Joined: 28 Aug 2012
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 23
Location: Westchester, New York
29 Sep 2012, 4:46 pm
analyser23 wrote:
I try and try to explain how I work and how I think, and he never believes me. I try so hard all the time to get it right, and I have such good intentions. I am stretched to my limit with my life, especially having AS on top of it all!! !
How am I supposed to get through this? He never believes what I say
He is so kind and wonderful most of the time, but during these particular times, it really goes bad Based on these two lines it sounds to me like he may be playing power games with you. If you have made your limitations crystal clear and are working diligently to fulfill your obligations within the relationship then there is nothing more that you can do. Perhaps the "pay-off" for him is the power shift that happens when you believe that you have "failed". At these moments you give him a tremendous amount of power over your happiness--perhaps too much.
Earthlings often engage in these kinds of power games unconciously. Maybe he is repressing some negative feeling about getting married ( fear, anger over the impending loss of his freedom). It may have nothing at all to do with you personally but we aspies often accept blame for others' issues, especially those whom we love.
What would happen if you calmly told him that you are doing your best and then walked away?
