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Yeah because you'll all know about it if I do

Well I told you about my runny nose. It stopped after a couple of days and I'm back to my old groggy self. Not much difference apart from the snot.

I don't know how people cope with a cold

I turn into a completely different animal when it happens to me

I'm generally much the same as usual but more mardy and less energetic.

No I can't even function when I get a cold

It's more like man flu

I had to look man flu up.

The concept of 'man flu' has sparked controversy, notably in a Boots advertisement featuring the tagline "when he’s ill and you don’t have time to be – get cold and flu products for just 99p at Boots." This ad ignited debate about gender stereotypes and perceptions of illness in popular culture.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_flu

I think it's real because I get it

When me and my ex used to get a cold at the same time the world would literally come to a standstill

Well not literally but you know what I mean

Yes I know what you mean.

My last cold was unusual because it was a visible disability with all that snot. Usually there's no evidence.

You and your snot

My stool's a lot better since I gave up cheese

I've never seen a good-looking one.

I like mine when it's running clear

I haven't had a cold virus for six years. And then it was more like a coughing virus, very irritated throat. It was so bad coughing all the time, I couldn't work because people wouldn't want to be around someone coughing all the time.

It's soon time to get a flu vaccination.