lovely AS bf dating NT "emotional empath" gf--advi

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Dear all,

So I am an NT (from a family of aspies) woman in my 20s who has begun dating similarly aged mildly AS young man. He and I get along very well--we enjoy watching movies, hanging out, cooking, joking, and have great sexual chemistry. I find him very special and we genuinely have something good going there.

Here are "issues" or misunderstandings that have come up in the few months we've dated: he struggles with receiving affection unless he initiates it (as in, if I spontaneously give him a hug, he shudders), he does not like compliments (he says he does not understand them), and he does not feel comfortable with me initiating sex.

Coming from an aspie family, I am very very familiar with AS both from experience and from having read on it. I happen to be a very affectionate and emotionally effusive person, who just loves to shower others with affection and attention, not just partners but friends. I firmly believe in not judging and being very patient with others' quirks and particular habits.

With my bf, I am happy to listen to him about his interests and complaints, and to have our time be structured in a way most comfortable to him. However, I love being playful and, say, stroking his leg gently or giving a hug or whatnot. But he reacts with fear. And I understand that ASpies can feel smothered by affection...yet, can there be a happy medium where I can still express affection which I initiate (he initiates hand holding a lot, which is sweeet) and NOT smothering?
Are emotionally effusive people "too much" for an aspie? (I llove to laugh exuberantly and giggle, although I do my best to temper it down around my bf).

Any thoughts would be VERY appreciated.

Last edited by Baconessa on 18 Jul 2014, 11:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

Could you express yourself less physically? Maybe have a "snuggle zone" in certain areas where you both agree to physical expression?(such as relaxing together on a couch/bed). That way you're not coming at him unexpectedly, which brings up a fight or flight response.

That's a good idea regarding "affection zone." We have movie watching as that when he feels comfortable being caressed. So I will stick to that.

Yes, it's a sensory thing. Physical sensations will be heightened for him and his body doesn't know if you are attacking him or not. I'm not really sure how to solve this one, but I understand why you're feeling confused and hurt at something so seemingly innocent.

Have you talked to him about it this frankly?

I have actually been direct with my concerns, asking him what he would like. But his overall tendency is to "stick head in the sand" when faced with uncomfortable topics. I have managed to get him to admit that "hugs are weird" and that my wanting to stay in touch when apart (we see each other once a week because we live 1.5 hrs apart) is too much for him. He also said my spontaneously hugging/expressing affection (outside of sex) is "shocking" to him. He could not explain why it's shocking.
My impression is he is overwhelmed by spontaneous physical contact outside of "designated" times (sex and movie watching). He also is baffled by compliments (suchh as "I think you are awesome") and dislikes (quite a lot) being asked almost any questions. The last part could be because his NT mother and maybe/maybe not AS father are quite intrusive and overbearing and he detests anything reminding him of them.

When he *is* ok with affection, it is lovely. However, his need to always be in control is not healthy in my eyes. I am ok with "designated" affection times/zones, but would like him to be more accepting of my initative.

You're a woman after my own heart

And I happen to love bacon!

I don't believe in "designated affection areas." I think this is ludicrous. This reminds me of some kind of dystopia/1984 kind of thing. Affection, by its very nature, is spontaneous.

I'm not really a huggy-huggy guy, and I'm probably not affectionate enough, in general, to my wife--but I don't restrict her when she's affectionate with me (even though I'm not always the best recipient of affection). Instead, I "go with the flow."

That is lovely of you to say. Indeed, it is dystopian, ha, and I wonder what to do about it. He is lovely and I would like to find a middle ground.