Vicious

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What do we think of the idea that aspies have a tendency towards more acute and cutting insults and attacks? Some of the fights we've been having here and that I've seen on other boards have had me thinking about it, and it's definately something I see in myself. I think people have a sort of ignorance about certain aspects of their personality or are vaguely aware of certain things but have some kind of subconscious block on them, and things like that can be transparent for me. Sometimes I can be much more damaging in a minor argument than I intend because of that. I think even in the nastiest arguments there's a kind of "no cross zone" that NTs have that I cross almost right away.

Could that be related to Aspies generally having a deficit of empathy? Just a thought.

I think what you are seeing is that we will just say whatever we think and feel. NTs pretend they are being polite and nice by not saying what they really think, but it typically just muddies the waters because they expect the other person to magically know why they are angry without actually telling them. That usually goes on for a long time then they finally blow up and tell the other person the same things we said in the beginning. It's just a social game they play first that we don't indulge in because most of us don't see the point. I've always found it rather like lying, but I know they don't see it that way. It's just a difference.

Do you find yourself not bouncing back Maldoror? My best friend and I go at it and say very vicious things to each other, but once we're over it, we are back to best friends and it's gone. We've been friends for almost 30 years and we go through those vicious words every five years or so. The worst time was when she lived with me. That's why I don't believe an AS/AS relationship could ever work out. It was great and brutal! It only lasted six months before we figured out it would ruin our friendship.

There's that, too. At this point I feel like I know when and when not to be antipathetic and what antipathy is and it only slips out against my restraint when I'm under a lot of pressure or stress - maybe a lack of empathy has more to do with it. Of course, everyone has times when they really do want to damage another person's self esteem, and that's what I'm talking about, where you just completely let loose. A drunken argument for example. Most NTs would just launch out with the usual "you're an a**hole, you're a p****" kind of thing, but I go straight for the jugular and use whatever I've noticed to be that person's insecurities against them. Like if I had overheard a person worrying about their wife cheating on them or something like that.

I've been told that I can be very mean in arguments...my dad actually instituted a "no sarcasm" rule for me and my mom, because our comments would get so nasty and personal.

I used to be like that until I was in my twenties. After that, I just seemed to lose interest in being that way. I seemed to change and I don't really know what happened to make me change. I know I became much more tolerant of people around age 27.

When I was a kid and in my teens I was that way, I knew just what to say to make people upset. Sometimes it would get really personal and people would be shocked at me, I mean being broken by a 10 year old? I didn't even realize what I had said was personal, I just figured it was a normal response to an adverse situation.

But now in my 20ies I realize that there are some things you can't say, and I try to control myself even though I slip now and then. I also don't really react badly to people insulting me, they can get very personal and it just brushes off me like water from a shower. I guess that's called being apathetic though, so I guess I am slightly apathetic...Which might help towards keeping calm in conflicts and arguments.

I hate to think of myself as not having empathy though, I have empathy just not a lot of it. Thankfully I have some, otherwise I would be a sociopath...That would be bad

Yeah. I tend to go well beyond the
boundaries, if an argument is something
personal. But, people can't really hurt me,
unless I let them.

Vicious is right. I used to be able to slash and burn with such precision they would be blindsided and cut to the very quick before they could retort with any pithy accusations of their own. I would seek out confrontation and relish it with almost a religious zeal. I could never figure out why they allowed me the opening to just get right in there and peel their faces right off their heads, so to speak.
I would even mix it up physically if necessary and went several rounds with both of my husbands. I fired off a sawed off shotgun into the bed my first husband was under and I chased him ( maybe a couple of years later, down the residential streets of Seattle with a kindling axe. ( LOL, I had forgotten that!) In my defense, I never connected - but it wasn't for not trying!

Some where when I was in my thirties I turned all jelly like in side about doing all of that, and now, I will flee like a craven coward before I would even suggest to someone that I thought they were wrong. I don't know why. I just thought I was scared to even start because I didn't "know my own strength" so to speak and unless I was very careful I might unleash the wild beast on them, and bear the karma.

Merle

For people who lie
there ain’t nothin’ like the truth
inside they’ll die
you don’t even need proof
nor do you need sour sharpness
all you need is beautiful bluntness

I think I just one day decided that the long term consequences, especially at work, were not worth the energy expended. Besides, it made them think I cared enough to be that angry, when in fact I did not. It was almost like a mental exercise for me. So, I decided not to react that way. Sometimes silence is the most cutting.

I wouldn't worry about being apathetic. That is psychobabble. If you don't respond to that and a shrink doesn't know you are AS or something else, they would say it's self confidence not to care to that degree about the opinions of others. It's find to acknoweledge if they bring up something you really should change, but really, why bother to cut them to the quick otherwise?

Hurting people can be satisfying for a few seconds, but it never accomplishes what you want. Hurt people do not become kinder or more cooperative or helpful or wiser or smarter. Certainly, when I am hurt, I do not respond in a good way.

mmm aspies are bad with the insults but borderlines are worse.

i've always suspected my sister-in-law is borderline. she says the most shocking things -
about the time i was getting dx'ed, my nephews were attracting disapproval from teachers, they were seen as 'odd', so in her need to say exactly what she thinks, she screeched at me when i suggested that i and my nephews may have asperger's in front of my nephews 'We just want average brats!'

do you think they'll forget that? do you think they like her?

I read in my later 20's that sarcasim=to tear the flesh.Prior to that I assumed I was just letting out my humor.I didnt think I was intending to hurt someone because it was directed at myself,friends or strangers.I simply did not have a fliter from my brain to my mouth....whatever I thought became words(when I bothered to talk).I was seldom hurt by others comments,so didnt realize that my words would hurt them.If it wasnt my "intent" to harm,I assumed I wasn't harming.I now realize that it doesnt work this way,though it is still hard for me to realize "what" might be hurtful to someone because to me it is just my humor.I try to edit myself more now but I am sure stuff still gets around my sensors,often best just not to speak.There are people who deserve to have their flesh torn, but it should only be in self-defense or the defense of others who are" vulnerable",who are being attacked by that person.(And even then it is a self-defense,because that hurts me to observe).

My husband, father and 16 year old can all say things that are extremely hurtful without a second thought. They know exactly where to take aim and don't seem to get why they get such a horrid reaction from people. ( They are all AS) . I have some AS traits but thankfully not that one. I have learned to be nasty back to those three but I can't do it to unless I am provoked. I wish sometimes that I had the ability to do this because there are many people I come across that I would like to beat down with words.