need help from an aspie, please...

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This is quite long, I apologize, but I REALLY need help!

I just joined this site because I am seriously confused. I've read some of the "being in love" with an aspie type of discussions. I'm an NT and just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm completely enamored with an aspie man. He says he loves me all the time... and I believe him.

The problem I have is (*SHOCKING) communicating.

Lately, after his recent move, we have been fighting over stupid little things. This is a
new problem, though, and it seems the more I try and resolve things, the more he pushes away.

I have the complete OPPOSITE communication style from him.

For instance, I despise texts messaging because I need to read facial expressions and hear changes in intonation to make sense out of what he is saying. Even just speaking on the phone and HEARING the tone of his voice is better than text for me. He has real trouble speaking to anyone, let alone me, on the phone as phones make him very anxious. I also have ADD and speak in a very nonlinear pattern and tend to be disorganized in my thoughts (especially when I am nervous or anxious about talking to him about something).

Also, I am very much the type of person that if I get upset, I want to resolve it right away. Waiting for a few hours, days or a week to resolve a problem causes me severe anxiety and eventual depression as I feel like his lack of responding is = to a lack of caring about my feelings. Even though I know that he needs a lot of time to process things, my brain is firing at about 10 times the speed of his and it tends to be very frustrating.

I know the obvious answer is for us to just write everything out, but since we do not live close to each other that is very unrealistic. Especially when it comes to something like making plans for the next day.

We almost ended everything last night because I asked him to call and confirm plans (for today) when he was done with work last night (8pm). He texted me back that he would.

By 10pm I had not heard from him , so I texted and asked if he forgot. He told me that he "was at a show" and would call me "later".

I got upset because I figured if someone asks you to call when you are done with something, and that something ends at a specific time, then it is reasonable to figure an hour or two from that point, especially when trying to make plans for the following day?

I finally spoke to him at 12:45am. By this time I was so frustrated that I had waited that long, that I was very upset with him in my tone of voice. He was totally confused as to why I was upset and said that If there was a time limit, then I should have let him know, and that he was just going to call me when he was "not busy". He was also very upset with me and took it as I was telling him what to do (when he should be calling).

I ended up yelling at him out of sheer frustration and he hung up on me saying "i'm not going to do this anymore". Since he NEVER answered the phone or texted me back I took that as a breakup.

I talked to him today, and he just meant he wasn't going to discuss it anymore. However, hanging up and ignoring me all night just made me soooo anxious, that I ended up crying all night.

We straightened it out today, but for both of us being upset all night... for nothing.

I really really really need some advice on more effective communication skills. PLEASE.

I really love this man and he feels the same way. I don't want to lose him over something so trivial in the future and I DON'T want to fight anymore. When we are together in person, these kind of things rarely happen. Perhaps because I can read his facial expressions and I try to avoid it??

thanks for your patience on this long post.

Your options:

1. Teach him to communicate your way.

2. Learn to communicate his way.

3. Continue as you are.

4. Break up.

Choose one.

Here's the thing...with my short time here at WP, I've discovered that there are those who like to use AS as an excuse for bad, even disrespectful, behavior. They're very precious about their AS.

Your job is to determine whether he is one of these types. Does he show any signs of wanting to change or improve himself? If not, then you either live with it or you leave him.

Just wanted to say I have read your post and feel your pain, I'm an aspie girl but I'd feel the same as you. Maybe some of the aspie-guys can help. Just wanted to say Im sorry you are experiencing such difficulty in an otherwise good relationship. Hang in there and my only advice is maybe being more specific in spelling things out a bit more like time of call. As much as I'd have wanted that call if I were in your position, I could likely make the same mistake as your bf if I were in his... not having specified the time I could have read the agreement of when to call wrong.

Fnord: 2. that's the reason that I am here, I need help in finding out where I am going wrong with communicating to him. In other words, I wish there was an NT-->Aspie translator.

AsteroidNap : YES... He is trying as well. I know it is difficult for him too. I DO give him much more leeway than anyone else I have dated because of the Aspie thing, though. BUT he really DOES have trouble wording things and I know he is sincere with me. I don't question anything as far as him being purposely deceitful or anything.

OhNowIGetIt: Thank you, I will try that. It seems silly to me to be very specific on things that I think are very black and white, but I am willing to try it. He's worth it. If I need to spell out every little thing, I will.

Thank you all VERY much.

AND....any other advice from anyone is still appreciated. I think I can't have TOO much advice, right?

it may seem silly but it is half and half(did this with my family when I or them are gone for a trip) webcam chat with him that lets you see and hear him and you can text what you say. half and half.

Talk to him about unspoken rules, to you calling after work means after he gets off but to an aspie that does not keep their eyes on a clock after work means any time after work. so let him know after work is "within an hour of getting off work"

For making up his cool down and your heat up time(him needing to clear his mind and you wanting to fix it right off) Give him sometime, Say half an hour or less and use that time to write down your thoughts and clean your thoughts and words.

For the him liking texting, you like talking on the phone in particular, because I'm someone who can't stand talking on the phone:

I have no idea if you've tried it, but even if you're nearby, have you tried or proposed to him something like skype?

Personally I can't stand talking on phones in particular. Phones irrationally terrify me. Typing is easier than speaking but phones are drastically worse than other manners. Having the computer - something I'm comfortable with, be what's dealing with the fact that I'm being verbal rather than the phone. On top of this these programs tend to have the ability to type as well as video and sound chat, which leads to the possibility of "Can we make it so that default communication is verbal, but if you're having a particularly difficult time, then I agree that either you or both of us swap to typing?".


When it comes to the dealing with you wanting to fix things immediately and him wanting to wait on it, could you compromise such that you can wait a certain amount of time for him, such that he has enough time to do some analyzing, but have a fixed amount of time to wait so that you don't have to feel like you're up in the air? Would that reduce your anxiety (I know it reduces some people's)?

I'll second the spell out things for him more specific, in cases like what "after work" means.

Deedee, it sounds like you at least pegged the dynamic well. I'd agree with Fnord, from here its really a process of figuring each other out and what's really meant.

Regarding the situation you mentioned last night that was a definite lapse of common sense, I've run into that in dating as well - probably much less far into a relationship, and it made me question how reliable or present they really were. Fights like this are learning experiences both ways though. Think of it perhaps as a bit of the unknown disappearing and as you both have an increasingly better understanding of each other it should help to alleviate a lot of the trepidation that you and possibly he also may be experiencing.

I know from myself that I have to hear things over and over and in a calm, dispassionate way or with a lot of love and compassion. But it takes repeated repitition - like maybe a hundred times? If you want it to work, be patient. Also, I have been on the side of wanting the other person to respond to me on a certain time line and then been frustrated. I have a PTSD anxiety disorder as well as AS adding to that. So on that side, maybe you need to be patient in yourself. Hope it works out for you and your guy!

Have you considered reading some literature on the subject?
Rudy Simone has a book which has supposedly helped many women, called
22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man With Aspergers Syndrome

Tony Attwood (colleague of Simone's) has another with Barbara Jacobs-
Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover With Asperger's Syndrome

CLICK ME FOR BOOKS

Perhaps you could look into them?

I've in the past few days decided to get something similar for my (very NT) boyfriend, if I can find something more sex-neutral, let alone about Aspie females.

Well, the scenario you gave may be trivial, but it does sound like there are serious communication issues to work out. I noticed you seem to be making a few assumptions about his behavior:

1 - "his lack of responding is = to a lack of caring about my feelings" - Not necessarily. Could be he doesn't realize this causes you such anxiety (have you tried explaining this to him?), could be he's having a hard time expressing himself, could be he's having some anxiety of his own and putting too much pressure on himself, etc...

2 - "it is reasonable to figure an hour or two from that point" - There are many differences in personality and communication styles from one aspie to another, but one thing most of us seem to agree on is that it helps to be explicit. You might try asking him to call you at a certain time. You might also try reminding him that it's important to you by explicitly telling him so. If he responds more urgently when you state this outright, he could be having trouble picking up the emotion or subtext of your conversations (especially over the phone.)

3 - "i'm not going to do this anymore" meaning "it's over" - Could be the flip-side of #2... It sounds like you may be constructing a subtext when none was intended. When you hear something like this, consider the possibility that it was meant in a very literal way. If he wanted to say what you thought he did - that the relationship was over - he might prefer to say so explicitly.

4 - Your communication difficulties are due to the fact that he has Asperger's and you do not - While the other three examples I mentioned are from an Asperger's perspective, it's not always going to be about Asperger's. Maybe none of it is. There are many possible explanations for what you described. I'd suggest considering the Asperger's angle as one possible motivation in these situations, just not as the only one.

Please note, I am not a professional, just speaking from personal experience here so take it with a grain of salt. But I hope it helps.

Thank you everyone!


I don't know why we both didn't think of the skype idea sooner! That's brilliant.

I am also looking into the books as well.

I can't remember who commented something about it being unilateral instead of taking us both to work on it? I think you may have misconstrued it as he is working on some of his own issues as well. The reason that I started this thread in the first place was not to "fix" our relationship on here, but more to ask opinions from other Aspies on where I am going wrong in my communication with him. (the only other Aspies I know are not over the age of 8!) I hope that clarifies a little and I DO thank you for your help and opinions!

I thank everyone for their input. I have a lot of work to do. I'll let you all know how it turns out.

: )

I am NT and I have been married to an Aspie for 16 years. If I can give you a piece of advise it would be: learn and practice the serenity prayer "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." There are certain things you will have to accept and learn to live with. You will have to learn to have patience. And you will have to learn to speak clearly: to say exactly what you mean and provide enough information to your partner. If you do that, you will have a happier and healthier relationship with the man you love. Best wishes.

hey...

Well, everything is far from perfect,but it DID get better!

I read the "22 things you should know" book that someone suggested and it
made a world of difference. He also read it and REALLY likes it. It helped A LOT.

The phone call situation is pretty much ok, too. Now if I want him to call,
I just text and say "can you call me on sept 12, 2011 between 8-9pm please?"

AND IT WORKS!

We also made a schedule to see each other and when I am there, I give him his
"alone time" by going in his room and reading a book or something for an hour
or two. (Because I see him after work).

So far, so good. wish me luck and thanks to everyone again...