Testing your partner

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My NT female flatmate says that girls test their boyfriends as a matter of routine during the relationship because "it's natural" and "they want to see how they'll react in certain situations." She also said that the reason people get irritated when their partners spend time with their exes is it makes them insecure.

I say it shows a fundamental distrust of your partner. If you are in a relationship with someone, then presumably you trust them not to run off with someone else behind your back. In which case, there is no need to keep testing their loyalty or assuming the worst if they spend time with platonic friends who happen to be their exes. It seems unreasonable to expect people to stop seeing their friends just because they're in a relationship.

So...which one of us is right, or are we both right? Because my flatmate's point of view makes no logical sense to me.

I find the idea of testing a partner manipulative and repellent. I understand feeling insecure if your partner spends time with an opposite sex friend, but it does come down to trust. I have moments of insecurity/jealousy in my relationship, but I recognize it's from prior bad experiences. Handcuffing my partner to me is not a coping mechanism.

I just get them really really drunk a few times. All their true colours voluntarily just get spewed out all over the place.

And then I run away.

Your NT flatmate is right. Most PUA writings say that women test men frequently, to see if they're truly alpha males, and not just faking. It's an evolutionary mechanism women use to ensure that the man has the best genes (i.e. most alpha). Not all authors use the term "alpha", but the concept is always the same. If he passes her tests (read: stands up for himself), she becomes a better girlfriend, rewards him with more frequent sex, etc. If he fails her tests (read: gives in to her unreasonable demands), she withholds sex, and treats him worse and worse, until he turns into a henpecked shadow of his former self. If they're married, she divorces him, takes everything he's got, and sticks him with child support and alimony payments. I saw a similar pattern with a female friend in the past (minus the sex). Once I caught on to the tests, I threw her out of my life and filed a police report to make sure she doesn't return.

The only way to succeed in relationships is to learn what tests women use and how they work. Good reading materials are PUA books (many of them are mostly crap, but the good parts are really good) and women's magazines (Cosmo, etc.). Why should a dude read Cosmo, a borderline feminist magazine? There's a Russian expression: "one needs to know the enemy's face". This awkward-sounding phrase means that you gotta know how your enemy thinks in order to defeat them. In order words, for example, to figure out to talk your way out of a traffic ticket, your best bet is to read a police training manual that teaches cops how to give tickets. Or to learn to prevent a bomb from getting on a plane, you read a bomb-making site that teaches criminals how to sneak them past security.

Alfa males go to jail. The rest is just a game.

Maybe so. But then they have girlfriends on the outside, that constantly visit them and put money on their commissary accounts ("books" in prison slang). The alpha male has a guaranteed place to go after his release, and the girl enjoys the protected status of a boyfriend in jail (no one messes with her out of fear of repercussions). Also, being alpha that he is, he enjoys a high social status in jail, has plenty of friends, and gives people the prison shower treatment (which is considered very alpha on the inside), rather than getting it, the way most aspie men would if they ever went to jail.

I think you are both right. It would depend on the situation and how comfortable you are with your partner.

^^i feel the same.

someone.... ...thinks Cosmo... .....is a feminist publication.


BUAAA HAAA HAAAA hAAAAAA



i may have just herniated something--must...get up off floor.....back into chair....

Such unbelievable rubbish. Ugh! If one views women as the "enemy" and feels they need to get to know the enemy, so that I presume you can sleep with the enemy, then just how do you expect a woman to fall in love with you? Who wants a man that sees her as the enemy???

Yes, it's true that some women do test their partners, I know people that do it. I don't think that it is a very mature thing to do. I don't think it's natural. It's born from people not knowing how to communicate effectively with other adults. I agree with you, I think it shows a lack of trust. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that played games with me.

It is not a test. It is a game. A stupid human pet trick. Just to see. It is exciting drama. They get bored with their hair, so they move on to something more exciting, and challenging. Like a man game. Game the system. Game game game. Thankfully some people are not like that. The ones who are not can help you keep your sanity, and may not wind up with your family jewels.

I'm not going to prison because of a girl over the alfa orientation. Gaming people, and systems, is not my forte.
If that is the way things are going to be, the girls, and the games can stay away from me.

These are the stories of girls, and boys.

^^Likewise.

Cosmo is a feminist magazine. What makes it borderline? The ads? I don't get it?

I am trying to not ruin the humor for others, but I really don't get it.