Aspie or not?

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Please help me to figure out whether he has Aspergers.

I am seeing this guy almost 6 months. He doesnt talk much on the phone, hardly 3 to 4 mins. We hardly talk once in 3 days or 4 days. He surprisingly introduced me on the 3rd date as his girl friend to his co-workers. And also he invites me to work related events. I am not sure has is an Aspie, my cousin believe he is an aspie since her co-worker has an Aspergers and has similar traits and behavior.

He often carries the notes which he has written that say "I am happy" "I am intelligent" "I am strong" "I am confident" and so on, he carry's them and also read them very often. Do Aspies write little notes and read them? I asked him why does he read and carry them and he said that it is good to read and remember. He only takes me to places he enjoys and he does not get any clues that I am not enjoying myself as much as he is. We basically go to the same two places all the time. We rarely go out for dinner until unless it is necessary. When I suggest to go to a place which I like he says to go without him.

He almost never say I miss you or thinking of you or anything like that. He said only one time as "I miss you too" when I text ed him as "I miss you". He never compliments me unless it is a quick awkward compliment when trying to initiate sex. He is intelligent and confident, but then why does he carry the notes and read. I am sure he likes me, but I dont think he miss me. Is that normal? One time I asked him that whether he likes to be alone all the time, and he said that is very important in his life. I am the one who has to make plans to meet all the time, and when I asked whether I am pressuring him to meet me, he said no and anything he do is not intentional to hurt me. Since he doesnt talk much, if I email his behavior he never reply me back. I am very confused. He looks very interested when I am with him.

It looks like he thinks he should spent a minimal amount of time with me and then his obligation is done. I am pretty sure he is not dating anyone else, but his behavior is very frustrating. After researching Aspergers syndrome, every day I become more convinced that he is an Aspie. Would anyone here agree? Can some one give me some advice?

You painted the exact picture of my ex whom I also think has Asperger. Unfortunately he never told me and since I never met anyone before him with Asperger I just ended up thinking he was not that much into me. I was also very frustrated and hurt cause I thought he was just being a jerk and using me for whatever reason. You must have researched already the topic so I am not going to talk about that, you know what to expect. What I am going to say to you is that for you two to have a chance you need to know what you are dealing with and you guys have to learn to communicate as much as possible with the tools that you have. I really think you need to discuss the disorder and what are his specific challenges. Aspies have a lot in common but they are not all the same. Is it hard for him to read body language and facial expressions? How hard? Can he get your hints? How much time alone does he need? What is the most comfortable way for him to communicate (email, text?)? You need to know HIS Asperger and how the two of you can communicate to make this work. Both of you will need to make some compromises. First of all talk to him about it, he probably dropped already some hints but he has not had the courage yet to talk openly about it. I adore my ex and I think he is awesome, I am still debating if I should confront him with the all Asperger thing because I really believe that if I had known we would have had a shot at it.

Thanks for your response. It makes me feel that good to have a person to talk to.

Does your ex also read little notes like "I am happy", "I am strong" etc? Does Aspies do that?

I am very nervous to talk about Aspergers with him, I dont want to embrace him? If he really has Aspergers I dont have any problem to work with him, if doesnt then I would like to leave him right there. Because I dont like the way I am being treated.
How am I going to address this issue? Is there is any easy way or good way to address this issue to him? Does anyone has suggestions?

Hey sweetie, no I don’t think he carried those notes, I have never seen them. It is hard to say how you should approach the topic. Sometimes the best way is with love, compassion, understanding and honesty. Just be yourself, you need to know in order to know whether you should try to work at this challenging relationship or if you should just walk away. Believe me I completely understand your confusion, I was confused all the time. I knew he was a good person so I could not understand why he was treating me like this. One time I explained to him very clearly how I felt treated and he got it, he apologized, felt bad about it. So I thought, ok now he gets it. But in retrospect now I know that I should have communicated with him more, I was just relying on him getting my hints. He couldn’t get them. I know it is gonna be hard for you to talk to him, but I do believe that this is the only chance you have to make it work.

You could start by saying that you have been in other relationships (I am assuming this is the case), that they were all different from each other but that usually from what you know when two people like each other and are attracted to each other they tend to want to spend time together and talk to each other. Since he does not seem to want that you are wondering if there is anything different about him that you should know. See if at that point he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about it.

To be or not to be , that's the question.

Thanks for all your responses AndreaLuna. I really appreciate it.

Yeah as you say I have to talk to him. I will try to ask him is there is any problem in the relationship, is there is anything I need to know. Even though I get frustrated with his behavior, when I see him in person I forget everything. I just feel he is Aspie and he is not doing anything intentionally.

Since it is already 6 months, next month I am planning to say my love to him. I am not sure what might happen. May be he say he loves me back or just Thank you as he always say. I am not prepared to hear just Thank you. Since there is so many issues, should I wait little longer another two months? Any suggestions?

I heard when Aspie's are in relationship, usually they dont break up, ,most of the time the other person break up is that is true?

AndreaLuna - Who said "I love you" in your ex relationship?

Sweetie, the same was true for me. When I was with him I forgot everything. There was a lot of chemistry between us, I have never experienced so much chemistry and I am over 40. I don't know how to explain it but I felt that being in his arms was the place where I was supposed to be. It was like home. Sadly, I never told him I was in love with him. I feared he would get scared, in fact at the end we broke up because he told me he did not think he would fall in love with me and he was afraid I would fall for him. In retrospect, I am wondering if this was part of his Asperger, not being sure of what he feels. He told me that his feelings for me they were coming and going. I do know I saw strong emotions in him at times. It has been over 4 months since we broke up and I still think about him every day. I want to get some courage and talk to him one of these days. Just talk to him, don't wait. Don't accumulate frustration and anger. You are still not sure he has Asperger. If you know then you can try to work on the relationship so that you get to a place where there is not so much frustration and there is more peace and understanding.

I am very sorry to hear "He told me that his feelings for me they were coming and going. I do know I saw strong emotions in him at times." I can only imagine how you would have felt.

One week he is good texting me "Good night" on every night, and the other week nothing happens. So may be like your ex his feelings for me come and go .

Was he sad when you broke up with him or he is ok? Did he introduced you to his family and friends as his gf?

In the beginning after few dates, I asked him why he is not giving atleast one call at the end of the day to check how am I doing? He said it has to happen naturally. After few days I said I want to spend more time, he said "more is not needed at this point". It is already 6 months, even now he dont call me everyday to see how I am doing? Mostly once in 3 or 4 days. May be he is not feeling anything naturally , or it is just Aspergers behaviour. May be I should hold not saying my love for another 2 or 3 months. Very confusing.

wow many questions
I broke up with him and I think he was hurt, at the time I did not think so but now I do. But he never called me again or tried to contact me and I think this is very Aspie. I don't know if his love for you comes and goes it could also be that he gets overwhelmed with other things. NTs can juggle many things at the same time, having a girlfriend, working, seeing friends and so on. I know my ex can't do that. So if you bf is having a partcularly stressful week, he may end up not having enough energy to be in touch with you. If I could go back in time, and if I knew then he has Asperger, I would sit down and talk to him openly about it and I would have also told him that I love him. Loving somebody is something wonderful, it should not be scary or painful. It is good stuff, we should not be afraid of it.

Thank you so much AndreaLuna. Your each word is making me very strong. No matter how he is treating me, I still think of him all day and miss him all day. So what ever happens I am going to sit with him and talk to him how I feel about his behavior and what are my feelings for him. Lets see what happens. Again thank you so much for all your advices. I really appreciate it.

This reminds me so much of my former relationship, except the genders are reversed (and there wasn't notecards involved)...

Speaking of which, the notecards sounds like some kind of exercise that a therapist or other professional has made him do in order to mask his insecurities

It make sense. There is some problem going on with him, may be Aspergers or something else. Because I have never seen anyone having notes, carring them and reading them. I am not sure why he dont discuss with me. What happend to your former relationship? Would you mind sharing with us?

your bf sounds to be more autistic than just someone socially inept.

What struck me was his notes - but I think those didn't make a dent for encouragement. The way I see it when I do get into an relationship, I'll see it the same way as my relationships with my friends. Unlike the typical aspie behavior I've been seeing in these threads I will make it a point to contact my significant other - preferably face to face. I think there's no substitute for human interaction as difficult as I have a time with it. Electronic communication over email/text/facebook gets lost in translation. I'll also make an effort to let my partner know about my condition, and how should we interact.