eating disorders?/ pro ana etc.

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Anyone dealt with a "chronic" restrictive eating disorder?

Last edited by meems on 08 May 2012, 2:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

To be clear when I say chronic I am referring to one of the numerous labels a patient may be given in order to say they can't be helped. I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder at the age of seven.

I just wondered if anyone else has had eating disordered behavior for so long that it's as if it is the only way life has ever been. To me it's completely normal.

I've never been labelled as chronic. At least, not to my face. My eating was disordered from the age of 8, I ate maybe 1 meal a day, and in high school kids were asking me if I was anorexic, but no one really paid attention to it. At a really young age, it wasn't completely about losing weight, it was about taste and texture that I couldn't tolerate. And a tiny bit about feeling like I was a bad/unworthy kid and didn't deserve to eat. When I was 19 it started getting worse, medically. I ended up in the hospital with a broken leg after a car accident, and my blood tests were abnormal so they asked about my eating habits. I was honest, and they sent a social worker to talk to me.

When I was 22, I attended a theatre college and that was when I was diagnosed as anorexic. I was dangerously underweight and the school counsellor told me that I needed to go get help, and that I could not continue at school until I had recovered. I went to a treatment centre in another province. I spent 3 months there, and recovered enough weight to be "healthy" again, but in times of stress I still fell back on restricting, and even started purging.

It's been 5 years and I've slowly started climbing out of the hole. About 6 months ago I slipped for a month and dropped 15 pounds, but I've managed to maintain there and not lose any more. It's not often about weight with me - I actually want to stay at an average weight because I'm transgender and it's easier for me to pass if I'm average weight. I restrict because it helps me gain control. It also helps me feel like I'm punishing myself for being a social failure.

Since getting the AS diagnosis, I've felt like I have more strength to resist the eating disorder. I have learned to forgive myself for my social mistakes and the ruins of my childhood. It wasn't because I was stupid, it was because I'm autistic. I'm trying to rechannel my need for rituals and order into other things instead of food.

Eating disorders are hell, feeling that pressure all the time and the panic and the frustration. I'm sorry you've been dealing with one for so long. I wish I knew what to say to help you, but try not to give up hope. Just because a doctor tells you you can't be helped doesn't mean it's true. Doctors have said that to me, and I am in a much happier place now.

It's never really been about weight for me either, though in my particularly "bad" phases I use weight as a measure of progress. I'm quite content with the eating disorder. I'm fine with the concept of being this way for the rest of my life. I never wanted to be cured.

It's such a rare thing to have a restrictive eating disorder long term, I usually have to go online to find anyone I can relate to, on "pro ana" websites etc. Obviously not the sites that glorify, rather the ones that are into acceptance and don't preach about recovery. I find it odd that people are offended by those sites, it's not as if they can cause eating disorders.

I never used to want to be cured, even as recent as 6 months ago I was thinking I was probably going to be eating disordered for the rest of my life.

That's still a possibility, but right now I'm doing all right. I don't like how ill I feel when I'm restricting, or how hard I get on myself. But I really don't know if once things get too overwhelming again, I won't just go back to it.

The pro-ana sites that glorify eating disorders don't really cause eating disorders, but I will admit that 5 years ago, I used to use those types of sites for motivation. I posted a neck down shot of me on a livejournal community back then, and people were talking about using it as thinspo. I felt so guilty, because the last thing I wanted to do was encourage other people to do what I was doing. I wrote a paper in my university sociology class about the sociology of pro-ana groups. I looked at them through a neutral lens, and actually talked a lot about how pro-ana groups brought a sense of community to an otherwise lonely condition.

I guess my feelings about pro-ana groups are ambivalent. I avoid the ones that glorify, but do visit a few that accept eating disorders. Some of my most honest conversations come from those groups.

I get sad reading those groups sometimes though, because everyone is so down on themselves. I have read so much about people hating themselves for eating this, or eating that. I feel like my eating disorder is weird in that it kind of has a switch.

Like right now, it's off. I don't feel the need to restrict my food intake. I don't hate my body too much. I don't feel like a failure.

But then randomly, one day, that switch turns back on, and I restrict, drop weight, hate my body, feel like a failure. It's night and day.

So many people I've been friends with through treatment or support groups have recovered and no longer consider themselves eating disordered. I feel like I always will be eating disordered, even if I'm not actively anorexic or bulimic.

I absolutely have one but its not as severe as it use to be, its very moderated. In highschool I was fat but lost 100 pounds in like...less than a year doing nothing but running, starvation diet etc. I was happy to have finally lost weight but felt like I could never lose enough. I'm still not happy with my weight. At first I tried to turn it into something positive, by going to the gym but we lost access to that (mom lost her job etc) and I I found that I just preferred the track. I hated the gym people and they were loud, rude and passive aggressive. I don't want anything more than lean muscle mass at all, to me skinny is the only way for a guy to be. I might write a story or draw someone who isn't terribly skinny but I'm repulsed by fat.

I hate myself because of this. I'm not obese but I'm not as skinny as I want and refuse to look at myself in the mirror. I keep a bucket of water in my room and brush my teeth that way, spit in the bucket them empty it several times a week. I bathe and clean myself in the shower, not at the sink. If I shave its in the shower but I haven't shaved in several months. I try to avoid social interaction as much as possible *until recently* because I am scared other skinny people will see me as overweight or not skinny. Must confess, I did gain about 20 pounds when we moved since I lost my running route and its a pain going to the track. I have to make sure I go late at night to avoid social interaction and even when I go at midnight people are there. I started a new diet regime and eliminated certain foods from my diet permanently and have loss 12 pounds though. Last summer I was 220, the fattest I've been in a long time (I'm 6'3). I'm so happy I'm no longer that much. I was absolutely miserable and wanted to kill myself.

I started reading books about nutrition, desperate to find out the least I could live on without aging myself too fast with weight loss. I'm gradually phasing meals out and its showing. Part of me wants to rejoin the ED community but they are HARDCORE and I feel ashamed around them, like a sham. Also lots of superstars there that don't want you posting unless you are a walking skeleton and most of them are female. The community is split like this:

Loud, whiny fat people who document everything they eat, are depressive and suicidal but ALWAYS end up over eating and crying about it, never making progress
OR
The community lifers who see "ana" as a goddess and are experts at their art. They do things I can only envy, I have a sick admiration of these people but they also have very low self esteem. You will see these posters come to cheer up the first group.

I use to chew and spit a lot. Its best to just not eat period. I also know what my binge foods are. I AVOID non organic milk and generally only eat salads or some meats. I can't be too picky or I'll starve to death. I usually only eat a boiled egg for supper. A salad with NO dressing, sprinkle it with extra virgin olive oil. If I must eat fast food I do not fries or anything deep fried. I do not touch bread period and I've learned to be very conservative with fruit. Just because the food pyramid says its good doesn't mean eating it more than once or twice a day won't make you fat.

I'll get flak for saying this but I just hate fat. I hate every inch of fat on myself. I think its hideous, ugly, repulsive etc. Thankfully its not quite the obsession it was a few years ago.

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with an Eating Disorder, though it had been percolating longer than that. Since I was 5 at least. I think it stemmed from low self esteem. For me, although losing weight was a good thing, it just became more of a habit, something I did without having to think about it. "Oh I ate lunch today, so no dinner." Even six-odd years later those are the first thoughts that pop into my head after I eat. Even though physically I am "recovered" I'm not sure that I ever will be mentally.

Like Dots said, mine seems to have a switch. I go through weeks where I am perfectly happy with myself and they way I look, and then BAM! One day I wake up and hate myself and start restricting again. It's all very confusing.

Are people with eating disorders more likely to lie about it than admit they have a problem?

It's actually part of the pathology, a lot of eating disordered people don't feel sick or ill in their head even if they are physically destroying their body. It doesn't require lying, but it does make it difficult for some to change their habits.

I think some people are stuck with it because of that. My bubby had eating disordered behavior until she died. That's why the pro ana board I go to is such a huge help to me. I can see how others are suffering and don't feel like it's a problem, it's like it's the only way to live. Though it isn't something I would advise to anyone who only sees it as an option. For me I just had to do what I could to make it as sustainable as possible.

I don't think they're more likely to lie about it being a problem because for many they don't view it as a problem, but they may be more likely to lie in order to hide it from others as the people in their life probably do view it as a problem.

Though, oftentimes the lack of understanding only makes matters worse when someone tries to make an eating disordered person see it as a problem.

ED sufferer here.
Really, really struggling at the moment so it feels like its been happening forever.
I hate how f****d up my body now is...

I'm sorry, winterishere. If you want to talk about it you can PM me anytime. I've got nothing but time and I'm always up for listening(I guess reading) I know it can be really lonely and it can be hard to deal with it when so few understand what you're struggling with.

I don't knowif this is an eating disorder, but I go through phases where I just have no appetite and don't really eat for a few days because I just don't want anything. I'll have a spoon full of peanut butter or a bite or two of somethings sweet if my blood sugar gets low but otherwise I may not eat anything. Then I'll eat everything in sight and be very hungry for days.

I don't throw up, I've never really been overweight, and it's not about control. I just let my appetite dictate what and when I eat. I figure that my body will tell me what it wants and needs and I listen to it.

i tend not to eat, cause the rest of my family is obese. it makes me not want to eat.
short in short i would rather be a heroin addict than a food addict.

also why i refuse antipsychotics, antidepressants, etc. they cause weight gain..

I too would rather be a heroin addict than a food addict. I have no intention of ever being fat.

The ones that glorify it can contribute......but nothing wrong with acceptence, but considering all the health risks of not eating i don't know that I necessarily accept there is nothing wrong with people who have that disorder but I don't look down on people for having disorders. But for some maybe harm reduction/coping techniques as opposed to full recovery is a better approach. I mean I don't have issues like that but I have PTSD and I get annoyed with people preaching recovery about that when I just want to accept I have it and do my best to cope with it doing the least amount of harm to myself.

So I mean as long as these sites are about supporting each other.......but not encouraging its members to eat less, or take stimulants to lose more weight or other dangerous things I don't see why anyone would have a problem with it. I mean its kind of like with a depression forum its ok to talk about being depressed and feeling suicidal.........but it would probably be out of line to encourage people to act on their suicidal feelings.

well how about be neither, if you do struggle with eating disorders I think heroin would be a terrible idea...its probably a terrible idea in general but still.