Wrong Universe

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I hear you... I've had my moments, when it's been channeled into creative efforts, that have been positively received. It's a double-edged sword though, and definitely not something I would choose to have.

I'm going to keep taking these baby steps, and trust that they will lead to a saner place. Based on my usual pattern, I will probably be back to a semi-normal level of clarity within a few days.

There is a point though, where I will draw the line, and take meds if my behavior is hurting others. Which in the past has caused me to feel dull, and stupid, and have zero quality of life, but still that's better than hurting anyone else.

Yep. Meds tend to do that to people.

I understand people need them sometimes---but I still don't like the zombie-like effects some of these meds have.

Do you feel psychiatrists use meds in lieu of "talk therapy?" I find that the "profession" of psychiatry has gone by the wayside. They only seem to be about prescribing meds. It's the psychologists who primarily do the therapy.

I think if meds help, that's awesome. That just hasn't been the case, in my own experience. They've always made me feel worse, and in some cases more psychotic, to the point where I had to be hospitalized.

My experience with therapists is that they've been really nice at listening, and make me feel less alone in my problems, but that's really all they can do. Which is what you're doing here, so thank you for that (I should pay you!)

Time to water the garden, and then my mom will be home, so I might not be back on until tomorrow. Thanks so much for hanging out, it's really helped so much.

I hope you enjoy your garden.

It's my mom's garden - I'm trying to keep it alive until she gets back!

Yes, I do love it though. We just have a small apartment patio, but lots of potted plants, and even a few peach trees, it's basically a forest! And butterfly bushes to try to attract some monarchs (no luck yet this year...) And hummingbird feeders, and a bird bath, and tiny pond with mosquito fish. Very peaceful and therapeutic - I've actually really enjoyed babysitting it this past week.

It sounds really lovely.

It’s good that you care about not hurting people. If it helps you feel better, it’s quite routine in life to accidentally hurt people (not physically). Its realizing that you’ve hurt someone, feeling remorse (but not overboard), and apologizing or correcting it that is the right action to take. So no, in general a person should not want to hurt people but don’t “beat yourself up “ if you do sometimes.

Your mother’s garden sounds wonderful. I love gardening but don’t know a lot about it. I spend a lot of my time digging out dandelions. I find it soothing to get my hands in the soil and try to improve things.

My son is close to you in age. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and ASD. Like with you, I think there are several of him too. Some of them are mean and I find it hard to deal with. Others are so smart and fun and intelligent and artistic. I love all of him.

Thank you, Anne. I definitely feel too much remorse, for even the slightest social misstep, and that's something I need to work on, because it contributes to my isolation.

It surprises me that Borderline PD is something my therapists have never brought up, because I have many of the symptoms - though I suppose there's a lot of overlap between all of these things. I'm sure it means a lot to your son to have a mom who loves him despite his issues. That's absolutely how I feel about my parents.

I would like to work on having a better relationship with my dad, because it's not his fault that I'm afraid of men. I'll tack that onto my list of baby steps, especially now that my mom's back. We actually made some good progress in 'connecting' better and talking more when she was gone, and I'd like to keep that up.

Sorry, everyone. This is never going to work.

In trying to face all this, I'm getting clobbered with physical stress symptoms (now my entire right arm has gone numb and tingly... When does the BS end?)

But at least something has become glaringly clear this time around. If I actually do have ASD, it's such a tiny, minuscule portion of my problems, as to be insignificant. And the real problem here is most likely PTSD, plus whatever was wrong with me before I got raped (because I wasn't right, even then. I've never been right.)

Autism is the least of my problems though, and what's wrong with me is beyond the scope of this site. Nor is it the responsibility of members here, to try to figure out what my problem actually is.

Thank you to all who have been kind enough to help me, to this point. But it's triggering PTSD issues beyond what I can cope with. If this level of stress keeps up, I will go psychotic again, and the cycle will just repeat, ad nauseam.

I need to take care of myself, and let you all get back to what this site is actually for. But this has helped me to realize, my next step needs to be to seek professional help (and most likely sooner than October).

Sincere apologies to anyone who has been hurt by my issues spewing onto this site, while psychotic and not in control of my behavior. I will be asking a moderator to lock this thread, and take away my posting access, because this cycle needs to end, permanently.

Thanks again to all who have shown me patience, and kindness. Best wishes to all.

Locked via request.