Scifi Story I'm Writing: Help?

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Here's the Story, as it has been written so far. I like to call it, "Above the Moon":

The bulky, grey spacecraft cruised above the surface of the Moon. Its four ion drives, which look like large, metal boxes that carry blue spheres of glowing light, led it unto the landing pad. It had two ion missiles with nuclear warheads attached to the front of the missiles. In weaponry, it has two hydrazine machine guns(which had the substance contained in a tank) and twin laser cannons, not including the aforementioned nuclear warheads that could destroy entire cities with a single blow.

The spacecraft generated gravity by constantly applying centrifugal force. While propulsion rockets seem better, there is a reason it uses an Ion drive. Its speed, while slower then a propulsion rocket, also gives it the ability to conserve fuel and use it to travel to more further regions. That is the reason it uses this type of engine.

The ship type was a Red Bureaucracy Space Cruiser. There was not really any other spacecrafts it had to worry about(since nobody on Earth besides the Red Bureaucracy had ever blasted anything bigger than a single room into space.) The moon colony was a medium-sized, domed facility(about ten kilometers in diameter) which was made out of carbon nano-tubes supported by titanium beams on the inside of the entire build. It had an out-reaching, circular landing pad made of concrete that is big enough to put a single spacecraft on it. A small tube connected an outcropping building near the pad to the dome. A door was set into the building.

The cruiser hovered slightly above the ground before it let out a tube big enough to hold a man down into the platform. A door was in the design of the tube, which opened to show a person no taller than six feet, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and amazingly pale skin. Under the spacesuit were corded muscles. He was wearing a spacesuit made of some sort of red material.
The head of the man was enclosed in some sort of glass bubble. Two metal cylindrical oxygen tanks were attached to the back. A satchel was over his shoulder. The satchel was black as space, and had nothing out of the ordinary with it. The inside is silvery.

The man proceed towards the door in strange, hopping motions and entered the building. The inside was grey and contained several tanks of air. A space suit was near the door, hanging next to the air tanks.

In front of the man was what looked like the opening to a tube. The corridor was white. The man proceeded into the device. He tumbled around in a strange way, but this was normal when going down the tube. After three hours of this motion, he exited into the moon base.

The inside of the Moon base was made of concrete and looked like a military base. A man that looked exactly like him passed by. He was wearing a black turtleneck,black pants, black boots, and black gloves, as well as goggles. The lenses were red.

The reason they look alike is because the Red Bureaucracy is mostly made up of clones. The society is a communist-fascist nation made of humans that is extremely xenophobic, to the point where they have no mercy and kindness for anything that is not of the species Homo Sapien.

Besides humans, there was a few other species on Earth; the Jabbernak, a race of humanoids that had curved, pointed ears that faced parallel to the ground, almost in a position like that of a lop eared rabbit. They have no nose, three fingers(not including the thumb) on each hand, and no hair besides four long, thick whiskers that made them look a bit like rabbits with their ears. Instead of feet they have hoofs, and their skin color can be a multitude; they vary from light gold to dark red to light blue. Their eyes are completely black, except for a colored pupil which helped distinguished them from another. The average height is six feet. They are also capable of breeding with humans.

Another race is the dramer: a dwarf-like race of silicon instead of carbon. They are stout and usually have greenish-grey skin and jem-like eyes. Blood has more iron in their blood than humans and has a strange hue.

These two others worked for a the Empire: a grand, old nation that had a republic. It has lasted a thousand years and strives to last more. They are the one of the challenges to the Red Bureaucracy, who have their cold and emotionless clones. The Republic strives in the west while the Red Bureaucracy strives in the West.

Anyway, the space man continued down toward a room labeled “Security Bunker” and went inside it, revealing a structure that holds translucent tube-like containers that have a glowing, green liquid in them. He stripped off all his clothing and entered one. Metal coils inserted themselves into the back of the neck, the bladder, and the brain. His bottom was covered by a device that pulled in waste matter and disposed of it via furnace. The man closed his eyes and fell asleep.

The container he had entered is a device that keeps people in statius and takes care of the body. The green liquid actually provides proteins to the body, as well as nutrients. This is the way people in the nation sleep: like they’re in an embryo.

Other nations find the Red Bureaucracy a nightmarish combination between racial purists, technology, strict order, militarism, and the enemy toward all magic, which they shun, since they find it primitive and non-secular. The foul nation also finds temples to gods a waste of time and resources devoted to creatures from other worlds.

You see, Magic is a form of energy that was found from a few things: beings that could connect to your mind and certain plants. They are also an inborn ability in the races of demons and celestials: two alien species that fight each other all over the galaxy. They both can use magic, but also rely on weapons that are low tech in appearance and in the way it is used, but usually involve high technology that is used to make the devices. They also have spacecrafts, but those are rare, since the two races don’t have enough resources or people to create one. That is why they usually don’t mess with the Red Bureaucracy, who have around two hundred cruisers which, while low tech for the celestials and demons, are usually capable of easily ruining their devices. The armor on celestial/demon spacecraft is usually light, and can’t stand one hit from a missile. That is another reason they stay away.

Now the Red Bureaucracy has not encountered anything unearthly besides the two aforementioned species, so they are about to encounter something they have not met before.

*****

After a week had passed, the alarm in the moon base rang out to alarm everyone that aliens were approaching. Since alarms don’t startle clones, everyone calmly stopped what they were doing and moved to a safe location.

The Security bunker activated all soldiers. They were freed from their sleep and got on their space suits and armor; vests, bracers, boots, joint armor, and helmets made of kevlar, as well as a bullet-proof glass shield. After the armor was put on, they equipped hydrazine submachine guns with armor-piercing rounds and sights.

The helmet was an interesting sort. It replaced the usual glass air bubble. The air tank could connect to it and give the user access to the precious oxygen inside.

After equipping their gear, they went outside the dome, via the nanotube passage and outside door. Some of them decided to guard the the base while the rest went onboard the space cruiser. It lifted off into the outer realm.

The crew aboard saw their first target: a bird-like purple craft that had no weapons. The soldiers responded by shooting it down with bullets. The rounds ripped the alien device apart easily. Then they landed back down to get into the station. They sent on radio this message(the exact words are different since it is in a different language):


The enemy craft was destroyed with incredible ease. They did not even stand a chance. We thought them fools to come unarmed. Still, could be a scout. The next might not die so easily.


After the Message was sent the soldiers went inside and reactivated the non-military personnel. The people started working again.

As you might tell from the message and what happened, the Red Bureaucracy always resort to violence when it comes to nonhumans. They don’t want diplomacy; only slaughter.

Suggestions?

You should insert spaces between your paragraphs so that they're easier to read and don't look like giant blocks of text.

Thanks

Sadly I have to say it's not very good, even thou I see imagination in it, but you fail completly in the most imoprtant thing about story writing, the emotional descriptions. It feels a bit like reading a manual, the reader must see it as you see it in your head. You're also lacking characters, no one have a clue who's telling us this and why. And remeber to stick to a tempus, it's usually best writing about the passed, presense takes quite a different writing technique since you can't really add stuff the person talking can't know.

I'll show you what I mean.

I kind of agree with Silvervarg. It's a good first draft, but be careful about always writing in the same tense (like, don't say "it had" and later "it has" when you are talking about the space ship). I think it would be helpful to think about what and how you need to write to make it easy for your audience to imagine what is going on in the story. You have a lot of detail, which is a good start, but what you are writing about is totally foreign and the way you describe it should make if more familiar. Like, when you wrote that the moon colony was medium-sized...no one has ever seen a moon colony, so they have no idea how big a medium-sized one is, and that detail doesn't help us imagine it.

Also, some of your technical descriptions are...yeah, dry like a manual. I like technical descriptions, but try to find a different way to discuss them that makes them more relevant to the story. Like, if something on the ship is built a certain way so it won't explode or something, mention that to make it feel more real, like what you wrote about the device that sucks away the human waste. Maybe have some scientists or engineers discussing how things are built, and put those details into the dialogue instead of narration.

Also, the narrator is supposed to know everything, so you can't describe something and not be sure what it is. A character could do that, but not the narrator. I'm talking about things like this part of the story: "In front of the man was what looked like the opening to a tube." Sounds like somebody looking over the guy's shoulder and has no idea what she sees. I think maybe you need to decide who is giving us these descriptions because the style switches back and forth between formal (like a narrator) and conversational (more like a character).

The last thing is something about style. It's a modernish style that I've noticed a lot of sci-fi writers use, and it's up to you whether you want to write that way or not, but I really hate it. It's randomly using techy-sounding terms without illustrating what they mean, like "carbon nanotubes" and "hydrazine." It doesn't give the reader any actual information, just litters the story with confusing, meaningless stuff. I don't know what hydrazine is, and I can't picture carbon nanotubes, so there is this huge blank space in my mind when I read stuff like that. It disrupts the flow of the story in my mind because I am picturing everything else you describe.

Other than that, you seem to write impersonally with lots of detail, which I like a lot.

I also noticed you don't indent paragraphs. They need to be. Just tab in one space. Spelling is also an issue in your writing. Incorrect spelling, grammatical errors, dangling particles, misplaced modifiers, et al are roadblocks that prevent readers from continuing to read further. Good luck.

What is this actually supposed to be anyway? A short story? A novel? Is there dialog? Who are the characters. You know, a good writer should allow their readers to determine whether a race of people is "good" or "bad". In one Star Trek episode, the Romulans crossed the neutral zone and attacked an outpost to which the Enterprise responded. To the Federation, the Romulans are aggressive and warlike. To the Romulans, they'd launched an offensive because of their perceived nature as being aggressive and sought to protect their homeland from a probable Federation offense. Spock even mentions something like, "No one knows what the Romulans think except the Romulans."

Your story also jumps around in regard to the narrator. That person needs to be clearly defined and the story has to be written from that perspective. Is he a grunt soldier? A commander? A housewife? A mouse hiding in a tiny little hole?

I wonder if there is TOO much story here. It's a little hard to follow because you inundate the reader with too many headache-inducing facts. Slow down. Let us breathe a little. Introduce a little human element so we, as readers, can stay involved.

The picture you've created in my mind in a domed moon colony under attack. That's fine. It's a good idea, but that's biting off a lot, because it presents tons and tons of questions such as: Why is there a moon colony? Does earth still exist? What year is it? Is the colony ran by a corporation or a government? Whose government? Is the society democratic, totalitarian, communist? Any fringe groups fighting against it? Any religions? What kinds of jobs and schools and homes are there?

Lastly, you tend to write things like, "He puts a module in the neck." Whose neck? It's "He puts a module in his neck."

Good luck.

I like the detail and the creativity, but I feel like I'm reading a textbook. It's almost as if it's stuck in a monotone. You should use words and phrases that are more expressive so it doesn't become boring.

But that's my input. Do what you think will work.

Some more food for thought. This story reads as an action story. That's good. It's a perpective which needs to be maintained throughtout the duration of the texts. If I learned anything from screenwriting is this: you write what we see. In an action narrative you tell us what we're seeing on the screen at the moment. When you pause to give a long background about a race or contructin of an engine it interrupts your narrative. That interruption is what makes your readers drift off into something else. Once you have the reader hooked you keep them hooked. Keep the action going. There will be a time when you'll get a chance to describe the specifics of the engine and commonwealth and the races and the background. You just have to learn to briefly allude to them while the action continues. Good luck.

Hey, here's the full first draft. Enjoy!

The bulky, grey spacecraft cruised above the surface of the Moon. Its four ion drives, which look like large, metal boxes that carry blue spheres of glowing light, led it unto the landing pad. It had two ion missiles with nuclear warheads attached to the front of the missiles. In weaponry, it has two hydrazine machine guns(which had the propellant, which was normally used for rockets, contained in a tank) and twin laser cannons, not including the aforementioned nuclear warheads that could destroy entire cities with a single blow.

The spacecraft generated gravity by constantly applying centrifugal force. While propulsion rockets seem better, there is a reason it uses an Ion drive. Its speed, while slower then a propulsion rocket, also gives it the ability to conserve fuel and use it to travel to more further regions. That is the reason it uses this type of engine to travel through space.

The ship type was a Red Bureaucracy Space Cruiser. There was not really any other spacecrafts it had to worry about(since nobody on Earth besides the Red Bureaucracy had ever blasted anything bigger than a single room into space.) The moon colony was a domed facility(about ten kilometers in diameter) which was made out of nano-tubes(as the name implies, microscopic tubes made out of carbon) supported by titanium beams on the inside of the entire build. It had an out-reaching, circular landing pad made of concrete that is big enough to put a single spacecraft on it. A small tube connected an outcropping building near the pad to the dome. A door was set into the building.

The cruiser hovered slightly above the ground before it let out a tube big enough to hold a man down into the platform. A door was in the design of the tube, which opened to show a person no taller than six feet, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and amazingly pale skin. Under the spacesuit were corded muscles. He was wearing a spacesuit made of some sort of red material.

The head of the man was enclosed in some sort of glass bubble. Two metal cylindrical oxygen tanks were attached to the back. A satchel was over his shoulder. The satchel was black as space, and had nothing out of the ordinary with it. The inside is silvery and labeled 'belongings'. The contents were three things: a hydro cutter, a syringe full of painkiller, and a pistol with a a small tank attached to it, supplying the same fuel as the machine gun.

The man proceed towards the door in strange, hopping motions and entered the building. The inside was grey and contained several tanks of air. A space suit was near the door, hanging next to the air tanks.

In front of the man was what looked like the opening to a tube. The corridor was white. The man proceeded into the device. He tumbled around in a strange way, but this was normal when going down the tube. After three hours of this motion, he exited into the moon base.

The inside of the Moon base was made of concrete and looked like a military base. A man that looked exactly like him passed by. He was wearing a black turtleneck,black pants, black boots, and black gloves, as well as goggles. The lenses were red.

The reason they look alike is because the Red Bureaucracy is mostly made up of clones. The society is a communist-fascist nation made of humans that is extremely xenophobic, to the point where they have no mercy and kindness for anything that is not of the species Homo Sapien.

Besides humans, there was a few other species on Earth; the Jabbernak, a race of humanoids that had curved, pointed ears that faced parallel to the ground, almost in a position like that of a lop eared rabbit. They have no nose, three fingers(not including the thumb) on each hand, and no hair besides four long, thick whiskers that made them look a bit like rabbits with their ears. Instead of feet they have hoofs, and their skin color can be a multitude; they vary from light gold to dark red to light blue. Their eyes are completely black, except for a colored pupil which helped distinguished them from another. The average height is six feet. They are also capable of breeding with humans.

Another race is the dramer: a dwarf-like race of silicon instead of carbon. They are stout and usually have greenish-grey skin and jem-like eyes. Blood has more iron in their blood than humans and has a strange hue.

These two others worked for a the Empire: a republic thousands of years old. They are the one of the challenges to the Red Bureaucracy, who have their cold and emotionless clones. The Republic strives in the West while the Red Bureaucracy strives in the East. However, Empire technology was limited to the point were there best computer was only capable of holding a gigabytes of information. The Red Bureaucracy, however, handheld computer could hold up to 5 terabytes of information.

Anyway, the man with the red-lensed goggles said to the other,"554, welcome to Moon base 1. We have received your arrival. Are you ready to take residence?"

554 responded, almost nervously, with,"Yes, I am." blood vessels stood out, the red bright. The hands started to twitch, like a spider with only five legs.

Now, 554 was not normal. He was different then the rest of the clones, who were emotionless. He was, instead, more sympathetic and had emotion. He was here only because he was at the Polar Incident, something he had best want to leave in the past.

554 continued down toward a room labeled “Security Bunker” and went inside it, revealing a structure that holds translucent tube-like containers that have a glowing, green liquid in them. He stripped off all his clothing and entered one. Metal coils inserted themselves into the back of the neck, the bladder, and the brain. 554's bottom half of the torso was covered by a device that pulled in waste matter and disposed of it via furnace. The man closed his eyes and fell asleep.

The container he had entered is a device that keeps people in stasis and takes care of the body. The green liquid actually provides proteins to the body, as well as nutrients. This is the way people in the nation sleep: like they’re in an embryo.

Other nations find the Red Bureaucracy a nightmarish combination between racial purists, technology, strict order, militarism, and the enemy toward all magic, which they shun, since they find it primitive and non-secular. The nation also finds temples to gods a waste of time and resources devoted to creatures from other worlds.

You see, Magic is a form of energy that was found from a few things: beings that could connect to your mind and certain plants. They are also an inborn ability in the races of demons and celestials: two alien species that fight each other all over the galaxy. They both can use magic, but also rely on weapons that are low tech in appearance and in the way it is used, but usually involve high technology that is used to make the devices. They also have spacecrafts, but those are rare, since the two races don’t have enough resources or people to create one. That is why they usually don’t mess with the Red Bureaucracy, who have around two hundred cruisers which, while low tech for the celestials and demons, are usually capable of easily ruining their devices. The armor on celestial/demon spacecraft is usually light, and can’t stand one hit from a missile. That is another reason they stay away.

Now the Red Bureaucracy has not encountered anything unearthly besides the two aforementioned species, so they are about to encounter something they have not met before.

*****

After a week had passed, the alarm in the moon base rang out to alarm everyone that aliens were approaching. Since alarms don’t startle clones, everyone calmly stopped what they were doing and moved to a safe location.

The Security bunker activated all soldiers. They were freed from their sleep and got on their space suits and armor; vests, bracers, boots, joint armor, and helmets made of kevlar, as well as a bullet-proof glass shield. After the armor was put on, they equipped hydrazine submachine guns with armor-piercing rounds and sights.
The helmet was an interesting sort. It replaced the usual glass air bubble. The air tank could connect to it and give the user access to the precious oxygen inside.

554 took out his pistol. He wondered what the hell the creature was.He knew that it wasn't a celestial or demon; that would register differently. Nor the Empire; too advanced. No, it was another party, something that was definitely not seen before.

After equipping their gear, they went outside the dome, via the nanotube passage and outside door. Some of them decided to guard the the base while the rest went onboard the space cruiser. It lifted off into the outer realm.

The crew aboard saw their first target: a bird-like purple craft that had no weapons. The soldiers responded by shooting it down with bullets. The rounds ripped the alien device apart easily. Then they landed back down to get into the station. They sent on radio this message(the exact words are different since it is in a different language):


The enemy craft was destroyed with incredible ease. They did not even stand a chance. We thought them fools to come unarmed. Still, could be a scout. The next might not die so easily.


After the Message was sent the soldiers went inside and reactivated the non-military personnel. The people started working again. 554, was, on the other hand, went out, wearing the special armor and going out onto the surface of the moon. What he saw terrified him.

Several purple missiles were coming towards the base. He thought, "what the hell is happening here? I need to get the damn spaceship ready." He went to the spaceship, opened the door in the tube, got inside it, and was inside.

The insides of the spaceship was a hallway of steel connected to three rooms: Stasis chambers, storage, and command deck. 554, went into the command deck, which had a battle computer, a piloting desk(computer and all) and other numerous components. He turned on the battle computer and tapped some buttons on the piloting desk. The cruiser set off into space.

However, before he turned on the computer, the base was hit by one of the missiles. The spaceships machine guns had turned toward another. Another missile hit. The machine guns fired. This time, the missile was hit, and destroyed. Another ship appeared suddenly, that looked like a purple sphere that had three metal tendrils and a six holsters for missiles, three missing. Another missile flew toward his spaceship, but before it hit, the missile was quickly dispatched by the machine guns. Then the laser cannons fired at the alien vessel. The impact caused a breach in the enemy hull. He then saw other ships that looked like it appearing from space. He decided to make a tactical decision.
*****

The Red Bureaucracy Space Cruiser moved close to the enemy ship. The purple thing from the stars grabbed ahold of the cruiser. A laser penetrated its hull as it slowly was bending the ship.

At the same time, 554 exited the ship and got on one of the tripod's legs. He used the breached section of the hull to get in. He climbed through what looked like wiring and computer parts before reaching the center. Inside was a thing that was extremely disturbing.

The being was wearing a gas mask; that was sure to say. The thing looked like a gray blob with two tendrils. The alien had a single piercing orange eye. The size was roughly six inches in radius, and seemed to look bloated, with a corpse-like smell. A rasping sound seemed to come from it.

554 shot a bullet into the creature. An acrid green substance seemed to splatter as the bullet impacted. He climbed out as the enemy craft was falling apart. He fell toward the moon surface, knowing that, while gravity was weaker, it still would hurt a lot if he fell 200 miles from space. He first decided to stand on a piece of metal that was falling. It helped a little, seeing he was on a flat surface, and jumped off at around a hundred-fifty miles on to another falling metal plate before deciding that every fifty miles, he would jump onto another plate until reaching the ground.

He looked at the sky, and then sent a message to the base.


We have to get the hell out of here. Too many alien ships. You are dead if you stay there. Move out and get to the escape pod. Just save yourselves! We are dead if we stay. If you think I am wrong for not engaging in combat. We just have to leave the damn ship! GET OUT!! !


As you see, 554 was not in the mood to be polite or clean with his words. He wanted to get out of the situation alive, and got up. He started to get himself aligned with the geography, and headed in the direction of the base.

After seven hours of stumbling, hopping, and other such movements across the moon's surface, he saw the base. Horror struck him as he saw an reddish orange glow and rips in the dome's protection. Ashes seemed to float in the moon's gravitational field. 554 thoughts screamed," You bastards! Why? Why? Damn YOU! DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, SLIMY BASTARDS! I HATE YOU!"

He was reduced to sobbing as he thudded the surface with his fist. Five soldiers approached him. They radioedded him,"554, we survived. What are you-"

554 grabbed his pistol and pointed it at them. He sent back this message,"You know what? Do you care that all those scientists died, as well as your fellow soldiers? I don't think so. You always think of acting first. The reason I survived the Polar Incident had nothing to do with fighting. I had one thing that the rest don't: Emotions. So, why don't I just shoot you all? Because you are all that's rest. Let's kill all those two-limbed squids and show them what were made of!" He put his gun down and looked at the remains of the base and walked forward, followed by the rest of the group.

Hey, here's the full first draft. Enjoy!

The bulky, grey spacecraft cruised above the surface of the Moon. Its four ion drives, which look like large, metal boxes that carry blue spheres of glowing light, led it unto the landing pad. It had two ion missiles with nuclear warheads attached to the front of the missiles. In weaponry, it has two hydrazine machine guns(which had the propellant, which was normally used for rockets, contained in a tank) and twin laser cannons, not including the aforementioned nuclear warheads that could destroy entire cities with a single blow.

The spacecraft generated gravity by constantly applying centrifugal force. While propulsion rockets seem better, there is a reason it uses an Ion drive. Its speed, while slower then a propulsion rocket, also gives it the ability to conserve fuel and use it to travel to more further regions. That is the reason it uses this type of engine to travel through space.

The ship type was a Red Bureaucracy Space Cruiser. There was not really any other spacecrafts it had to worry about(since nobody on Earth besides the Red Bureaucracy had ever blasted anything bigger than a single room into space.) The moon colony was a domed facility(about ten kilometers in diameter) which was made out of nano-tubes(as the name implies, microscopic tubes made out of carbon) supported by titanium beams on the inside of the entire build. It had an out-reaching, circular landing pad made of concrete that is big enough to put a single spacecraft on it. A small tube connected an outcropping building near the pad to the dome. A door was set into the building.

The cruiser hovered slightly above the ground before it let out a tube big enough to hold a man down into the platform. A door was in the design of the tube, which opened to show a person no taller than six feet, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and amazingly pale skin. Under the spacesuit were corded muscles. He was wearing a spacesuit made of some sort of red material.

The head of the man was enclosed in some sort of glass bubble. Two metal cylindrical oxygen tanks were attached to the back. A satchel was over his shoulder. The satchel was black as space, and had nothing out of the ordinary with it. The inside is silvery and labeled 'belongings'. The contents were three things: a hydro cutter, a syringe full of painkiller, and a pistol with a a small tank attached to it, supplying the same fuel as the machine gun.

The man proceed towards the door in strange, hopping motions and entered the building. The inside was grey and contained several tanks of air. A space suit was near the door, hanging next to the air tanks.

In front of the man was what looked like the opening to a tube. The corridor was white. The man proceeded into the device. He tumbled around in a strange way, but this was normal when going down the tube. After three hours of this motion, he exited into the moon base.

The inside of the Moon base was made of concrete and looked like a military base. A man that looked exactly like him passed by. He was wearing a black turtleneck,black pants, black boots, and black gloves, as well as goggles. The lenses were red.

The reason they look alike is because the Red Bureaucracy is mostly made up of clones. The society is a communist-fascist nation made of humans that is extremely xenophobic, to the point where they have no mercy and kindness for anything that is not of the species Homo Sapien.

Besides humans, there was a few other species on Earth; the Jabbernak, a race of humanoids that had curved, pointed ears that faced parallel to the ground, almost in a position like that of a lop eared rabbit. They have no nose, three fingers(not including the thumb) on each hand, and no hair besides four long, thick whiskers that made them look a bit like rabbits with their ears. Instead of feet they have hoofs, and their skin color can be a multitude; they vary from light gold to dark red to light blue. Their eyes are completely black, except for a colored pupil which helped distinguished them from another. The average height is six feet. They are also capable of breeding with humans.

Another race is the dramer: a dwarf-like race of silicon instead of carbon. They are stout and usually have greenish-grey skin and jem-like eyes. Blood has more iron in their blood than humans and has a strange hue.

These two others worked for a the Empire: a republic thousands of years old. They are the one of the challenges to the Red Bureaucracy, who have their cold and emotionless clones. The Republic strives in the West while the Red Bureaucracy strives in the East. However, Empire technology was limited to the point were there best computer was only capable of holding a gigabytes of information. The Red Bureaucracy, however, handheld computer could hold up to 5 terabytes of information.

Anyway, the man with the red-lensed goggles said to the other,"554, welcome to Moon base 1. We have received your arrival. Are you ready to take residence?"

554 responded, almost nervously, with,"Yes, I am." blood vessels stood out, the red bright. The hands started to twitch, like a spider with only five legs.

Now, 554 was not normal. He was different then the rest of the clones, who were emotionless. He was, instead, more sympathetic and had emotion. He was here only because he was at the Polar Incident, something he had best want to leave in the past.

554 continued down toward a room labeled “Security Bunker” and went inside it, revealing a structure that holds translucent tube-like containers that have a glowing, green liquid in them. He stripped off all his clothing and entered one. Metal coils inserted themselves into the back of the neck, the bladder, and the brain. 554's bottom half of the torso was covered by a device that pulled in waste matter and disposed of it via furnace. The man closed his eyes and fell asleep.

The container he had entered is a device that keeps people in stasis and takes care of the body. The green liquid actually provides proteins to the body, as well as nutrients. This is the way people in the nation sleep: like they’re in an embryo.

Other nations find the Red Bureaucracy a nightmarish combination between racial purists, technology, strict order, militarism, and the enemy toward all magic, which they shun, since they find it primitive and non-secular. The nation also finds temples to gods a waste of time and resources devoted to creatures from other worlds.

You see, Magic is a form of energy that was found from a few things: beings that could connect to your mind and certain plants. They are also an inborn ability in the races of demons and celestials: two alien species that fight each other all over the galaxy. They both can use magic, but also rely on weapons that are low tech in appearance and in the way it is used, but usually involve high technology that is used to make the devices. They also have spacecrafts, but those are rare, since the two races don’t have enough resources or people to create one. That is why they usually don’t mess with the Red Bureaucracy, who have around two hundred cruisers which, while low tech for the celestials and demons, are usually capable of easily ruining their devices. The armor on celestial/demon spacecraft is usually light, and can’t stand one hit from a missile. That is another reason they stay away.

Now the Red Bureaucracy has not encountered anything unearthly besides the two aforementioned species, so they are about to encounter something they have not met before.

*****

After a week had passed, the alarm in the moon base rang out to alarm everyone that aliens were approaching. Since alarms don’t startle clones, everyone calmly stopped what they were doing and moved to a safe location.

The Security bunker activated all soldiers. They were freed from their sleep and got on their space suits and armor; vests, bracers, boots, joint armor, and helmets made of kevlar, as well as a bullet-proof glass shield. After the armor was put on, they equipped hydrazine submachine guns with armor-piercing rounds and sights.
The helmet was an interesting sort. It replaced the usual glass air bubble. The air tank could connect to it and give the user access to the precious oxygen inside.

554 took out his pistol. He wondered what the hell the creature was.He knew that it wasn't a celestial or demon; that would register differently. Nor the Empire; too advanced. No, it was another party, something that was definitely not seen before.

After equipping their gear, they went outside the dome, via the nanotube passage and outside door. Some of them decided to guard the the base while the rest went onboard the space cruiser. It lifted off into the outer realm.

The crew aboard saw their first target: a bird-like purple craft that had no weapons. The soldiers responded by shooting it down with bullets. The rounds ripped the alien device apart easily. Then they landed back down to get into the station. They sent on radio this message(the exact words are different since it is in a different language):


The enemy craft was destroyed with incredible ease. They did not even stand a chance. We thought them fools to come unarmed. Still, could be a scout. The next might not die so easily.


After the Message was sent the soldiers went inside and reactivated the non-military personnel. The people started working again. 554, was, on the other hand, went out, wearing the special armor and going out onto the surface of the moon. What he saw terrified him.

Several purple missiles were coming towards the base. He thought, "what the hell is happening here? I need to get the damn spaceship ready." He went to the spaceship, opened the door in the tube, got inside it, and was inside.

The insides of the spaceship was a hallway of steel connected to three rooms: Stasis chambers, storage, and command deck. 554, went into the command deck, which had a battle computer, a piloting desk(computer and all) and other numerous components. He turned on the battle computer and tapped some buttons on the piloting desk. The cruiser set off into space.

However, before he turned on the computer, the base was hit by one of the missiles. The spaceships machine guns had turned toward another. Another missile hit. The machine guns fired. This time, the missile was hit, and destroyed. Another ship appeared suddenly, that looked like a purple sphere that had three metal tendrils and a six holsters for missiles, three missing. Another missile flew toward his spaceship, but before it hit, the missile was quickly dispatched by the machine guns. Then the laser cannons fired at the alien vessel. The impact caused a breach in the enemy hull. He then saw other ships that looked like it appearing from space. He decided to make a tactical decision.
*****

The Red Bureaucracy Space Cruiser moved close to the enemy ship. The purple thing from the stars grabbed ahold of the cruiser. A laser penetrated its hull as it slowly was bending the ship.

At the same time, 554 exited the ship and got on one of the tripod's legs. He used the breached section of the hull to get in. He climbed through what looked like wiring and computer parts before reaching the center. Inside was a thing that was extremely disturbing.

The being was wearing a gas mask; that was sure to say. The thing looked like a gray blob with two tendrils. The alien had a single piercing orange eye. The size was roughly six inches in radius, and seemed to look bloated, with a corpse-like smell. A rasping sound seemed to come from it.

554 shot a bullet into the creature. An acrid green substance seemed to splatter as the bullet impacted. He climbed out as the enemy craft was falling apart. He fell toward the moon surface, knowing that, while gravity was weaker, it still would hurt a lot if he fell 200 miles from space. He first decided to stand on a piece of metal that was falling. It helped a little, seeing he was on a flat surface, and jumped off at around a hundred-fifty miles on to another falling metal plate before deciding that every fifty miles, he would jump onto another plate until reaching the ground.

He looked at the sky, and then sent a message to the base.


We have to get the hell out of here. Too many alien ships. You are dead if you stay there. Move out and get to the escape pod. Just save yourselves! We are dead if we stay. If you think I am wrong for not engaging in combat. We just have to leave the damn ship! GET OUT!! !


As you see, 554 was not in the mood to be polite or clean with his words. He wanted to get out of the situation alive, and got up. He started to get himself aligned with the geography, and headed in the direction of the base.

After seven hours of stumbling, hopping, and other such movements across the moon's surface, he saw the base. Horror struck him as he saw an reddish orange glow and rips in the dome's protection. Ashes seemed to float in the moon's gravitational field. 554 thoughts screamed," You bastards! Why? Why? Damn YOU! DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, SLIMY BASTARDS! I HATE YOU!"

He was reduced to sobbing as he thudded the surface with his fist. Five soldiers approached him. They radioed him,"554, we survived. What are you-"

554 grabbed his pistol and pointed it at them. He sent back this message,"You know what? Do you care that all those scientists died, as well as your fellow soldiers? I don't think so. You always think of acting first. The reason I survived the Polar Incident had nothing to do with fighting. I had one thing that the rest don't: Emotions. So, why don't I just shoot you all? Because you are all that's rest. Let's kill all those two-limbed squids and show them what were made of!" He put his gun down and looked at the remains of the base and walked forward, followed by the rest of the group.

So, better?

sorry about any spelling errors. I'm not exactly an experienced writer. Look at my age. Still, not exactly an excuse. Look at Paolini. Yes, he was older than me, but still, it shows not all teen fiction is about silly relationships and rubbish plots were people talk like eight-year olds with a severe decrease in education. Just saying that.

Did you ever see the movie about Mozart called "Amadeus?" One night Mozart was conducting his new opera "The Abduction from the Seraglio" at a concert hall in which Prince Esterhazy himself was in attendance. Mozart's nemesis, Salieri, was also there. You could tell from Salieri and the prince's expressions that they weren't enjoying themselves. After the performance, the prince went to Mozart and said, "You know, I like your work, but this was just...how should I say..." Just then one of the prince's confidants said, "too many notes. This music sounds like a young man trying to impress beyond his years." That's what I get from your moon story. I actually have to conciously work very hard to reassemble your story so it makes sense in my brain. Its flow and narrative is just so disjointed that I feel it could give me a stroke! (Just kidding!)

It'd be simpler for me to correct all the errors but it's difficult with a computer because I'd actually have to have a red pen making corrections that you can visualize and adapt to your story. Here's some food for thought. Please think about these carefully in subsequent drafts.

1. Instead of writing, "...cylinders were attached to the back..." it's "...cylinders were attached to his back."
2. Remember what I'd said before about your narrative. If this is an action story then visually paint the story to fold in front of our eyes and hold off on specific race descriptions as it interrupts your flow.
3. Why is important, from the outset, that we know the spaceship was equipped with ion drives? What's its significance to this story?
4. Also, if these people are so evolved and advanced technology-wise, how come the hero uses a simple old fashioned pistol with bullets?
5. I got lost when you were describing the Red Bureaucracy on Mars, then all of a sudden, you digress to talking about the races on earth!
6. Strange hopping motion? What's so strange about it and what is the significance of mentioning it was a hopping motion? Is his leg broken? Is he pretending to be a rabbit? Is the gravity so weak he has no choice but to hop?
7. The inside of the satchel is silvery and labeled "belongings." How do we as readers know that? Was the satchel turned inside out?
8. He tumbled around in a strange way, but this was normal going down the tube. Okay. If this was normal why was it strange? I'm confused.
9. Purple missiles coming towardd s the base? In the blackness of space you can tell missiles traveling that fast are purple? Also, what happened to their missile warning system? Folks as advanced as these would surely have it.
10. Domed facility 10 km diameter wide. How tall is it?
11. What I mean by keeping the narrative in the same perspective is this: You say, "The container he had entered is a device that keeps people in stasis..." Instead try "He entered a device that keeps people in stasis..."
12. Define who is exactly telling this story so its perspective doesn't shift from "he" to "we."
13. You say "the being" and "the thing." Try, instead, the humanoid thing (or whatever it is) or the blob-like being or spindly being or scaly thing or whatever is a short but apt description. I say blob because your one eyd character reminds me of Jabba the Hutt.
14. Last point tonight: You begin a sentence, "Anyway..." "As you see..." "The reason they look alike is..." etc. You can drop those. Just go ahead and decrive briefly what we,re watchig up on the screen. Try to think of this as a movie unfolding in our eyes. Keep the descriptions to a minimum and keep us interested in watching - that's the important part! Good luck.