I attended a talk by the Dalia Lama on the weekend, and there was a question asked about forgiveness; how can you forgive someone who has done harm to other humans or animals?
The answer was quite interesting, and fits nicely into this thread; forgive that I will paraphrase, as I can't recall all the details - the talk went for a couple of hours.
What the Dalai Lama said was that you should not get caught up in anger, revenge, or frustration, as this only continues and perpetuates the cycle of violence. You do not have to accept the action or behaviour, and you should not push for punishment.
What you need to do is to understand that some people do bad things, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.
Do not initiate anything with them; other than perhaps seek legal intervention - police or court action if appropriate.
Do not approach them on your own.
If you can, then it may be worthwhile to ensure they realise what they have done is wrong, but you need to avoid obsessing or carrying the burden of responsibility for the actions of others.
As an aspie of course this can be difficult, so in my case what I do is try to find myself something else I can immerse myself in, some project, book, or activity that I can be fully absorbed in, so that the taint of the action of others does not dominate my thoughts.
In the days following this talk it has brought me great comfort thinking of this answer.
My family have never been accepting of me and my quirks and peculiarities; they have faked acceptance, and they have alternated between saying there is something wrong with me when it is convenient to them, and to pretending everything is fine when I know it isn't.
There has been extensive psychological abuse and the relationship is too toxic to contemplate trying to repair; I found this out the hard way, having been estranged for some time and trying to re-connect of several occasions; it just hurts too much and puts me in a depressive cycle that I can't escape whilst I remain in contact.
The fact I can't forgive my parents (even now as I reach middle age) has troubled me for some time, as I feel they knew what they were doing but did it anyway.
Now I can accept that they acted wrongly towards me, that they will continue to fail to understand and accept me, and that I don't need to forgive them (I can't forgive someone who continues to do the wrong thing, even if they apologise, as their actions make the apology a lie).
I can in time accept that for whatever reason these people - my family - are not concerned with my welfare, don't have the best intentions, and are not compatible with my happiness or lifestyle.
I am an aspie and I can't change that.
The fact that others don't understand and can't accept how your character, "aspieness", or other difference makes you who you are, is the reason why people who don't understand and accept you should be avoided.
NT's don't hang out with people that don't accept and understand them, so in this regard we have to take the cue from them.
If you can explain yourself, or your condition, or just the quirks that make you who you are and that can be accepted that's great and those people should be accepted, but don't expect everyone to understand you or want to be your friend; it just means that those that make the effort are special, and those that don't are just others; not good or bad, just others, and not part of your life, or at least not someone you will befriend, or interact with on any deep level.
19 May 2013, 6:15 am
