If you believe you are very low status material...

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Wolfheart
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20 Jun 2012, 2:14 am

Zinnel wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

Zinnel wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

Uprising wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

Define status material, I think people can easily exaggerate or distort their perceptions and views when it comes to negative self core beliefs.

Appearance, social skills, job, independence, popularity...

They can be improved but you have to make a concious effort, you can either sit around, blaming your problems on women and circumstances or you can take control and work on improving yourself and your situation.

Yeah but sometimes life doesn't always reward the work you do trying to improving your situation. Thats the case for one of my friends, he honestly has the worst bad luck I've ever seen anyone have. I also don't know too many people who blame their appearance, independence, and current job status on women...

I suppose so but it's better to remain optimistic as opposed to having a self-defeatist attitude or one that seems bitter, women can sense when a man is bitter or jaded and it doesn't leave a good impression in any scenario. I don't think failing persistence is the key, I think if there is an error, you need to make an observation and realize what you need to change, maybe you could point that out to your friend.

Hahaha, if I did I would be preachin to the preacher. My friend is turning 31 this july, and he has always been trying to make positive changes in his life sense he was 20. And most his friends see that theres nothing wrong with him and that some would even say hes even remodel. But when it comes to life he just has alot of bad luck, job accidents are blamed on him when its not even the field he works in, the last date he went on with a women dumped him because the restaurant they went to gave everyone food poisoning. Even in just flirting he has bad luck, he once made a sort of silly ice breaking knock-knock joke torwards a new girl on campus and she had a complete emotional break down right in front of us because it reminded her of her recently dead grampa some how. And now he has the reputation around college as "the mean guy who made that girl cry", then recently a girl turned him down on a date because of that very reputation.

If anything his life has taught me that even if you strive so hard trying to fix everything about yourself, bad things just happens and people just take things the wrong way sometimes. Believe it or not but maybe its better for people to not dwell so hard on what they need to fix about themselves, still make changes of course but don't think that those changes will automaticly result in better chances at dating and such. If you dwell that much on what needs to be changed you will end up a bitter and jaded person anyway. I think people need to focus more on just learning who they are as a person, and enjoying that and stop thinking that there is someone to fault for all the bad stuff in life, that includes thinking that every dating set back is your own fault.

Of course, circumstances aren't always dependent on the individual and that's what Cognitive behavioural therapy teaches as well. It teaches you to show more empathy towards the situation, to realize that you aren't completely responsible for everything and helps to relieve that blame or burden. However if you have a self defeatist or an over reactive attitude which can be common on here, it can really make a person feel like every dating setback is their fault and that's a recipe for disaster or a quick burn out, we really need to break away from those types of attitudes and start to focus on the positivity.

I'm glad you do use the word setback as there's no such thing as failure, only setbacks which make us question and challenge ourselves to be better but I think you're right, being obsessive and over analysing can be unhealthy but it is a common trait for those on the spectrum.

TM
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20 Jun 2012, 9:51 am

Wolfheart wrote:

Zinnel wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

Zinnel wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

Uprising wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

Define status material, I think people can easily exaggerate or distort their perceptions and views when it comes to negative self core beliefs.

Appearance, social skills, job, independence, popularity...

To be honest, I think his friend needs to embrace his reputation, there is something utterly liberating about not giving a s**t about what people think.

Taybot97
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20 Jun 2012, 8:39 pm

Not once have I been called attractive by someone who isn't compelled to lie (ie family). I haven't even had a past girlfriend call my attractive (atleast they never said I wasn't). I don't find my self attractive. Conclusion, I'm not attractive.

MXH
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20 Jun 2012, 9:42 pm

Taybot97 wrote:

similar thing here. Minus the girlfriend bit.

bizboy1
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20 Jun 2012, 9:51 pm

I've had many girls tell me that I'm good looking, even guys. My family says I look much better now that I've gained weight (due to medication). My mom told me that I'm average looking but she says I look handsome now that I've gained weight, although I consider myself, somewhat, overweight. But then again I was really skinny before. But I never had a girlfriend and I don't consider myself dating material. So, yes, I consider myself very low status material.

But I can't tell if I'm good looking or not. I think I'm average looking. I bet I could get a girlfriend if I had more confidence. I'm not that social and it's very hard for me. It seems you guys are way more advanced than me (or you care more) because you seem to have a lot more experience than me. I've never been on a date or anything.

bizboy1
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20 Jun 2012, 10:05 pm

Kurgan wrote:

I'd rather hear the truth even if it's painful. Lying to someone when they clearly want the truth, is similar to when parents tell their kids that "Derp the rabbit went to live on a farm where he can play all day long with the other animals", when he was actually run over by a car.

No girl has ever called me ugly, but I've been called weird a lot.

Ya, I never been told I was ugly but in middle school I was told I was fat.

I'd rather hear the truth too! Apparently NT's don't like the truth. They get pissed off at me.

bizboy1
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20 Jun 2012, 10:08 pm

HisDivineMajesty wrote:

I've literally been told "not even a blind, mentally ret*d girl would find you attractive." out of the blue, when I was talking about something completely different.
How's that for people telling it to my face? In fact, the woman who said that is one I still respect six years later - I know the rest of them think that, but don't say so.

Maybe she was joking. I mean it's definitely an exaggeration.

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20 Jun 2012, 10:25 pm

Cloudlet wrote:

I definitely was a low grade material in my worst adolescent years. Appearance, self-awareness, and specially most of all awareness of others and what makes them tick, that was really bad. (not that I really tried my luck with girls too much) If somebody told me the truth, I would not see it. Which was many times, mostly from the side of my classmates who usually meant it well, in a less or more crude way.

Broadening my awareness took years, it was painful and even more painful was to deal with that newly discovered imperfection. We need to invent some relatively favorable fairy tale about ourselves, because we can't function when we see what we really are and totally hate it. Well, and let's say that to find out that this fairy tale is a big lie, this is quite a shock. I underwent some big changes of personal style and appearance... Even though before I was in many fights to preserve it.
I believe I conquered almost a half of my Asperger's syndrome, most of the half that can be conquered alone. I mean the unawareness and unawareness of the unawareness.

Now, I don't really know what kind of material I am. Better than before, I can make a small talk with girls. I don't look like something that crawled from under a rock in a park next to MIT campus. (unless it's early morning) But I struggle with the pointlessness of dealing with people with vastly different interests. I am afraid of boredom. They bore me, I bore them, do I? The only thing I'm sure we have in common are deep and serious topics.
I know I need to relocate to a bigger city and be on a university with smart girls. I'm probably not made for girls who study gastronomy (cooking) or hotel management.

Wow this post really means a lot to me. I definitely never noticed my asperger's until I was diagnosed early this year. I smoked a lot of marijuana (possibly laced) and had psychotic symptoms. Now my asperger's is a lot more noticeable and I'm currently on medication. I definitely agree on the self-awareness part. I see things much more differently now. I now definitely see the asperger's traits and difficulties that come with it. I feel like I was so ignorant all this time. Everything you've said is true. It really sucks sometimes. I also hate small talk with people, including family. And I definitely agree with the boredom thing. I'm so bored right now and the only thing that is keeping me happy is studying my interest (math). It is the only thing that doesn't bore me, besides going on the internet. The college atmosphere is great, especially here in Berkeley. I live in socal, near orange county and there are so many dumb people here. I'm not sure if I want to live near a college community like Berkeley or live in the middle of the desert away from most humans.

Aspie_Chav
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21 Jun 2012, 1:14 am

I lived in a capitalist country where kept more of my hard work, I would be more high status.
The only way out is to try to bee cool. Its a good thing I am black and good with my fists.

DrDiva
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22 Jun 2012, 1:40 am

Wolfheart, I, too am a Wolf. And I think I love you. LOL!
NT girls are not all dismissive of Aspies, we just have to learn about you and meet you somewhere in the middle.
My Aspie bf today, when he saw the latest box of hair color I had purchased said:"Why don't you let nature win. It always does eventually". Mind you, I am not one who needs to be told how young and beautiful I am every day, but he is 11 years younger than me, and an NT man would know MUCH MUCH better than to say this to his older hot lady. The irony is, HE has silver hair at 31.
But I am used to his bluntness and I changed the subject after getting only slightly annoyed. Someone who comes along that is willing to put in the effort will not see you as low status...

By the way, almost all you guys on here are freaking gorgeous. Get a clue! There are lots of us who would love an honest, sweet, kind person who really tries. My Aspie doesn't make very much money, he only has two years of college, he still gets help financially from his Dad, he probably depends on me too much, definitely what a lot of people would consider "low status". But I don't feel that way. He is highly intelligent, curious, does all the things to take very good care of himself and doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. He is funny as hell and tries to make me laugh every day. He tells me when something bothers him and we are constantly working on our communication. I make a lot more money than him and I have a PhD, but I give his opinion equal credence with mine and I try not to look at him like he's something I own. He has issues with space and touch, and I know we will never have the truly intimate relationship I want, but still he is there for me and we love each other. It is definitely not easy, but it is a relationship full of rewards that they don't talk about in the movies. I get to live with my best friend. We have each other's backs. We work side by side every day in the complementary businesses that we own that operate out of our home. We have some great arguments that last for weeks about all variety of subjects. He is not intimidated by me, which, unfortunately, I find most NT men to be. Even though I don't see us being together forever because of his space and touch issues, I am so glad for the time we have together, as long as it lasts.

darkfoxkyoko
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22 Jun 2012, 1:54 am

Because the sum total of my elemental components can be bought on a child's allowance.

Kjas
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22 Jun 2012, 2:02 am

Wolfheart wrote:

That's closed minded and condescending of them. Some women wear make up as a means to cover insecurities they have about their own complexion or skin, they may feel threatened by the fact that you wear less make up, personally I think it's more attractive for a woman to be natural.

I have never heard of dance being labelled in a derogative way either and I don't understand why anyone would call you a name for showing interest in that.

In any case, they were probably just looking for any reason to make you the victim or bully you into a situation that made you feel uncomfortable, I don't think you should take it personally. There are many guys including myself that like girls that don't mind getting their hands dirty or being able to do something practical so I can't see how that could be a negative thing. I'd rather have a wolf over a wallflower any day of the week.

In my case, dance was being labeled in a derogative way because it genre or style that wasn't widely socially acceptable here. They never had a problem with ballet (which is socially acceptable), it was street styles, especially partnered (cuban style salsa etc) - actually having to dance with a guy, that would result in those remarks.

I take it you like wolves from your username. :lol:

I'm not a total tomboy or anything but perhaps it comes across as tough or a bit that way at first, I'm actually a total softie once you get to know me. I'm very feminine at least a good 50% of the time in regard to the rest of my interests, in fact the way I dress (which is quite feminine in comparison to what is popular here) is one of the things they pick on.

I'm over it now, and I don't take it personally anymore, it was just one of those things I had to figure out myself - None of the girls who did those things who said those things ever managed to have a successful relationship, and I think that speaks for itself! :lol:

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Wolfheart
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22 Jun 2012, 3:04 am

Kjas wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

I'm surprised as salsa and cuban styles are widely accepted here and they are very popular, many people attend salsa classes when they are held at a bar, I have even met a person from South America that teaches it. I guess the UK is more liberal and open minded compared to other countries, at least that's what I have heard Americans and Australians say.

Yes, I love wolves, I like huskies too. I'd like to breed them at some point in the future, I think I'll need a large garden first. If I had enough money, I'd probably start my own nature reserve with a forest retreat.

Oh right, hmm 50% feminine, so a mix between Taylor Swift feminine and Ellen Page that works on cars and likes male orientated interests? Sounds good to me

In any case, I think it's wrong when people stereotype or assume that a person must be a certain gender to participate in a particular activity or interest.

Wolfheart
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22 Jun 2012, 3:16 am

DrDiva wrote:

Well it sounds like a very positive relationship and you seem like a very understanding and patient person, It's good that you were able to look past things such as academic and financial achievement and love him for who he is as a person. I think that's rare and it sounds like you have a very genuine and honest relationship. Everyone on the spectrum is an individual and there are always going to be positives and negatives when it comes to dating someone on the spectrum, I guess you need to weight it up for yourself and decide if the positives to outweigh the negatives in terms of compatibility.

FMX
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23 Jun 2012, 6:51 am

Kjas wrote:

Various things they have said:

- no guy wants a girl that messes around with bikes or cars, it's not feminine (ditto for science, computers and other primarily male oriented fields of interest)
- no guy will want you if you don't wear make up (usually I wear eyeliner & chapstick only) or don't straighten your hair
- no guy wants to hear or discuss anything about history or politics with a woman, just keep your mouth shut
- various assortments of comments about the way I dress and how much men will hate it
- regarding my interest in dance: if you like dance, they will think you are a slut etc

Yeah. I won't go into the rest. The list goes on and on. :lol:

Wow. There must be heaps of guys right here (and I'm sure elsewhere as well) who would like every one of those things! (Well, except the one about the way you dress, which is too vague to evaluate.)

HisDivineMajesty wrote:

I've literally been told "not even a blind, mentally ret*d girl would find you attractive." out of the blue, when I was talking about something completely different.

Well, if the girl was blind then clearly your looks wouldn't be a reason for her to not like you. Seriously, I'm pretty sure a sighted girl wouldn't have a problem with your looks either. I'm not a woman, but to me, you seem well above-average in the looks department. So whatever her reasons were for saying this I don't think it was looks.

Personally, I have no idea what "status material" I am. Theoretically I don't think I'm "low status material", but it never ceases to amaze me just what some women seem to go for, so who knows...

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