I'm not sure what my actions should be?

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I've been with my girlfriend 11 months yesterday (21st). She has adhd as well as me.

What annoys me is, her mum has a lot of say on if she can "go out" or not, as in, come out with me to mine etc. I am nearly never allowed at her house. Her mum is ill an stuff, so she needs to help her mum out with various things which I don't have any problems with as long as I get to see her you know?

She always stays at mine at the weekend usually friday/saturday night. Last week, she wasn't allowed to stay 2 nights which I was annoyed about as it was our time.

Today, she is told "you must change your plans because I need you to be here sunday". I was like okay, can't I pick you up from college on thursday and you stay over til saturday then? She asked and her mum just said "no" with no real reason.

It's really getting to me because she is 18!! ! Everytime I say something to her like 'just come out anyway' or 'for gods sake why not now why can't you do your own thing you're not 5' and all she ever does is get anoyyed and say "you're making it worse" but she is making it worse by not saying anything?

I totally understand where she is coming from, but she gives up the right moaning about it saying "oh i wish i could see you whenever i want i really want a cuddle" by the fact she wont actually talk to her mum about it, she just lets it go?! She continuously moans about her mum and how she controlls her entire life, she goes out to college, and has to be straight back home. She can't see me on a wednesday (day she has off college) because "you see him too much".

She won't say anything, so what am i supposed to do or say when she comes to me upset saying she hates her mum and she wants to be able to have her own life?!

She just gets mad at me and says "shut up, you're making it worse".

I get so sad, and i am so confused because I cant seem to help her by convincing her that she needs to have a chat with her mum and make her realise she is technically an adult now and can legally do what she pleases as of 16? (with regards to going out etc)

I'm so really confused. Am i over thinking this or??

It's going to be tough to change this girl. She feels obligated to her mother because she takes care of her. Her mother is rather controlling. I think she fears that she (your girlfriend) will move out and leave her isolated.

I know it's frustrating. But she has to be the one to resolve her issues with her mother. That will be hard to do, since she's ill. I wish she had a mother who could understand that a person is grown up and has to have a life, too!

In the meantime, if you really like her, I would just stick it out. I don't think she's doing this to be mean to you.

Again, she feels obligated to her mother. This is the primary reason why she does what she does.

Thats what I thought. At first, I used to think it was her taking what her mum says too litterally and her adhd blowing it out of preportion but I have whitnessed it first hand.

She is always saying she can't wait to move out an we find a place, and that she wants to leave home because none of her family (mum, stepdad, brother) care or in her words "notice her" etc. Her brother lives at home still too, but he is never asked to help out or anything.

It's always her, she gets instructed to do this that and the other. "you're not going out until your room is clean" "tell davey to get you at 11.30"

I feel like a spare part sometimes. I want to be able to turn up when I please (within reason!) and surprise her with flowers and stuff you know? I can respect her mum is ill, and she needs to help out as I say but when she is told "no you can't stay over tomorrow night" rather then "well since I need you sunday you may stay tomorrow til saturday.

Even though realistically, she shouldnt even be controlling her in that way at all. It should be "do you think you could be here sunday?" not "change your plans you must be here"

I wasn't even allowed to see her yesterday on our anniversary.

I just dont know how to approach it, because whenever I say something she gets mad at me and i feel bad for saying anything but I think about all sorts like this and theres one way to do something about it but she won't :/

I love this girl to peices an I would stick this out for years to come if I have to, I just want her to be able to help herself because in her own words "no one else cares".

I will absolutely bite my tongue on this, as saying something to her mum would be bad for all of us. I just don't know how to act, what to say, or what to even do because I want to be there for her but keep her happy while not "putting ideas" in her head you know? argh

It seems like you're in a difficult situation. But it seems like you'll be mature about it.

Are you going to college as well?

When you say "college," do you mean "university?"

I try to be mature about it, It's not any real problem it just makes me sad that she will get down about it but not do anything. Seeing her more often when we want to would be real nice though.

I myself work as I am 21, I am a part-time mechanic. She goes to college and is achieving a qualification in beauty therapy. I offer myself as her "subject" to take into college to do various treatments on, as she has no one else to bring and needs to have someone to act as a client to be able to be graded on the different things and pass the course. Some parts of it are quite relaxing like the back massages etc, but things like manicures I don't feel that butch about

I believe, if you seek further qualifications as a mechanic, that her mother will be happy. I think this will help her loosen the purse strings on your girlfriend. She probably wants somebody whom she trusts not to split on her/abuse her/rely on her (or her mother).

It's good to see this, partially, from her mother's viewpoint. In her own weird way, she wants to make sure her daughter doesn't end up with a bum.

Being a mechanic is very useful. I know I have found them useful in the past.

How close is your girlfriend to graduating? Beauty school's usually only a year, so she should be done pretty soon, right? More likely to move and get her own place, yes?

This is a problem you can likely wait out!

Well, she lives in her parents house. It doesnt matter how old you are, if your living in mums house its mums rules. Thats just the way it goes until you move out of home. You'll just have to live with it.

What I dont unserstand, for example going with the mums house mums rules thing her brother can come and go as he pleases go out drinking on a friday night come back the next day no need for permission or anything but when it comes to my girlfriend "no you cannot go out, you see him too much".

I live with my mum, she says to me "as long as you let me know whats happening".

But yeah, she has nearly finished which would be June I think. She isnt sure what she wants to do after, but she has said to me "I cant move out she wont let me". She even said to me as a joke "I could be 25 and she still wouldnt let me go out when i want" so it's obviously a problem but she still wont say anything :/

Also with regards to the good job thing - Yeah I only (Well i say only, people say i did extremely well but idk) achieved a level 1 qualification in motor vehicle service and repair. I have been doing cars all of my teen years as a hobbie which grew into private work and I thought as i got nearer 20 I should get qualified in it and go further. Well, I now work for an automotive company which is the largest importer of german vehicles in the UK at the docks. I go over selected cars before they are taken in for pre-delivery inspection. I have the responsibility of moving and repairing cars up to the value in excess of £150,000 plus. Though I don't big myself up about it, though hell I am so proud, I tend not to be aragant about what I do to make myself appear better then anyone as I am not.

I have met her mum personally on one occasion it was before my girlfriends birthday, I took her to Colchester zoo. Her mum gave me money for fuel though I insisted there was no need, she was really nice and was talking about how good the zoo is and that I would love it.

My girlfrinds step dad thinks very highly of me, I have heard. I have been mates with him through a car related club for many years before I met my girlfriend. When her mum was in hospital (for observation reasons) her stepdad didn't mind me coming and going as I please in his own words "her mum isnt here, and I don't really care". I often got asked round for dinner, and her stepdad would often ask "you staying here tonight?" and it made me feel so welcome.

HEr mum has been in and out of hosipital but whenever she comes back home, my girlfriend becomes really sad not always sad but when she feels low she is really low. She used to say things like "I'm coming over to your's and i'll stay for like a week maybe" and i'd be SO excited but when her mum is at home it's "i'll ask" and more often then not, she isnt allowed out for even a day during the week.

We live 30+ miles apart and I drive so it's not a problem, but it's not like I can just pop by in 5 minuites it's about a 40 minute drive.

I really just want her to realise she can talk to her mum about it and that she has complete control of her own life, rather then saying to me she feels trapped and cant do anything right in her own words. She is amazing and excells at all sorts, just not problem solving

Sounds like you have a good situation. You should get higher qualifications, though.

I'm glad the stepdad likes you; he's an important ally.

Never mention to your employers that you have Aspergers.

Believe it or not, I mentioned it on the application I filled in for the job. I applied for "car valet/washer" and a guy phoned me up and sounded really excited to speak to me. He said "car washing is boring, I have something better for you. Tell me about yourself" so i explained I, not hate, but don't like people and prefer to work alone. He interviewed me and said "when can you start?"

That's pretty nifty.

But as you "get up the ladder," there are people who might use the diagnosis against you.

I'd be cautious about disclosing, still.

If your gf moves out to live on her own, who is going to take care of the mother? Why does this fall to her and not stepdad and brother, the whole family?

You're right, Trollcat. The mother treats the brother like his crap don't stink.

Exactly my point. My girlfriend always tells me how she thinks her mum just doesn't like her, and I have seen how she demands that my girlfriend does this that and the other, not that she's ill and needs help, but more so the "no you are not going out"

To add weight to this I was on skype to my girlfriend earlier and her mum and stepdad just came back from the hospital, and I heard "She's not even in, she hasnt picked up the post or turned the heating up, I bet she's gone out with that **ill replace a familiar word with ducking*** ret*d".

I can't stop laughing tbh, but yeah her mum just doesnt lay off her.

It's rediculous

Hey daveytn.

It seems like she's merely venting, and what she wants from you is to just listen. If she wants advice, she'll prompt you and ask for it. In the meantime, continue to be there for her, but it doesn't seem like she's ready or wants to change her situation yet.