Kissing "goodnight" at the end of the first date

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I knew what you meant, by the way. I was just being obtuse.

We also have Mates' condoms. Kerazy.

Used one? Is that for anal sex or just general use? See how much I know about these things?

It's for prison use, mate.

I think we're agreed that it would be a bit of a stretcher to call the ceilidh thing a date. You showed interest in her by listening to her and by inviting her to the ceilidh. I'd probably have done something very similar myself.

I'd be the same. I'd be scared at the strength of my feelings for her, so much so that I'd be embarrassed at showing her I was interested at all. Oh, to be able to read her mind at such a time! But would I want her to read my mind? NO WAY!!

I don't know if I really crush or not these days. When partnerless I can still get very intense feelings if I make friends with a woman, if I've been feeling lonely and desperate. But those feelings don't rule me like they used to. I guess I just learned to keep my head, and not to worry too much about one person. And I'm aware of the concept of narcissistic needs. A crush is a hallucination. My strong feelings aren't about her, they're about my loneliness. All I want to know is, does she want me or not, when all I need to know is, do I want her FOR WHO SHE IS or not. I can't know that until I've really looked at her.


She might not be open to it.....she might still be getting over a split and just not feel emotionally ready. She might be too busy for a relationship. She might not be impressed with the chemistry so far. She might be interested in another guy already, and wanting to wait and see how that goes. But what she can never tell you is that she's absolutely open or absolutely closed to the idea of a relationship with you.

Unless she's got a crush on you, in which case all I have to say is that I hope you don't take as long as I did to realise that a lady having a crush on me wasn't a Good Thing. Problem with crushes, I reckon, is that if I accept them, although I get a relationship (something I've really pined and longed for) without having to use any bravery, clear thinking or hard work, the other person has taken me on without testing me, without looking at my faults, and when she finally discovers them, they're going to be MUCH harder to work through, because she's involved up to her ears by then.


Yes you can, if you fight the crush feelings and don't let them paralyse you. Surely there is no disgrace in making it known that you like somebody? You can't be certain the romantic interest is there unless you do something to test it. Even if all you dare do is observe. Even that is giving her attention, which she'll notice at take as some kind of liking, if it's reasonably light-touch and friendly. I mean don't tell her that you love her - when I've had crushes I've felt that I did love them, but like I say, I was hallucinating. I wouldn't say anything direct about my sexual feelings either (in fact I wouldn't pass more than the tiniest hint of that at such an early stage, being much more interested in getting the emotional intimacy right first, which seems the only practicable way forward to me, but it depends on the culture I guess). But short of that, you can divulge any real, wholesome, justifiable positive feeling you have about them. We all need to be genuinely validated, so if you've got anything honest and good to say about her, I'd consider telling her some of those things.

I wouldn't make plain my romantic feelings at such an early stage.....I think we often have them right from the start (though not always), but I think it's quite strongly written in the cultures I've seen that people hide that, and they don't usually like it if the idea is raised at all, if it's too early. But I couldn't help implying it.


Sure, that's why I put the word in quotes, because it's not quite the right word.

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That sounds pretty much like nature took its normal course. You were initially both interested, and put some energy into seeing each other again, but the ceilidh proved rather a distraction, and from the little you did get to find out about each other, neither of you felt particularly impressed. You collectively allowed the ceilidh to pull you apart....if you'd been collectively interested enough, you'd not have let that happen. But those traits you didn't like, were they dealbreakers for you, or might they have been negotiable?

I get your wish to have read her mind. One of the saddest things about the selection process is that we don't get to find out directly what put them off. She doesn't know you have issues with her personality, you don't know if she had any issues with yours.

It's probably good news that your crush didn't possess you for long. Crush is a good word for it......it's never exactly boring but it's never positive either, very much like being squashed by boulders, I imagine. I think it's characteristic of a crush that when it collapses, it feels for a while as if you hardly know what you saw in them, and they suddenly seem like a dead horse, but they aren't really that, there's no reason why you can't rebuild your admiration for them, and this time it's much more likely to be evidence-based and more sustainable.


She does sound like a long shot, yes, if it's very hard to contact her. But if she's so hard to get hold of, it means she's probably one busy lady, and the fact that she came to the ceilidh is perhaps more of a credit to you than you thought? It sounds to me as if you'd need to know more about her before writing her off, though if the practicalities of that are very difficult, you might be better off spending your time on somebody whose attention is easier to get. There might be on or two little things you could do, e.g. tell C that you wouldn't mind finding out a bit more about the lady..........now you're not besotted any more, like I say it's no problem that you wouldn't mind a date with her some time, no big thing but you might be interested and would like to find out more. You never know, C might be able to help you out, and meanwhile you can get on with your life and maybe one day C will tell you something to your advantage. So put a small bet on the outsider and move on.

Well, you're right about my assumption, though I have to fight some very strong feelings to hang onto it - feelings rather like yours......I've never really known that anybody fancied me before they'd proved it. I assume nothing about a new female friend, only that human biology gives the situation some potential.....I've made some bad mistakes from not seeing that potential, low self-esteem has often convinced me that she only sees me as a platonic friend, so I've not seen the danger, and relationships have started prematurely, before I'd really sussed out who we were, with each other........it always felt so immodest for me to tell myself, "I think she really fancies me." So I was free to become the best platonic friend I could be to them, which I don't think is possible after puberty. I hid behind their supposed sexual rejection of me, behind my own poor self-esteem. To this day an inner voice tells me that my mind and body are too ugly to attract anybody. The ones I've slept with somehow don't count there, they just inform me that I'm lousy at making relationships work anyway. The only saving grace is that I know it, so I can work on it.



I've heard of women starting relationships directly like that.....one had been hanging out with this guy, one of them then had to leave the city, and if it had been left to him, nothing would have been said. She took the lead and talked with him about her feelings for him. But it's never happened to me. I think it once nearly did, this girl came up and said "I want to talk to you about...." but when she saw I was with this guy we knew, she clammed up, and when I asked later what she'd wanted to say, she said it was nothing. Thinking back now, she gave me some mixed messages, which she'd never have done if she'd felt nothing.

But it's rare. From a highly gender-binary, sexist viewpoint, wait for a woman to pull you and you'll wait forever. The man makes the first move. If he can't do that, he's probably not strong enough to care for her children. Meekness is very often a big dealbreaker. Heck, some of them even play hard-to-get....actually sending false negative messages just to see how interested you are. I wish they'd stop it and act like men, but I can just about grasp how for confident guys that could be enormous fun. Luckily we all calm down as we age, and priorities change, but that primitive gender-role thing, although very awkward for many Aspie men, tends to be a fact of life.


But you don't know she's not interested without asking (directly or otherwise). I'm saying that you might do well to chase girls a little bit more than you do. Nothing radical, though I know how scary it can be to go out on a limb. You don't have to do it so avidly that they feel invaded and have to insult you to shake you off. Dates feel huge when you're not used to them, but they're only dates. There are lots of ways of making it relatively painless. You can ask "are you doing a lot this week?" and if they say yes, talk about what they're doing for a while, then if the talk has gone well, say "are you busy the week after?" They might say yes they are, and seem uncomfortable, so you back off, it's her call, but there's not much egg on your face, because hey, you just asked about her work and she answered you. She'll have a strong hint that you're interested, let her go and she might think it over and next time you see her she might seem warmer than before. But either way, nobody has risked much, though you will be sad if she's busy.


Ah, reading the signals, yes. If you can decypher the messages, you're pretty much reading their minds, yes. If you can make a special interest out of studying the body language etc. of the mating game, and manage to relate what the books say to the behaviour of people you meet in real life, you won't have to guess every time. You still never know - some people fake it as a confidence trick - an Aspie girl might seem aloof but simply not know how to reel you in with body language. I'm usually like Sherlock Holmes when I suspect I may have "clicked." There are always clues about what they're really feeling.


If a girl already has a sexual partner, I agree one can do a lot of harm, and I wish everybody would respect couples. It can be reassuring to feel that a girl is spoken for, or gay......give up all hope of a relationship, and there's no need for all that stress, and you can enjoy a friendly chat with them. Just don't let it get too intense, which shouldn't be a problem with the occasional conversation. It was only a year or two ago I discovered the concept of emotional fidelity, which cleared up a lot of my confusion.....there are guidelines out there about the appropriate distance for opposite-sex friends in a monogamous long-term relationship. If you know what they are, you'll be able to see the lines before you stumble over them and get shot by a jealous husband. It's good stuff to know when you've got a relationship too, because it helps you decide how to deal with your opposite-sex friends without scaring the wife, and it gave me an unexpected bonus - every instance of emotional infidelity on their lists is a sign of the degree of couple intimacy, so when I'm partnerless, I can use the lists to see how close we're getting, if I can't see. They are only guidelines, there are many cultural variants and aberrations with real people, but they're much better than darkness IMHO.

Hahaha I saw a couple of birds "mating" outside my window yesterday. "Birds" as in avians, just in case there's another nationality/slang difference there...which I suspect there is. It definitely wasn't platonic!

As for the OP, I dislike that kind of expectation of a kiss. I have some very uncomfortable memories of people trying to kiss me after a date. Usually, a hug is fine, as long as it's not a pervy kind of hug. I think it's important to remember that everyone has different comfort levels. I agree with the above post, not to let "crush feelings paralyze you" too.

Went on a date last weekend but didn't kiss her goodnight I never kiss on the first date.

* when I said "pervy hug", I meant when someone intentionally presses their pelvis on you when hugging. It's fine if it's consensual, but a date shouldn't be considered consent to any physical contact.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing the "rules." I don't think there are any besides being respectful.

A kiss can be OK when it's consensual, but sometimes trying to understand the consent is awkward. I had a guy ask me if he could kiss me once. I thought about it and said "no." Which was also awkward.

I ended up dating him later, and we stayed together for four years.

But I think it's a given that some dates are awkward.

Hi there, I am just dropping by. As for me, I don´t honestly know what to expect at the end of the first date. Shall I make the move and kiss the guy first? Will he make the move? Am I too attractive for him in order for him making the first move? Does my breath smell nice? Will his breath smell (nice)? Will he ask me for my number? Will he mail me again? Didn´t I scare him away when I showed him my cosplay photos? Even the ones in the Michelle Pfeiffer´s Catwoman costume? Didn´t he find me too talkative? Or strange and boring? Or too fat? Will he be pissed off that I cannot kiss? (I definitelly WILL BE).

There are so many questions burning through my brain in that very moment, that I always get stupidly nervous and awkward. Men always sense it, and so 99 percent of them never kissed me, and if they did, then not on my mouth but my cheek (! - like if I was their sister). Only one kissed me on the first date, and it was beautiful and also a shock (quite pleasant one, to be honest), because I´ve been kissed by a guy only few times before in this manner. I get kissed by men all the time because they take me for a friend, but not as a potential lover. So I am even grateful. That pathetic I am. At least I don´t feel that bad.

But still, I don´t know what to expect in general. I feel very uncomfortable letting men kissing me because I have never had sex in my life. Thank God I am technically not a virgin (a minor surgery; the gyno must have gotten in somehow), and judging by standards and other people´s remarks, I am supposed to be quite pretty (but in my country it´s a standard, so I am average here). BUT I don´t know anything about dating. So I get pretty much confused at the beginning and the end of each date (supposedly when I´m seeing the same guy). To be honest, I feel like I am a child, or a Martian, or an idiot, that I don´t know anything about these unwritten dating rules. Everybody else probably knows about them, and I don´t. I am alway like: "What shall I do?" It´s very frustrating. I don´t know when to kiss, where I´m allowed to kiss (said in politically correct terms) and nothing abou the technique. And I am afraid that men will want sex with me after the third or sixth date, because everybody says that by then, I MUST have sex with the other person, otherwise he will lose all interest and think I am a stupid goose. And is it really necessary to give somebody a blowjob? Is it really that vital for a healthy (or even unhealthy) relationship? I always hear from my girl friends that no man will ever want to date me if I don´t force myself into it. But I don´t wanna do it. Under any circumstance! Am I that hopeless? Is there any chance for me?

Dating people puts me under a huge, huge stress.

OK, then what shall I expect on my first date? Shall I kiss him or should he kiss me? I had so many awkward dates and no one really told me what to do.

And on which date shall I kiss him? On our first date? And when it´s "good" to have sex? I think that this age (epoch) is pushing us too fast into a sexual intercourse, like e.g. on the third date (they even said it´s a rule which you MUST oblige), or can we date longer without getting things too awkward? What si the longest acceptable time of waiting for the first intercourse? Because I cannot imagine I´d jump into somebody´s bed, however sexy he would be, even if I haven´t made to emotionally attach myself to him.

Usually it's the guy who makes the move, as it is considered a mark of courage (which usually adds considerably to a man's sex appeal). However, if you're feeling the emotions and he seems interested, go ahead and make the first move, it might set you apart. I certainly wouldn't react negatively!



A light kiss on the lips is probably the best way to end a successful first date. Go for more if you're both feeling it, but I prefer a light kiss. I usually tell the girl "Next time, I'll give you an even better kiss." They seem to like it!



Precisely when you're comfortable with it. You're right about society pushing us toward quick sex (I've had lots of SE Asian girls comment about how fast us Westerners develop our relationships), but you'll never be happy forcing yourself to do something so intimate when you're not yet comfortable with it.

Usually if a kiss is warranted it will become obvious. If you end up holding hands on the date (or some other form of physical contact) that can be seen as an open invitation for a kiss goodnight. If it's still iffy for you. You should end it on a hug. If they still come back for a second date, that's a clear sign of interest. I've rarely had a second date that didn't evolve into some sort of heavy makeout/petting session if not full blown sex.

Thank you... that´s a great advice for somebody who has never had sex & is afraid if it´s not too late to give yourself over to somebody on the sixth date. Sarcasm, of course.

It's all about the individual person. I was just relating my experience as others have done.

HEHE. Did you say 'kissing?' In which case I will bypass this topic completely