My anxiety issues and his non-communication

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Hey,

I'm having a really tough time at the moment in my relationship. i'll give you a backstory:

I'm NT, he is aspie and inattentive ADD.

We were introduced to each other through a mutual friend Feb 2011 and started dating April 2011. He had already planned to study abroad in the US for a year and so we had a great time seeing each other most weekends until he left in Aug 2011. I was his longest relationship at that point- he has no problem meeting and dating girls but he would get 'bored' quickly and move on.

Whilst he was away, we decided to not see each other- he did not feel he could be in a monogamous relationship for a year. I was really upset by this because I felt strongly for him but it was his decision. We both started dating other people throughout the year but kept coming back to each other and realised that we did want to be together eventually.

He is back home now and we're seeing each other again.

I am the sort of person who loves to keep in contact with people. If i'm dating someone, whenever I think of them, I will text them, or email them etc- not constantly, but a few times a day. This is where we have major incompatibility.

My biggest issue is online communication when we're not together (we live separately). I can count on one hand the number of times he has initiated communication with me in the last year and a bit (phone call/email/IM etc) He will be online and talk to me via IM and leave halfway through a conversation (eg: ask me a question, i reply... he does not continue to talk at all)
I understand that he has ADD, gets distracted easily but it really triggers my frustration! I have asked him to tell me that if he is busy and can't talk, to tell me that but he told me it was 'too much effort' to remember.

Friday just gone we had an argument that has made me feel pretty rubbish. I'm not feeling well right now (taking new meds for anxiety and getting bad side effects) and I told him I needed to talk to him, can we skype etc, I was feeling horrible, needed some comfort etc and nothing.. no reply (we had not talked for 3 days before this)

I do admit that I got mad after about half an hour and had an outburst where I said "I'm going to leave it up to you to massage me from now on, I'm still finding it incredibly frustrating trying to communicate with you when we're not face to face!"

I regret having that outburst. I was feeling ill, and upset. i know it's not good communication to shout at someone like that.

so.... yesterday I messaged him saying sorry for shouting, please can we talk and he said this:

Him: Honestly? You pitch a hissy fit at me for no goddamn reason- for not responding as attentively and alertly as you'd like to your messages over AIM at 4 in the f*****g morning (untrue- it was 11:30PM and we were both online) and then say you're not going to contact me any more.
Him: And I think "great, we've spent a lot of time together recently, I could use some space" and you clamour for my attention. All because we didn't talk for a four hour period.
Me: You didn't tell me you needed space. I get frustrated because you don't respond and tell me you what you need.
Him: I need you to leave me alone.

I am feeling horrible now. It's really triggered my anxiety when i'm not feeling good anyway. I don't know how to continue this. I want to talk it out rationally but now I feel i've been blocked off and any attempt to contact him will make him more mad at me. He did not tell me at any time before this that he needed space. I really like having 'rules' and boundaries, it makes me feel good. If he had told me he needed space for a specified period, I would have respected that and felt much less anxious.

I understand his frustration at me getting mad at him, but I have explained to him that it's a build up of 'no contact' from him. My anxiety is If I don't contact him... he will never contact me back and I hate the uncertainness of that, the feeling that I'm not wanted or thought about.

I know this is also my issue to work on- self esteem and abandonment issues, along with anxiety.

Please help.

I have similar issues. I must say, it is a major deciding factor in me sticking around.

Good luck. I know it's tough to walk away because you think he wont care or wont fee an ounce of sadness. Your sanity first. Do what you need to do to protect that, to feel good about yourself and find the courage to make the right decision.

i have been dealing with this on and off for 4 years. maybe we can all chat somewhere online about this issue? skype conference?

At the moment I'm trying to keep myself distracted and talk to friends, go out for walks etc.

I understand that everyone does need their own space, but the way it was said makes me feel sad and upset.
He is generally very blunt when speaking which is normally ok, but when i'm feeling bad anyway, I can't cope with it.

How should I proceed?

I'm going be blunt here & say that I don't think you two are compatible. He demands a lot more space than what most people including you require form their partners. Him going offline in the middle of a chat session is not because of ADD; it's because he's an inconsiderate jerk; me & lots of other Aspie guys here have ADD & lots of us would never bail on our partners like that; we'd at least have the curtsey to send them a quick message 1st. Your relationship with him is one-sided. You deserve someone who like communicating with you & cares that you were feeling bad instead of getting mad at you for messaging them when you haven't communicated for 3days

oh...i meant "live" chat like AOL IM or skype. LOL.

In the past, my friend would just vanish for a week or two and return no communication. Now, he is better at giving me warnings such as "I need space for 3 days." I haven't given up on him completely YET because I see that he is trying (most of the time) to be more upfront and prepare me for shut-outs. Still, shut outs are not long term sustainable for me and I don't know how much longer (weeks, months) I am willing to be in such a close relationship with someone who gets pissy when I admit to missing him or feeling unhappy/insecure when he doesn't talk to me for a week. We are definitely NOT compatible (except sexually, lol) but i can't imagine any NT woman would be compatible with a guy like him who requires so much downtime unless she had another primary romantic/emotional relationship.

Thanks for the responses guys

We've had a talk, he tells me he is sorry for making me feel anxious - he didn't think his words were harsh at all he was just stating what he needed.

I know this isn't correct- his words did hurt me, and I feel he should recognise this.

I'm going to wait until I see him in the next week or so and then we're probably gonna break up.

This is really tough for me. I love him but i've been in enough relationships already where I didn't get my needs met and put the guy first.

Skakitty- Sorry about your potential breakup. I've been on/off for 4 years with my friend and it's been torture. Choose a partner who can be an equal.