Have Asperger's. don't want to date others with it

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I'm engaged to another Aspie and the relationship has been pretty effortless. It make's understanding the other person way easier.

Of course, all relationships rely on clear communication regardless of Neurological makeup.

My girlfriend's an Aspie & we accept each others quirks & both communicate directly. I'm not compatible with NTs because they aren't direct enough & they get upset with how direct I am.

Everyone has pros and cons whether you are an Aspie or an NT. My bf is an Aspie. I am an NT. I have PTSD and that makes things extremely difficult sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he is being selfish and sometimes he feels like I am being too emotional. The key to a successful relationship is finding someone that you can accept and love despite all of that. Finding someone you can express your fears and anxieties too and someone who is willing to do the same for you, and still be there the next day. Who can say what draws two people together. Who can say what type of person you will end up with? If you want to be with someone, try to be with them. If you want to be alone, leave people alone. Good luck. I hope you find love, because when you do, it is unlike anything you can imagine. And I was once a die hard, love is imaginary, type girl.

I appreciate everyone's opinions. In all fairness, I have met very few people of the opposite sex with autism and asperger's, at least that I knew had it. And of those I did meet, there was zero compatibility, period. Like Charli Devnet, an individual with Asperger's in the book Different...Not Less, I am drawn to unattainable people. What pisses me off is that, at least in my viewpoint, NT people have a choice as to whether or not they are attainable. Yes, animal instinct plays a significant part in chemistry, maybe even more so than social cues. But if a person is still uncomfortable around me, when I had expressed interest, they found out I have Asperger's through a mutual friend because they thought it would help, I have tried to help this person be educated on how to be a good friend with someone with Asperger's, and they're not changing their behavior. They're still nervous around me, cold, evasive. Not going into much more detail, but this person isn't exactly letting herself be a better person.

Sorry if this came across as selfish. This is just a consistent behavior others have displayed towards me.

My thoughts are be with whoever makes you happy. If that means one of your criteria is that they're NT, then so be it. Whatever floats your boat.

Myself, I've been quite turned off by some Aspie behaviour when they're a little further along the spectrum and could never see dating someone like that because we just wouldn't click well and I'd find a fair bit of their behaviour frustrating and annoying. (Just being brutally honest here.) However, I have had a major crush on a friend that I know full well is also on the spectrum and I'd be A-ok with dating someone like him. So, it entirely depends on the Aspie as to whether or not I'd could see myself with them or not.

Regardless, this thread is about what you're attracted to in a partner and if that means NT then so be it, go find yourself one you get on with and have some fun.

Mostly agree with what you said.

I tend to take a little care loving someone in spite of or despite some unique quality, be it endearing or annoying. I prefer loving someone because of those traits. Loving someone "despite" something focuses on a material or character flaw. It suggests that you are settling when perhaps you think you could do better. You end up with a "green grass" mentality that is going to negatively impact your attitude towards the other person. Keep that up long term and you'll end up miserable.

Sure, my mate and my children do things and say things that grate heavily on the few good nerves I have left. So I get annoyed/frustrated. Big deal. They wouldn't be who they are if they didn't do or say those things, and I wouldn't want them any other way!

Same applies when looking at AS/AS or AS/NT relationships. I've often said, and it bears repeating, that your choices or preferences are your business and it's wrong for anyone else to judge you for that. What worries me isn't so much that an aspie can't stand to be in an intimate LTR with another aspie. What worries me is why someone would do that. I don't mind admitting I have my own preferences for a lifelong mate, and while casual dating or meeting women has always been open in terms of body type, race, personality, socio-economic class, ability, etc., FOR ME love simply isn't enough (I can love anyone) for a LTR. I look at all of humanity as fundamentally flawed. We're all messed up. There is no "normal." There are only various levels relative to "average."

Given that we're all screwed up somehow, why view NTs as fundamentally different from aspies? In other words, why assume NTs aren't flawed just as we are? If you're avoiding aspies because of perceived character flaws, I'm concerned that by only dating NTs that you're not really going to do any better. The reason why is that once you get in a relationship, whatever flaws you're trying to avoid are just going to get amplified. You'll see or imagine things and your mind will blow them out of proportion. If that's the case, simply avoiding aspies won't help.

If you're the "basement-dweller" type and you need a fair amount of care, you're really just looking for another mom. That's pretty close to my own relationship, though disability plays a small role in it. We don't look at what I CAN'T do, but rather what I can. I take pretty good care of our kids. Mom is good at making the big bucks. Finding someone who doesn't mind, for instance, reversing conventional gender roles and pretty much is satisfied with coming home to a human teddy bear who keeps her warm at night and listens well is NOT EASY. Possible, but difficult. You have to give someone an incentive to stick around, so you better be good at keeping a pristine, neat, organized dwelling and have a hot supper on the stove every night as soon as she gets home from work. People don't stay where they are unloved, so if you want that kind of relationship you're going to WORK to keep it.

All that to say preferring NTs to aspies may not necessarily be the best answer. Maybe it IS. The only way that's going to work out is the same way any relationship works out: You're honest with yourself about what you want and why.

You can do whatever you want. Takes all kinds.

Just because you have certain traits you can’t or won’t change, you don’t need to tolerate them in a partner. Of course, not everyone can afford this attitude and still find a partner, but, if you do find one, it shows you are one of those who can.

How about you date a person with whom you get along well, regardless of their neurodiversity?

I've dated NT people and that didn't work out at all. I must add, that I didn't get my diagnosis until quite late in life, but that also means that I never gave the notion of someones neurodiversity or even someones "disorders" in general a thought. If I can get along with someone, I might date them.

Now; I've also dated one who was diagnosed (though therapists were a bit mixed on that) and I've dated someone who was most likely on the spectrum (yet that is in hindsight) and those were the longest relationships I've been in. 2.5 and 8.5 years respectively (opposed to NT's I've dated and didn't last a year). For some reason we had chemistry and that's fine... and accepting someones issues is perfectly fine as they accepted mine.

The thing I see with dating an NT, and perhaps especially an NT who knows little about AS; there's so much stuff NT's do (and I suppose some aspies do as well) that doesn't work for me. I'm sure I'd get in all kinds of arguments. These things are partially personal preference, but I see plenty of these things echo on aspieforums, which makes me wonder how much it's actually an AS related preference.

I'm browsing around datingsites now and I don't even bring up my AS, that's how much I just want to meet someone with whom I connect rather than exclude someone by dropping the notion of Asperger's and hoping they don't have some misinformed idea about what it's like.

I suppose in a relationship it's always about give or take and meeting in the middle; that has little to do with being on aspie or NT. Unless of course you're unable to deal with this, at which point I wonder if one should even be in a relationship to start with.

Besides; the assumption that an NT is normal and balances you out... I find that notion weird. I've met a lot of people who most likely aren't on the spectrum (I apparently have a thing to sniff them out; aspie-radar, lol) but they were nowhere normal and might very well be slightly unhinged, just in another way that had little do with neurodiversity but more with personal preference of their lifestyle and such. Wouldn't it be just as safe to say you're looking for a specific type of partner, as well as someone that preferably has less common AS related issues going on? To add to this all; not all aspies are alike and I'm talking from personal experience. Yes, I have my AS traits going on, but plenty of people don't suspect me, since their idea of someone on the autism spectrum seems to be quite different than what I come across as.

I would never judge someone based on some silly label, but if I do ever date someone with AS I expect them to at least attempt to over come the difficulties associated with AS. 2 people dating with AS isn't a lock by any stretch of the imagination to have positive results, anyone is capable of emotional manipulation, I've found some aspies are emotional manipulators and not even consciously aware of such. I expect whoever I made to have some level of communication skills and emotional intelligence. Having said that, it is just a label, I do judge someone for those 2 things and I've met aspies with better communication and emotional awareness than NTs, every person is different.

@OP: It's ok if you think you would do better with an NT. Intra-spectrum relationship successes vary by the level of functioning. There are a lot of pros and cons either way.

I am grappling with this issue myself.

Why is it wrong to judge them? Their preferences are based on judging other people.

Because you're asking them to change when they are perfectly fine the way they are. If you have an issue with people who make judgments based on whatever, then it's quite simple: Don't hang out with them, don't try to impress them, and don't expect anything from them.

I love everyone. I don't care about skin color. I'm a white guy and would be just fine going out with a black girl, or a Korean girl, or a Native American girl, or a Latina, etc… I'm a Christian, and I could go out with an atheist, a Wiccan, a Mormon, a Buddhist, etc. Where I would have trouble would be in a LTR. I'd be, like, "I've enjoyed being with you, but this relationship doesn't have a future. It's time to part ways." Why? I harbor no hatred to anyone based on skin color. It's entirely a genetic preference: I want my kids to look like me. I harbor no hatred to any other culture. I'm simply proud of my heritage, and the best way to pass that along to my kids is if my mate shares a similar heritage/culture. I harbor no hatred for anyone based on religion or philosophy. I simply don't want religion to become a source of conflict down the road. I'm going to be most compatible with someone who is already a Christian or at least comes from a Christian home or, if nothing else, is a seeker (had a lovely relationship with a U/U once, btw. Not meant to be, but had a lot of potential).

For me, whether that person is on the spectrum or not isn't all that relevant. I might be more or less compatible with some aspies than others. Ability isn't all that big a deal to me…I was in a LTR with a girl with albinism who was legally blind and receiving disability benefits. I didn't care. We broke up because we weren't the best match and I was leaning towards someone who was better for me. I like to think she's better off. I happen to be with an NT, though I wasn't consciously thinking omigosh I have to be with an NT or I'll just DIE.

But that's ME…not everyone else in the whole world.

If you know things aren't going to work out with another aspie, there's nothing wrong with preferring NTs. You're not saying aspies are horrible, gross people who need to be wiped off the face of the earth. You're just saying you have issues with being in a LTR with one. OK, fine…you're entitled to that. I don't see why we should condemn someone who has preferences for a LTR. Everyone has preferences. I think you're asking for trouble if you feel obligated to give everyone a chance. For SOME people, there are good reasons nobody will go out with them. I dated a girl through high school and half of college and had been her first bf. It hadn't occurred to me there might be a reason she didn't have a bf. "Looks don't matter, it's all about personality" my butt. Which personality? The horny one? The needy one? The affectionate one? Or the one where she's screaming at me in public and trashing me in front of her friends when I'm not around? The next step is "Well, personality doesn't really matter, it's who she is on the inside." Oh really? All I have to go on is how someone looks and acts. If someone is a perpetual b!tch around me and unreasonable and isn't even all that pretty, or even if she IS pretty, I don't think I should have to put up her. If your experience with aspies is consistently, overwhelmingly negative or there are other reasons for preferring NTs, I don't see why you can't just pursue NTs if you want to.

That's perfectly fair to say, people can date whoever they want. It's just incredibly unfair to write someone off as a potential partner because of some label, I know several aspies who can prove to be more beneficial to one's life than several neurotypicals I know. It should be about their own emotional intelligence and communication skills, not their label. Having said that, I respect that this only represents a small fraction of people on the spectrum. I've had 2 girlfriends diagnosed bipolar disorder and both made my life hell for a certain amount of time.. I'm never going to write someone off I may meet in the future as a potential partner should I find out they're diagnosed as such, either. Every person is different and every person can potentially be more or less mature than the next regardless of neurological impairment or difference.

It's really just my two cents, we're all welcome to judge someone however we wish, we're welcome to decline romantic encounters of any sort with someone based on any given reason, I recognize that - I just hope some people have a more open mind about such things.

I agrew with this.

Judging people and asking them to change are two different things. Also, judgment can be positive as well as negative.


...and judge them as well, if one wants to. Nothing you are saying has any apparent bearing on my question; you are just listing alternative actions, not responding to my question about why one shouldn't judge others' preferences.