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samtoo
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09 Oct 2010, 11:19 pm

The poem may be incomplete and a little rough around the edges, so I might make some alterations in due time.

Would you listen?

Would you listen, as I dial the phone line pleading for an answer?
Can you hear me, yelling at this lifeless, plastic block?
Do you care, as I weep a sea of tears, the blood of the soul leaking through my eyes?
Will you answer, as I smash my hand ferociously on jagged rocks?

Till the bone snaps, the flesh rips apart, the veins burst, wearily the blue lava flows…
Would you save me, as I plunge this dagger deep through the tendons of my wounded heart?
Below the crimson sky, witness the death dance of the circling crows.

Do you know me, your forsaken lover? Do you remember who I am?
Thus how can I adjust to a life of tormented despair?
I see cogs in your eyes, like a machine you place the palm of your hand on the candle’s blinking flame… a ghostly mist… do you even care?


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CockneyRebel
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09 Oct 2010, 11:21 pm

That's a great poem. I've felt like that many times, in my past. :)


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samtoo
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09 Oct 2010, 11:56 pm

Thank you very much, CockneyRebel. :)


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conundrum
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10 Oct 2010, 2:42 am

Yay--you posted it!

Very well-written! I hope you keep writing. Thanks for sharing this. :D


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samtoo
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10 Oct 2010, 9:13 am

Thank you very much, conundrum. :)


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Happiness never decreases by being shared.


Ambivalence
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10 Oct 2010, 10:43 am

samtoo wrote:
Would you listen, as I dial the phone line pleading for an answer?
Can you hear me, yelling at this lifeless, plastic block?
Do you care, as I weep a sea of tears, the blood of the soul leaking through my eyes?
Will you answer, as I smash my hand ferociously on jagged rocks?

Till the bone snaps, the flesh rips apart, the veins burst, wearily the blue lava flows…
Would you save me, as I plunge this dagger deep through the tendons of my wounded heart?
Below the crimson sky, witness the death dance of the circling crows.

Do you know me, your forsaken lover? Do you remember who I am?
Thus how can I adjust to a life of tormented despair?
I see cogs in your eyes, like a machine you place the palm of your hand on the candle’s blinking flame… a ghostly mist… do you even care?


I'd ditch some of the commas to speed up the flow, don't think the third line scans very well, change "through" to "into" or something like that, and change "Thus" to "So" or similar ("So how shall I", maybe); it's good, though. Don't think much of the subject material, mind. :lol:


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samtoo
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11 Oct 2010, 12:46 pm

Thank you very much, Ambivalence. :)


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Happiness never decreases by being shared.