A Vignette I wrote

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This vignette, titled “A Memory for Sempiternity”, that I wrote yesterday and I strove for the aesthetic ideal of miyabi (something like “refinement” or “elegance” in Japanese) in its prose style. “A Memory for Sempiternity” is the first piece of literature I have posted publicly; I have just started intensively writing literature.

“A Memory for Sempiternity” is set in my alternate history timeline/constructed world on an Earth covered by a ecumenopolis (a world-covering city) of over 1.8·10^13 people. Though chronologically in the early 20th century CE, technologically and socially it is far more advanced, perhaps about 600 years ahead of our level in terms of technology. There are several words in my constructed language but each shall its the pronunciation after it the first time it appears.

I have the following basic questions on your opinions about the vignette: What real world cultures does the culture most resemble? What is the writing like in resemblance to other pieces of literature? What is the quality of the writing overall? What could I do to improve?

Today is +4252_23_1 in People's Dates, 1909-243 in ISO-8601. Ral'lum (/ɹɐlum/), Beautiful Essence, gazes in awe at the great world-covering city of Sulsywna (/sulsəu̯nɐ/), City of the Sapient Path, capitol of the People's Federation, below her as her starship enters low Earth orbit. Soon she is to be rewarded for her intellectual brilliance by being initiated as a scholar-bureaucrat for the state in a grand ceremony, an event which occurs but once a calendar round, alongside her peers.

As one of the several tens of shuttles arriving at the starship descends upon the colossus covering most of the Desi Subcontinent that is the Paskanpasle (/pɐskɐnpɐsle/), the Grand University, Ral'lum gathers her luggage filled with a trio of microfiber tunics, her hand-sized computer, its wearable keyboard and other things needed for her new life in the capitol.

The shuttle floats to the spaceport's ground as gently as a weaverbird from a tree. Ral'lum takes her luggage to the underground station about a hectometre away.

The bustling underground station some 11 decametres below the surface is held up by mighty, cylindrical, concrete columns decorated with geometric friezes and is endowed with a stained concrete floor ornamented with interlace and dot patterns. As the underground comes through the evacuated concrete tube, Ral'lum steps onto a large, crowded yet pleasant boogie with some hundred other passengers.

After but a few minutes of hypersonic travel, Ral'lum has arrived below the Paskanpasle's core. Ral'lum disembarks and walks towards one of the station's several helical staircases to reach the surface.

Upon reaching the surface, the full grandeur of the largest city of all is before Ral'lum's senses. Tens of myriads of scholar-bureaucrats, students, officials and countless others walk across the 15 thousand decare Ponsenme (/ponsenme/), Plaza of Thought, while but a short run away great shallow pools filled with cichlids, carp, filter shrimp, water lilies and the like lie under splendid, arborsculpted groves covered with people sitting crosslegged at picnics and in study. And some four kilometres in the distance lies the Moksamoksawun (/moksɐmoksɐwun/), the Tower of the Great Enlightenment, and all its 19, hexagonally prismatic steps to its pinnacle at an awesome 7,057 metres above its base, her destination.

Ral'lum walks towards one of the grand, elliptically arched doors at the Moksamoksawun's base, she enters the superb, stained concrete gateway into the supertall, she walks towards the hundred some clerks, she displays her degree on her computer's holographic projector to a young man, smiling in approval of her documentation.

As night falls, Ral'lum joins some 7 myriad others in the initiation ceremony. As a heartbreaking song specific to this sort of initiation plays, as the soon to be scholar-bureaucrats are lined up, wearing identical, ornately geometric painted paper masks, exemplifying the necessary virtues of a scholar-bureaucrat, wisdom, calmness, self-restraint and selflessness, that their minds are endowed with, while clad in cloaks of like ornamentation and symbolism, reminding them of the great importance of making these virtues reality via the inalienable connection between thought, force and being.

Ral'lum and her fellow soon to be initiates are then instructed to walk forward, towards a bank of tall, oval, litre-volume polished, translucent concrete bowls on the ground beside each of which stood an initiator. Upon reaching her bowl alongside all the others, Ral'lum is shown a piece of gracefully cut cardboard slip with the glyphs for “duty” incised upon it by her initiator. And then, with the sounding of 13 drums in unison, the initiator places the slip atop her mask.

And as Ral'lum takes in what has just occurred with a lovely mixture of jubilation and awe, she knows her duty is to be carried out excellently.

I edited the name of the city, which was incorrect.

So, what does everyone think?

Here is a parable I wrote, also set in my constructed world, with the moral of the story being “do your duty”, as told through a character's transformation and honoring of his mutual obligations; the story is highly influenced by the Andean worldview, especially in the concepts of transformation and reciprocity.

Feel free to comment on it, analyze it or ask questions about it.

Just so you understand, a day group is 4 days and a calendar round is 256 days.

The parable is titled "Lotny & Fasyti."

It was a gorgeous dusk on 18th century Mokfastannemy, Orange Double Planet, with the other half of the terraformed double iron planet partially eclipsing the orange bright giant star, an occurrence that happened but once every five day groups. As the great star faded away as night fell, the 11 calendar round old siblings Lotny, Calm/Exemplary, and Fasyti, Rejuvenation/Coconut Water, ran towards a nearby park so that they could gather velvet worms for their compulsory school's service learning requirement, as was so every three day groups.

“Alas! I have found the first two on this nurse log” called Lotny, stained spinel bottle in hand, to a Fasyti, pretending to take notes but in fact sending messages to his friends.

“Quite so” tersely replied Fasyti.

“We must gather 30 more of these creatures before we return” informed Lotny as he carried on further into the park's superb and orderly arboretum.

“And with that we have 32!” said Lotny proudly on collecting his last velvet worm.

“Let us see your notes now” said an approaching Lotny to a shocked Fasyti.

“Curse your sloth! You have not a glyph on our project” yelled a livid Lotny to a nervous Fasyti.

“It shall be done before class tomorrow” said Fasyti in desperation.

“Nonsense” cried Lotny. But then a small grin appeared as his mind ignited with a plan.

“You are to record all that is about these velvet worms; you would not desire a day group of reeducation through labor for laziness for failing to do your duty before dawn?” spoke Lotny, clearly pleased with himself. Fasyti was now forced to fulfill his obligation to Lotny should wrath of the state be avoided.

“It shall be done” said Fasyti timidly.

As Lotny phoned his pellfu's teplotny, his corporate group's head official, of his desire to spend the night in the park with Fasyti, so Fasyti's friends quickly ceased responding to his messages out of respect and understanding for their pellfu's needs.

“You are certain you do not desire reeducation through labor?” teased an annoyed Lotny while a self pitying Fasyti squatted on the forest floor. It seemed that he was to complete nothing before daybreak.

But just then, Fasyti sprang from his position and began to record the velvet worms' traits in the bottle with great speed on his computer. And upon completing this duty but a short while later, an he told an awestruck Lotny of further desires she wished to complete.

“I wish to record the diameter of each tree in the park for the dendrologists” he calmly told Lotny. And so it was done with great grace and accuracy.

“I wish to measure the depth of the park's lake for the limnologists” he said to Lotny with a smile. And so it was finished with splendid speed and quality.

“I wish to measure the soil for the pedologists” spoke Fasyti to Lotny with great cheer. And so it was done using the proper fashion and tools.

As the star smiled upon Mokfastannemy with dawn, the two students joyously presented their completed assignment, and Fasyti's three extra works, to their jubilant science teacher. Lotny befriended Fasyti, for while Fasyti now owed nothing to anyone, now, thanks to his magnificent transformation and selfless generosity towards others, others owed him much and, in his newfound honor and friendship, he also had much.

Does anyone have any questions or comments?

Bump. Will someone please respond? Thank you!