Hows my poem for my school project?

Post Reply New Topic

It's from the perspective of a single guy. And its focusing on the depression I guess.....

Input, please?! Thanks. I'm so worried it sucks! And someone told me it cannot be accurately called a disorder. Is that true? Because it rhymes with the end.


__________________________________________


For me it feels like I’m in a submarine.
I watch all around me the fishes and coral
They drift through the water–pretty and floral.
I wish I could join, but I haven’t got gills.

In my real life case, that’s no social skills.


People ignore me, since I never say hi.
They get fed-up during conversations–
Deem my subjects too “dry”.
To be honest, it’s okay, I have my computer.




… Would it be different if they thought I was cuter?

My colleagues confuse me; they’re indirect and fake.
Like pretending it was on purpose when they’ve made a mistake.
Why can’t people just grin, when they’re feeling glad,
Instead of smiling, when they’re actually sad?

It’s my flaw, really, my ability to perceive expressions is bad.


Aged 29, and I’ve never been kissed.
It’s pretty sad, yes, but is there anything I haven’t missed?
I think it’s okay–for me anyway.
I can’t even stand close without staring away.

But I’m good for now, if I scream at the end of each day.


I’m very proficient, though, at the job that I do.
Even if I’m alone, I’ll still pull through.
Half in, half out, I’m always mid-way, between
the things I do right, and the wrong things I say.
… That’s just my affliction: stuck on the border.


Because of my asperger’s disorder.

I thought it was great . I could relate to a lot of it, too. It sounds like it really could have been written by the 29 year old man.

I can relate to that poem, as well.

As it stands it's OK. You're 17? That's a fine effort.

I would say that when writing in future if you choose to rhyme and use a rhyming structure then adhere to it better. Or ditch it altogether. Embedding the rhymes into a non-rhyming structure can be very clever and effective. You're own style will evolve over time - experiment.

Keep writing it though. The next one will be better. And the one after that better still as your craft increases. (Ignore it if you write the occassional one that sucks. Bin it and pretend it never happened).

I write poetry, prose and comic doggerel myself when that side of my brain is dominant - but it's been the numbers/engineering side dominant for the last few years, but I still understand enough to appreciate the work of others.

I think it is too upfront.
I like when something is so thick with metaphor it is indistiguishable from the original, except for me.
It is also not Asperger's disorder, but Asperger's syndrome.
Also, are you aged 29 or 17?
You are being contradictory.

I thought it was intriguing and catchy. I can kind of relate. AS poems really fascinate me

[quote="Sassychick"]I thought it was intriguing and catchy. I can kind of relate. AS poems really fascinate me [/quote
Thanks

I particularly like your opening imagery of being in a submarine, separated from the rest yet able to see the action going on around. I think the poem might be a bit more satisfying if you came back to this imagery in the last stanza.

At any rate, you seem to have a good understanding of how a single guy might feel. Good work.

Lars