When getting into my special interest of punk music, I came across G. G. Allin and was traumatized by it. It wasn't so much the things he did but the fact that people encouraged his behavior. How could they not see that he was mentally ill and try to help him? Why did they egg him on? It disturbed me that so many people seemed to agree with the things he said and the lifestyle that he lived.
Really, the thing that traumatized me was that g. g. allin expressed openly how I feel and think on the inside, the rage at others and the self-hatred and impulse toward self-destruction I have been trying to hide because I am ashamed of it. His material hit too close to home for me.
Anyway, when I am at the factory working, my mind usually drifts off into coming up with song lyrics. They are pretty much offensive and about death and really, really dark negative stuff. I keep thinking, my music is so much like g. g. allin's. Finally I think I understand where he was coming from. Trust no one. Love no one. Do it to yourself before they do it to you (humiliate you, reject you, hurt you, abuse you). f**k society! Be a thorn in society's side! Also, he said if he did not do his music and live shows, he'd probably be a serial killer. Coming up with all those negative song lyrics in my head somehow makes me feel better too. It helps me get the rage out before I actually do commit suicide. (I doubt I would kill anybody other than myself. I have never been a violent person.)
I am tapping into all that rage right now because I am working through some early childhood abuse stuff. I'm not stuffing my feelings with addictive behavior so I feel those old feelings very intensely--the rage at unmet childhood needs. The hatred of humanity because they rejected me. My own shame and self-hatred and hopelessness. The stuff I felt as a kid and still haven't resolved. I understand his dad was a psycho and abused him when he was a kid and he didn't fit in at school. I see how all of those things can make a person act and think the way he did. His behavior was outlandish but I don't think he had any mental illness, just the natural response to severe early childhood abuse.
Anybody have any opinions on G. G. Allin?
A WARNING: If you haven't heard of him or listened to his music and want to look him up, he is intentionally offensive. He is also very masochistic, which can be painful to watch (literally beating himself up and doing other very self-destructive things). You might not like what you see if you try to learn more about him.
By the way, please don't post any pictures if you are a fan. They are too disturbing.
12 Jan 2014, 8:30 am
