Dealing with someone who does not take "No" as an

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Over the last two and a half years, I have lived in a condo community which I normally do not have problems with. At the same time though, there is a guy who lives in a building next to mine.

He has had a crush on me from day one. However, I have sensed a red flag about this guy from the start. For instance, I gave him several hints the first time we introduced ourselves that I was not really interested. However, he did not seem to respect my wishes every time we would cross paths as time went on.

For instance, he often stops what he is doing and stares at me with this little smile on his face that looks like, "Hi honey did you miss me?" It is enough to give me the creeps. He has also tried to bother when when I am outside doing something by asking what I like to do besides studying. He has also stopped to give me the stare when I have been on the phone with friends before too. This has led me to shout at him to go away and leave me alone. I have also had to walk into my house and shut the door in his face as a hint but it has not seemed to work.

He has also been known to make himself known if we see each other on occasion. For example, he saw me last week eating pizza in public and openly acknowledged me by nodding. I looked at him and said, "No thank you." He then started parking his car front of my building instead of his own building for the last three days. So I wrote him a nice letter earlier this afternoon and explained that I am not interested in him and that he might think about parking in front of his own building. I also said that I have my own life and when I am home I like my own space. I had also taken down his license plate number while I was at putting the letter on his windshield under one of the wipers.

He then read the letter when I was inside today and then quietly tore it up and threw the shredded paper back on my front door which left me to find the torn letter on my door mat as I was headed out to runs some errands.

So, I talked to a member on the board about his behavior after I discovered his retaliations after reading my letter. When I first dropped the letter off and got a hold of his license plate number, I called the property management administration about his behavior.

The question now is, what is my next step if I catch him defying me like that again?

I mean I had warned him last summer before that if he did not stop bothering me that I would call the police and he said that I was acting like a little girl.

I am glad someone else agrees with me that he is harassing me.

One of the other things that he did last year as well was really disturbing. He is good friends with my next door neighbor. He evidently did not have good internet at his unit. So, she allowed him rights to go over to her unit and use her wifi from his lap top for free. I have no problem with him going into her unit to borrow her things.

The day before Labor Day Weekend started, I happened to be riding home on public mobility transit that drops you off in front of your door. He happened to be walking behind my building on his way somewhere with a briefcase. When he saw me pulling in though, this person took out a fold up table and chair and then used his laptop and started playing on his computer in the middle of our breezeway. He had also started taking electricity from our building too.

He did this so that he could eye me coming in and out of my building which was unfortunate for him because my aunt got onto him and so did my other neighbors.

Police.

This guy is very disrespectful and defiant of other people's personal space. So is his girlfriend. His next door neighbor's have complained that he and his girlfriend disrespect you all the time and have had to set firm boundaries. He evidently knocks on your door and threatens you if you try to set boundaries but the neighbors push back.

He seems to do things like park in front of my building whenever he sees me and tries to accuse me of being afraid of him for trying to avoid him.

This is scary.

The one silver lining is that you realized this guy gave off a red flag from the beginning. Please continue to trust your gut instincts. If need be, ask your Aunt if you can stay with her for a day or two.

Consider taking a couple of marital arts classes. A good marital arts instructor can show you how to do a grip breaking move as you stomp on someone's instep or foot (and practice sure helps!). Can also teach you the loud marital arts yell (the 'Kiai'). (And I personally learn much faster in private rather than group lessons.)

Consider an extra good door lock. Also window locks, say the kind with a thumb screw that you can quickly undo in the event of a fire.

I'd say the only strategic mistake you made was shutting the door in the guy's face because he may have used that opportunity in an attempt to push himself into your apartment. I mean, this guy is potentially dangerous. Any future occasions, consider the strategic move of walking toward an area of more people and then call the police on your cell and just tell them, This scary guy is outside the door of my apartment, which is true.

Buying a gun is not outside the realm, but it is a personal decision. Just don't overdepend on the gun to the exclusion of good basic security.

Moving also is not outside the realm.

I hope you do report it to the police. They might take it seriously or they might view it as just more caseload. It could go either way. I think it does increase the odds in your favor if your talk to the police with an advocate present, whether this advocate is your Aunt, a neighbor, a parent, a sibling, a former teacher or boss, etc. The police will be more likely to take it seriously as a real situation, which of course it is.

And remember, in classic stalking behavior any interaction is considered positive by the stalker.

If you see him in public try to ignore him (also be aware of your own safety). Any messages to him can come through a third party such as the police or the building management people.

He does not do this all the time only whenever he seems to see me. He also has a tantrum whenever he sees me either running or walking away from him.

I wonder if he has some sort of a delusional disorder that we are meant to be together. My mom has schizophrenia and did something similar. To her it was harmless and to him it might be as well. I think in his case though, I think he is just controlling, abusive and maybe obsessive and possessive.

He certainly could have a delusional disorder, or issues that could be overlaid with a substance abuse problem. But I think you are right in your conclusion, that this guy is potentially and probably is controlling and abusive.

I would recommend saving the letter he tore up if you still have it. This will help a police officer or lawyer or property management person better understand. It's something tangible and perhaps the human brain shouldn't work this way, but often it does. Plus, the fact that he came back to your front door to drop the pieces of the letter is also significant.

Now, one big advantage you have is that your Aunt and some neighbors saw the stunt where he camped out on the breezeway so he could watch your coming and going. Wow. (And that does sound like stalking behavior or harassment behavior or both.) I would tell your Aunt about the car parking and the torn up letter, including showing her the pieces.

As an idea, perhaps you and your Aunt could talk to the next door neighbor who is his friend with one of two possible goals: maybe she could be a friend and coach him how she thinks best that such behavior is not so cool, or maybe he doesn't need to be coming round seeing how he has caused problems. Please trust your gut instincts whether talking to this neighbor is a good idea. And having an advocate such as your Aunt or anyone else present changes the social dynamic so that the person is more likely to be on their best behavior since there is an audience present.

Now, with him treating his neighbors the way that he does, most probably someone has already reported him to the police.

Consider going ahead and going to the police now in an understated way "beginning to be a problem" "want to find out what a good next step is." Now, you don't understate the facts, that you clearly told him to leave you alone, that he ignored this, the camping out on the breezeway, tantrums when you walk away, the torn up letter, etc. But you do kind of understate regarding what you want the police to do. And hopefully the officer will suggest something. Again, please trust your gut instincts whether doing this feels like a good idea. And the presence of an advocate will likely help here, too.

Tell him that you would like to go out with him when your herpes outbreak is over.

That should probably scare him away, and if people who live there ask you about having herpes, tell them you just made it up to make him go away.

Or tell him you used to be a man.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Hi, it's good that you have some neighbors who have some understanding of the situation. Each such neighbor is kind of like an ace.

I still encourage you to take some private marital arts classes, for a baseline of confidence, and to get the odds more in your favor if need be. I would recommend karate, tae kwon do, or ju jitsu. A couple of private lessons, then practicing on your own, then maybe a couple of more private lessons. It's amazing what you can learn in just a couple of weeks. And it's kind of like insurance, something you're hoping not to have to use, but good to have if you need it.

This is funny that you bring this up because one of my neighbors who he talks to came and asked me about the note on the car this afternoon. She was wondering why I would do that since he was evidently parking his car in front of our building to walk her dog while he she was out of town. However, I felt that it was strange to park one car in front of our building when his is only a few feet away and leave his car there over night until he drove again.

I told her the story as to why I put the note there by starting off with an "I don't like him." I then told her the story that he has a crush on me and she had absolutely no idea what had happened. In fact, she was shocked since she did not know him very well as it turns out. It also turned out that he was manipulative and flaky with her in contacting her whenever he wanted something. I was very surprised. He had also ignored her for several months when he was living with his girlfriend and her daughter until recently.

As for the camping in our breezeway, it did not really sound like she wanted him there and asked him to use the wifi somewhere else.

At any rate, I am glad that she talked to me about it and has a better idea of the kind of guy this person is. I was also happy to hear her side of the story which indicates how much of a real friend he was to her.