note for married folks here...

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telling your spouse she looks tired * is an insult *.

I should tattoo this stuff on my arms, so I remember it.

It's never been for me . Maybe as you grow older it is, or it depends whether you sound critical or concerned.

Agreed, sorta. I mean, it's kind of pointless to tell your spouse that they look tired, unless they seriously need some sleep, and you know it. My guy used to ask me often, "Are you okay?" and occasionally "you look tired," until he understood that it's not sleepiness and I am okay. He's even given me the, "Have you been crying?" or on web cam (when we're away from each other), "Are you crying?" I mean, really, he knows what I'm like when I am crying. It is fairly insulting to hear him asking if I am.

Sorry for the rant, but I thought it was related. Hopefully you can work things out with your spouse, if that's the case.

Last edited by sketches on 13 Apr 2010, 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Not always an insult. " You look tired, ( because you are) let me give you a hand with that ...'

"How do I look?" ( After being in labor for five hours)

" Like [], but you're still beautiful "

I think people dislike it because being told it makes it truer.

Situation was, she got into the car, and she looked tired. I felt bad for her, so I said "honey, you look tired", and gave her an affectionate shoulder squeeze....I was trying to imply that I'm available for help, or to lend a listening ear.

Which is, apparently, not what I communicated. Ah well. over now. A small thing. But I've been married 10 years now. You'd think I'd be getting better at this.

Last edited by ProfessorAspie on 13 Apr 2010, 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Perhaps instead of trying to imply your willingness to help with vague signals (shoulder squeezes don't have a specific meaning in most situations), you could offer it more explicitly, i.e. "how was your day?" "Anything I can do to help?". NT's aren't 100% adept at reading body language, especially if they're tired.

Accept your aspie spouses, as they are.

I don't get it.

Sounds like your wife was being dramatic if she flipped out or got offended.

Totally ignoring what League_Girl said (sorry), maybe it's a "girl thing." Other than that, I betcha it varies from person to person, and your wife just happened to be a person that was insulted by that comment at that moment. Did you end up telling her you were offering a helping hand or lending an ear?

I'm not the type to tell someone how they look, but when I was told I look tired, we worked it out. By now, he knows how I look when I'm sleepy.

yeah, I did end up just saying it. Probably should do that from the beginning .

It's all good. Ended up being humorous for her. another "Oh ProfessorAspie" story to tell.

yeah, I did end up just saying it. Probably should do that from the beginning .

It's all good. Ended up being humorous for her. another "Oh ProfessorAspie" story to tell.

Good, I'm happy you told her!

Not to me... Maybe because most of the time I am tired.

Well, when I look tired, its usually cause I've been really busy and not getting enough sleep, which makes me stressed and.....CRABBY! So, wifey might have over-reacted a bit to your (accurate) observation because she was, ya know, CRABBY!

Tip for the future, when wifey looks tired, instead of making an accurate observation, think about saying something that might cheer her up like, "Honey, you've really been doing an amazing job with....." (she'll feel gratified that you've noticed how hard she's working) or "Hey, I was thinking about cooking dinner/picking up the kids/stopping at the market/[fill in errand here]," (she'll be happy that you're offering to take some of the load off of her) or "I don't say it often enough, but I'm so lucky you married me," (cause it'll remind her that you love her). Yes, we women can be a bit fussy and sensitive at times, but we're mostly worth it.

Its only an insult if the person isn't actually tired.

Best to make sure they are before saying it.