Was I wrong?

Post Reply New Topic

I just don't know what to think about myself anymore. I just didn't want people to control me. Standing up to a person who seemed controlling felt like a good thing to me. Nevermind the thoughts I had about what I'd become if they kept telling me what to do. Thoughts about becoming oppositionally defiant and even sociopathic. I felt it, you know, and I really didn't care if I had to be that way forever.

It seems anytime I do something non-autistic I get a lot of praise but I'm discouraged for wanting to embrace autism, which feels like the real me. Am I just a pretender like so many others with autism when they try to fit in? I don't want to be that way. I could be marvelous. In only two days I've been reading and writing and actually feeling smart for a change and coming up with ideas. Some of my ideas for projects involve a lot of intense focus and study and I can't do that if I'm always breaking to be social.

It seems though some family members are actually starting to care about me because they think I'm mentally ill and need help desperately. They either don't care and think I should just get over my issues or they think I'm not even in control of my faculties.

I don't know anymore. I just want someone to put me Zyprexa, Lithium, and Risperiodone. Let me be dull and complacent.

My emotions are so intense and short lived. Although I was pretty sped-up, possibly delusional for the last 48 hours. Then I became depressed/ suicidal, then I was intensely excited and creative, and now I think I'm just a more mild version of what I was in the last 48 hours.

I could have anything. I give up.

PMDD
Bipolar
Borderline Personality disorder
Pathological Demand Avoidance syndrome
Oppositional Defiance disorder
Narcissistic Personality disorder
PTSD

Or all of them. Add OCD/Limerence to the list and you have a full picture of me.

I just don't want people to change me, thereby controlling me. I know it's an overreaction. I know I'm mentally ill. I think really bad thoughts. Violent ones. I used to think I'll never act on them. I've felt like I've been pushed pretty harshly lately and I never acted on these thoughts. Now people are backing down because they think I'm so unhinged. They're probably right.

Is there someway us folks on WP can help with your situation? No one wants you to obviously go down a dark path.

I don't know. I don't think I'll go down that dark path. I don't really know what will happen though.
I just seem to be very impulsive now. Maybe I'm using it to cope. I could blow a lot of money but I'm not doing anything like that yet. I've already spent over $100 on little knick knacks from a comic book store.

I've really got to eat something and feed my cats.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. Sometimes I have episodes when I really decide to do things like thinking I'm going to become O.D.D but then I don't repeat it, or if I do it takes another 6 months until I do. Sometimes I feel so guilty and confused about it I'll try to avoid doing the same behaviour.

Then I think about the people I like, the really normal ones, and I just feel like I'm too crazy to even know them. I kind of have a crush on this person and it can never just be a regular crush, it has to be part of a damn anxiety disorder.

I think just being here and getting a chance to talk about this makes me feel a bit better.

Borderline PD and Narcissistic PD are both cluster B personality disorders. Many ppl with one cluster B personality disorder also show signs of other PDs in the same cluster (is also true for the other clusters).
Usually ODD is just dx in children, if this behaviour is still present in adulthood, it usually get replaced by a PD like Borderline PD or Anticosial PD, depents on the behaviour.
PMDD is more often present in ppl with Bipolar and also symptoms of cluster B personality disorders are found more often in ppl with Bipolar. But eventhough you can have BPD and Bipolar at the same time, they still differ in their mood swings. Usually if you have both, the Bipolar moodswings are also more severe.
PTSD is more common in ppl with BPD and Bipolar, eventhough there are differences.
Pathological Demand Avoidance syndrome is neither in the current DSM, nor in the ICD-10 and never was. For me it sounds mostly like autistics who are also shy and withdrawn what's especially typical for female autistics. Also many autistics also fullfill the diagnostic criteria of Avoidant PD. It doesn't make much sence to me to make an own suptype out of it.

Actually PDA is about severe anxiety over people giving you directions, or in this case, correcting you. Heh. The symptoms are very much like autism except for the social manipulation which I ahh could say I'm guilty of doing. Even though it's not in the DSM or ICD-10 people can be diagnosed and treated for it. I don't have APD - I'm pretty social. I'm certainly not shy anymore, more disinterested or think socializing is made up of completely fake and dull people. Sometimes I think that at least.
I think the sub type needs to exist because right now I desperately need treatment for it. The criteria reads like my whole childhood story and fills in some gaps that I used to have when comparing myself to others on the autistic spectrum.
My main problem is I feel people that give orders or even make suggestions are controlling me, and I've felt like that since at least my teenage years. I'm still feeling it. I mean, I'm confused that someone with unmedicated bipolar/possibly borderline/ OCD can tell me I need help. I've watched/over head her manic episodes and I'm not nearly that bad. I explode every couple of months at her. I know I'm mentally ill and overreact about many things and have severe anxiety, but I also think she's either blind to her own problems or manipulative.

I know I have PMDD because of the time when the symptoms hit. My only suicide attempt was around that time and in the year where I developed it. My mood problems started as PMDD (a common side effect to the pill) and only since March (on Ritalin) became constant. I also suffered a trauma in May 2012 and many of the symptoms were like what I have now but not as extreme, and more about anxiety over my safety than elated moods and depression with suicidal ideation.

I would say my mood episodes are severe but I do have relationship issues that make me think borderline.

I showed O.D.D symptoms when I was about 13. I have ADHD so it's always a worry that I develop it. However, it seems to be related to mood episodes and I've heard that it's often confused whether someone has O.D.D or bipolar, especially in children.

But thanks for the info on personality disorders. I don't know much about them.

The NPD parts happen when I'm hypomanic/manic. I notice that I'm acting more arrogant than usual.

Eh. I'm going to have to tell this all to a new psychiatrist. I'll allow people to control me for a little while.