Aspie hip-hop

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Hey y'all,

Been trying to work through some of my s**t in order to make a relationship work. It was touch-and-go for a while (nearly f****d it up) but I think things are just starting to get better. She's showing a lot more understanding of my ASD (still hard for her, but she no longer claims that I'm not trying, or that I'm saying the wrong things on purpose), and I'm learning a lot of new skills to show her I care, to be loving and supportive of her. Still, as rewarding as it is, it's hard work. She's into hip-hop and at one low point we wrote each other raps, and that formal, structured communication actually made me express myself better, and understand her better. So this evening, reflecting on where I am in life right now, I wrote this. Hope you like it.



Since the day I was born the world's been too much
The lights and the colours, the smells and the touch
And emotions in my head
Can make me wish I was dead
Cause I feel like I'm drowning
And you think I'm just clowning

Every flash of light is a firework to me
Every loud sound can send shudders through me
Your emotions confuse me
Your expressions bemuse me
When every single whisper sounds like a shout,
I hope you'd understand that I gotta block it out.

Living behind walls
Screening all my calls
Avoiding every situation
That could destroy my concentration
You could say that I cope
But I was running out of hope

Walking down the road with my eyes on my feet
Ran straight into someone when I went to cross the street
I was startled, but I paused at her smile
Now it's been on my mind for a while
Been doing some thinkin'
Cause I'd like to let her in

But how do you unlearn some instincts so old?
Gotta open the door that keeps out the cold.
I gotta admit, that this routine has got me tired
But how do I listen when I feel this wired?
Please God don't let me fall to pieces
Every social skill is a social prosthesis.

When I looked up love in the dictionary
I thought I understood it, but I should have been wary
Love isn't just a word in a book
It lives in each moment, it shows in every look
So many habits to unlearn
Here's a bridge that I can't burn

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Art, Writing, and Music]

Lets take it back to the roots, blue hedgehog with the boots, rings and the loops. Used to have dreams 'bout the speed, the flow. Gotta go fast gotta go


Dont look at the man behind the curtain, im certain
that everythings fine just how its working, concern your
self with the image we're providing, advising
you to conform and idolise them

Sam,

That is a pretty sick rap about the olden days. Your drawing is an archetype of pure velocity.

Rock on.

Gotta keep it realistic
Gonna quote you a statistic
My memory's vast
For the facts of the past
I know my Angevins
from my Benjamin Franklins

Not going to lie, this is very awkward. It's not bad, but awkward. Very, very very awkward. I can support alternative stuff, but I don't think your theme is very good at all.

Well, I actually like it. I recognise much of what you describe in the lyrics, and it seems to rhyme pretty well. Thanks for sharing with the board! I hope you'll hang in there and that you and your girlfriend work things out between yourselves.

I do it like the 718, no debate, the hammer’s down,
Pushing whip on dogs to take back the moddest pounds,
Unoriginal, none individual, they don’t see
The unique in Peg City got the A-Ron P,
You may have a record deal, and the hottest of beats...
But in the spirit realm, you’re still out on the streets!
You know my steez is in identity while yours is in your lovers.
Your toast is charred burnt, and bland without butter,
Getting hype with a message, drop and live in your dream,
No more stealing, no more killing with your lyrical beam!
Being full of yourself is only leaving you empty,
I don’t care who you rep, I know the keys to heaven’s entry for centuries!

Selah!

I'll never pass as a veteran, yet you wanna battle me!
Step to me, my steel toes got your snakes rattling!
Tactics be underage, classics get you ID,
To win, put away leaves and spiked up poison ivy!
Whether single with a dingo or a shorty to mingle,
I stack whacks like chips, while your stacking up Pringles,
Like Rango, I’m the underdog running the west,
I'm intense living assignments while you dodging the test,
Digesting readers and the industry breeders,
I head lock seeders, scramble sucker egg-beaters!
Like Macs, I’m jobless yet efficient, my stock holds
Your flaws owned, I take you down like Samson with jawbones!

I sometimes miss social subtexts, so let me clear: is it on, aarpar? I fear it may be on.

Oh.

It's on.

Ka-BAM!

Don't say that I'm a criminal
Since my position's liminal,
I'd like to sing a hymn an' all,
But you all drive me up the wall!

I've got no time to deliberate:
Instead, my words incinerate;
They're not sodium bicarbonate,
But dynamite, mate.

So you think you have a chance in hell?
Stop staring in that wishing well.
Cause when I'm through, the news will tell
About the horrid smoky smell.

And so pack your words up.
You ain't gonna catch up!
This ain't no time to act tough
Because you really mucked up.

Woah! Just playin', dude. Nice stanza btw.

In reality I find that AS and hip-hop don't seem to work too well together. Poetically if we were sharing poems in a circle rather than battling in a cypher, it would work because most of the time it's about the voice instead of what has the better rhyme. However, considering a lot of people with AS are shy, we couldn't really battle to save our lives even if we were wannabe rappers. Hip-hop is a very aggressive genre of music and AS can be an obstacle in putting out that aggressive edge. Not saying it can't be done, but it takes confidence and courage to really be a classic AS rapper. AS rappers may not read social skills well but if they're confident in their voices, they can become great teachers like KRS-One.

A form of rapping I can see the appeal of? No way! I like these!

Thanks, aarpar. No worries, I'm playing too; it was fun! I'd never been in a rap battle before. I had to say I was quite intimidated by this one, as your flow is pretty effin awesome.

I'm not sure whether I'd have the guts to get up and perform my rhymes, I have to admit. I do enjoy the wordplay, though (as a lot of us must) so I'm not going to write it off entirely. I'd certainly lose a battle if I had to freestyle, but with a few minutes of prep I think I do alright (everything I wrote here came out really smoothly; didn't take me much time at all). I don't even know that shyness is a barrier.

I see shyness, in my own case, as a reaction to not knowing how to participate in a social situation. It's not that I don't have things to say. Sometimes I even have a strong interest in the conversation, and have something to contribute, but I don't know when it's appropriate to jump in, and when I do it seems to derail the conversation whether I intend to or not. Hmph. So yeah, I can be shy.

I don't think that that means that hip-hop is too aggressive for me, though. For one thing, I often have pretty strong opinions and an environment which encourages me to speak them actually sounds encouraging. And I'm not sure that hip-hop is in and of itself aggressive per se (like you point out with KRS-One: it can be about being a teacher... which is my job two nights a week as it happens); maybe assertive is a better word. Or as my girlfriend put it (things are going a bit better now; thanks to well-wishers), hip-hop comes from not being heard. I don't like to think of my ASD as a set of things that I CAN'T do. I look it as posing a set of challenges to me that other people don't necessarily have to deal with (though you obviously don't have to be aspergic to have difficulty communicating, or to feel out of place in a social situation). I reckon I have to accept myself with my limitations, but be confident that I can find ways to work around those limitations, even if I can't overcome them in a permanent, absolute sense.

That was a bit of a rant, and I should in all fairness admit that you're saying something quite similar (you didn't say "can't" so much as "can't easily"). I'd actually really like to hear any more of your thoughts on the subject. I get the impression that you're speaking from some prior experience, and I'd be eager to hear about that too.