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I don't like that if its true that i have avoidents because if there correct like the believe to be then this disorder or whatever is taking over my life and my feelings its really hard to live with and its hard to get other people to understand that if i yell at them its just me protecting myself from harm. And you know i don't run away from people or crowds i like it because i can move along and no one knows im there there to busy. so i am happy.
but the thing is is they speak to me or notice me then i close up and im ready to bite there head of because i think there going to be mean to me or offend me somehow. I may have a best friend and if it wasn't for her i may not have learned to cope with friend's and let go of some of my fears. never everything but somethings and its nice to be somewhat free of the feeling that your going to be somehow hurt by someone .
Even though i still feel like this sometimes it gets worse around family or people and i just want to be alone. but then i become so lonely i wish i had someone to talk to. and when i walk down the steps i tell myself "be brave"
and i get down them steps and then im about to say all that i ever wanted to say and be myself. and then then what ? BOOM i walk over to get something so i dont look dumb and walk back up the steps...because i noticed "i cant" all i ever wanted was to have a lover to join a party of people and laugh and play games. But my life cant work like that...even when i try so damn hard over and over it still somehow some way fails.
and then i feel like people don't understand when they say they do understand! any maybe they do but my mind it wont let me believe they do. When i was younger i tired to kill myself 4 times each time failed it failed because i new i had people who would be sad around me and people who did love me and i had my best friend who thought me everything would be okay and makes me laugh and smile and be normle for a day with her. im happy i am here today. but i am not happy about who bullied me and who hurt me in the past. because they "GAVE ME THIS" if its true they "GAVE ME IT" and ill never hate them but ill never forgive them and trust me hating them is very hard for me not to do. does anyone understand my feelings with having this?
you know something hell i can't even talk here without being scared im doing something wrong or going to be jugged.
i cant even talk to my own mother without feeling attacked and it isn't her fault never was.

I know exactly how you feel.

This could be me back when I was in grades 5-7.

I'll give you a message of hope - it can get better. I don't feel that way anymore, I've found people who like me and learnt to feel safe interacting with them. Occasionally the fear comes back, but I just work through it and it fades again. This feeling doesn't have to stay. Good counseling and support can help you find happiness.

I am one of the more server cases from what he said.
I got support i got people and some of the best and they help with it don;t ever think they don't. But i a the type were it dont help haveing people say its okay im still scared im still nervus im still sad.
that dont mean i cant get help. and i thankyou for replying. but i just work another way and with me its not something thats going to just flote away.