Do you dissociate? How do you cope with it?

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Does disassociation mean from the here-and-now, or can it apply to memories too?

I'm good at remembering data but have very limited memories of people, emotions, social events, conversations, expressions, voices etc. I'm more likely to remember someone's car or the music they liked, than any of the experiences we shared.

If I think really hard I can retrieve still, "snapshot" images of certain events but they're disjointed and I find them upsetting. In particular anything to do with childhood, even though I was a happy kid most of the time AFAIK.

I suspect all of my memories are there somewhere but I'm blocking them out, somehow? "If you can't remember things, you can't miss them" maybe? That doesn't strike me as very healthy.

There's a lot of emphasis placed on "living in the moment" by lifestyle gurus but as someone who exists almost entirely in the moment it actually sucks.

I am still not sure if I officially dissociate. I have had to ask my various therapists to explain what they mean by it. I never feel outside of my body. I just have moments...usually when in a state of emotional pressure...when I feel and act less "present." My mental powers also dim significantly during that time. My mind seems to turn to static.

I tend to experience this in situations where I *feel* like I am under attack and fight or flight are not options...so I freeze...dissociate....and then quickly and automatically cycle through a series of behaviors (almost like I am trying on different characters, trying different tactics) that can help me avoid the discomfort I am experiencing. I quickly cycle through psychological fight, flight, and fawn behaviors/thoughts until exhaustion and/or sleep finally resets me. I think this is related to my CPTSD.

I am learning how very rarely I am actually under attack, which helps prevent the dissociative behavior in the first place. Daily exercise helps me sooooooo much. Also, I am learning and practicing grounding exercises like 4-7-8 or 6-6 breathing. I also practice noticing my surroundings, being aware of my sensory perceptions of my environment, and describing these perceptions ("red blanket", "smooth counter," "quiet bird song", "smell of coffee"). It really does surprise how much more literally grounded I feel practicing these skills even for 5 minutes each. I really did somehow feel more in my body and more connected to the earth. The only thing I am still having to practice is allowing myself to just focus on this one thing for those 5 minutes of practice. My mind still wants to rush through and think about other stuff. And I am still working on remembering to practice these skills regularly, not just waiting for when I need them.