Saying "No" To Dates...

Post Reply New Topic

it sounds like you're maybe conflating being upfront and honest about what you with being rude.

it's not rude to tell a guy who's asking you out that you're just not interested.

lol i was waiting for that

being pretty and looking in their direction is 'interest' as far as many men are concerned!

I often get the converse ie looks of 'how dare someone who looks like you even dare to look in my direction!'

So obviously you can extrapolate from this that if some men are this unpleasant to a woman they don't find attractive (who made the unforgivable error of being in the same vicinity as them), they are going to be the polar opposite to a woman they do find sufficiently agreeable in looks and will often be OTT about it - this type of man will anyway - I've seen it with my own eyes many times - as persistent with the 'pretty-enough' women as they are nasty to the ones who aren't.

This type have to have the prettiest woman to impress all their mates, just like a fast car. It's 'girlfriend as status symbol' and this type of man will do pretty much anything to get the woman who will give him high status by association.

So if I were you I'd feel flattered but also a little bit afraid!

You don't have to be rude. I've gotten yells from across department stores "Hey pretty lady," I just kinda act oblivious and move on to the next aisle. Once I was approached in a parking lot and said I was too busy for a relationship at the moment. You don't have to lie either. Saying your seeing someone is technically true since you see all types of people you just maybe haven't made up your mind on which one. If that doesn't work just launch into a monologue about an interest that seems to scare them off every time.

Last edited by curlyfry on 20 Feb 2013, 8:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Why are you so worried about her safety though? The OP is a ninja girl .

I'm just scared some poor innocent pervert is gonna give her the wrong idea and take a shuriken to the face.

s**t, can you blame guys for being all over her, those socks with the individual big toes are effin' sexy.

Lots of great feedback from you all, thanks!! I'll give some of it a go, I really like the "I'm too busy for a relationship right now" bit. I'm a terrible liar so saying I have a boyfriend or I'm "flattered" would be a bit much.

Keep the advice coming...

I'm glad I joined this online community, I have all sorts of issues NTs can't help me with (except my psychologist, but I'm paying by the hour there).

LOL but saying "I'm too busy for a relationship" might warrant him to say "who said anything about a relationship? I was only asking you out for a coffee?".

I know I am dissecting, but it's imo best to just stick to the answer without getting too personal.

I wouldn't have that problem anyway. I have never been approached like that, and even if I was I wouldn't know because I always wear my headphones listening to music.

That's true...hmmm...wearing headphones is actually a great idea!

Actually this has happened to me but it was when I was still at secondary school in the lower sixth form I think and my response will make you laugh given the advice I've been giving!

I was walking home and this slightly older lad on a bicycle rode up alongside me and started talking to me in a friendly manner. I felt a bit awkward as it wasn't something I was used to and because I was very shy and just didn't talk much at all in those days.

He ended up asking to see me and arranging to come over to my house and I took the path of least resistance as I'd never had a boyfriend and was flattered by the attention even if I did also think he was acting in a very strange way in speaking to me like this. It seemed far too forward and just 'odd'.

He came over to my parents house either on that day or some other day and the whole thing was really awkward - I didn't know what to say as I just wasn't a talker in those days and his manner just seemed odd. Pleasant but odd and it made me feel very uneasy. He rang me up on another day and I said I couldn't see him again as I was having to study for my exams. I think my Mum had given me this line to say as when I'd said I didn't know what to do I think she said she wasn't keen on him or something like that.

Part of me thought why on earth did I do that?! - he could have been my only chance ever of finding a boyfriend but the unease he caused me overrode this. He wasn't aggressive or anything, there was just this manner he had that put me off and made me think he possibly wasn't all there in some way but it was more subtle than overt.

Ironically I'm also a person not 'all there' so perhaps he was another aspie, who knows?

Well women are hardly asking guys out, so how exactly are guys allowed to ask?

If they are doing it as a dare, Tiff, you are better off learning a fake number to give them, at least that way you won't embarrass them in front of their mates.

Nessa is right, most men would see that as a challenge to persist, some people don't get that no means no and it depends how much they had to get their confidence levels up to do the approach.

Well, how about dropping "flattered" and stick with a non-hostile, "thanks, but no thanks."

(Assuming, of course, the asker was not being rude or aggressive...)

Exactly.

There are just some girls that I'm simply not attracted to. Out of a group of girls, there might be one or two where there is mutual attraction.

There's no reason to lie. Just be honest.

When a guy approaches you and asks you out, he has just taken a great risk to having his ego battered. He must think that the possibility of you saying yes is worth the risk. If you don't want to go out with him, you can let him down respectfully. That doesn't mean lying and telling him you're flattered if you're not. That doesn't mean making up an imaginary boyfriend or any other reason. But it also doesn't mean just walking away, which is really quite rude and hurtful.

Your response should always be direct, but you should show them the same level of respect they show you. If he is being nice, you can say "that's nice of you, but I'm not interested." That should leave no room for confusion.

Some guys will persist because they don't respect your wishes, but some will persist because they accept that their immediate date invitation was over your line and hope that you are comfortable interacting with them and getting to know them in a less committed manner (ie by having a friendly chat with you right there). So, he may not be respectful of your wishes but not necessarily.

So, If the guy persists, or is aggressive from the beginning then you owe him no niceties. I don't think antagonizing him is ever a good idea, so perhaps something like "I already told you I'm not interested" or even just "no" and then walking away without engaging him any more should make it very clear that you not only do not want to date him but also are not open to any further contact.

If he follows you and pushes the issue still, or is overly aggressive from the beginning (touching you, getting very physically close, etc) then he is showing that he does not respect boundaries and is thus identifying himself as potentially dangerous and you should probably immediately seek a friend, store manager, security guard, etc without even bothering to speak with him.