The Case Of The Missing Funds (Really need opinions)

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I'm going to try and submit this to Highlights for Kids so honest opinions are necessary.





The Case Of The Missing Funds


The kids in Joyce Valley Elementary schools 5th grade class waited for Ms. Ramler to return from her office to tally the funds. I was one of them. We collected money for homeless children for Christmas. I was one of the kids to go out and collect on the outside. She returned with a scared look on her.
“Kids the money is gone”! Everyone including myself gasped at the announcement. She went on looking like she would cry. “I left in the office in the blue dolphin bag and it was gone”. A tear fell. “Someone may have stolen it” I went up to comfort Ms. Ramler. Something told me that it was an inside job that someone on the team might have done this. I had to find out, catch the thief, and get back all the money. It was up to me Misty Stonagle to solve.
After pulling Ms. Ramler aside in her office I told her my theory. “You’re on the right track Misty but we have to find proof”. I looked around carefully and I noticed something in the hinge of the door. I picked it out and it was a clothing label with the letters TB on it from a brand called StreetZwear. “Looks like someone was in a rush to leave and got hung on the door”. I said.
“This must be initials and someone that wears a StreetZwear brand type of clothing”. I said. “So let me see who has those initials that we know”. Ms. Ramler said as she got the class roster out. “There are two students with those initials Tammy Brass and Tyson Barker”. “So we have to look at them as suspects”. I said with confidence.
We headed back to the room and decided to investigate. “Alright kids”! Ms.Ramler said seriously. “We need to find that money because that belongs to needy homeless children and this is a serious matter”. “It was in the office this morning so since you guys are the only ones here everyone is going to be searched for the money.” “I want to start with 2 of you with the initials TB”. “The reason being is this”! I held the tag label. “I found this in the door and I believe it could belong to one of you” I said.
“Now come on why would I take from them” Tammy said. “Don’t worry this is to rule you out as a suspect”. I said trying to calm her down. Tyson said nothing.
“Ok now if anyone took it and admits it now you will avoid sever consequences”. Everyone was quite for a moment. “Now really who the heck would want to steal $3,027”. Tyson’s best friend Titus Rader suddenly blurted out. “Who cares if it’s gone its gone”?
“Hold up” I said. “If that’s what you think then why did you help collect it and run some of the events”. “Hey I just thought it be fun to get to do something besides sit around in class all day”. Ms.Ramler interjected. “Titus! That’s for homeless kids and it was something to do to help another”. “Some have it some don’t and that coat label could have come from anywhere” Tyson butted in.
Ms.Ramler and I looked at one another with the same “how could they look”. “Wow what jerks” Natasha said. “They don’t even care” Said Terrace. Then I had a brainstorm. “Titus! How do you know how much money we collected if we haven’t even told anyone the total yet”? “Well….uh…” He stammered. “Tyson! How would you know that it was a coat”? He looked nervous. The kids and Ms.Ramler looked on amazed.
“Only the thief would know how much money there was and owner of that label would know these things”. “You can’t prove anything”. Tyson said. “Yeah you got nothing” Titus said. “It sounds like the two of you are in on something”. I said. They looked at each other nervously. “Misty is right something smells rotten and it’s coming from you”. Said Tammy. Ms. Ramler went over and got there book bags while they were distracted to search them. I took the label from my front shirt pocket. “Ok now this label has the letters TB on it and Tyson Barker these are your initials aren’t they”? “Yeah but that don’t mean nothing”. He snapped defensively.
Ms.Ramler nodded at me to keep going while she looked. “Your coat has the name StreetZwear on it which is your coat brand”. I walked over and grabbed his coat. I searched and found where the label was ripped off and it fit the rip pattern. “See it fits right in” I said. “Explain this Titus” Ms.Ramler said holding up the blue zip pouch with dolphins on it. The class gasped.
Tyson and Titus looked at each other not knowing what to do with a look that said guilty. “This was in your possession Titus so you must have taken it with help from Tyson”. They had no way out of this one. “So what we worked our butts off and didn’t even get a cut of the deal” Titus said. “Yeah it was nothing but a rip off”. Said Tyson.
“You don’t do that with money to be given to others that are less fortunate you two have homes and these poor kids have just about nothing”. Ms. Ramler explained. “That’s what it’s for you give and expect nothing in return to help others because it’s the right thing to do”. “Now for this you are going to have to go to the office and face thief and conspiracy charges”
Principal Bray came and took them out. While the kids clapped and cheered. “Thank you very much Misty you really are the one that figured this out”. Ms.Ramler said. Many other kids complimented me at once. “It was nothing guys the important thing is that some homeless kids are going to have a great Christmas”. I said happily.

The money was used to buy gifts and supplies for the children and they were so happy and thankful. "It couldn't have happened without Misty here" Ms.Ramler said putting an arm around me. I couldn't help but smile as the kids dug into there new things and celebrated in pure joy.

In the end Titus and Tyson now have to do 6 months of community service and are on probation for a year.

Case Closed

my fingers get itchy wanting to proofread the grammar and punctuation. . . .

Merle

Shadowgirl, I voted "maybe." I'm assuming that you have read many issues of Highlights so you know what types of things they print. I haven't, so I don't know if the subject is something that would interest them or not. One suggestion I would make is to try rewriting it to cut down on the amount of dialogue. What I see in this is what people call "talking heads." Readers, especially kids, tend to lose interest quickly when the scene is about a bunch of people standing around talking to each other. Also, the mystery was solved too easily. You need to make your main characters sweat more before they figure out the solution. Of course, that would make it a longer story. And we need to know more about Misty. Is she a chipper perennial do-gooder? Or a bratty class clown who wins the teacher's gratitude by solving the mystery?