I have made a terrible mistake

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Hi guys,
A week or so ago I posted about being in love with 2 guys, the post is here if you're interested.
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viewtopic.php?f=6&t=336174&p=7450872#p7450872[/url]

Anyway, there is another complication that I didn't go into, a third guy, because he had nothing to do with the other 2 and I thought I had it under control. Apparently I did/do not.

So, long and rambling backstory time (I'm sure people are used to these for now, nearly all my posts have them. Skip over if you like). Back in 2009 I was a member of this boxing club in my home town, and this new guy, D, came in to train with us (btw, our club had men, women and all ages). After about 1 or 2 nights he came up to me and asked me out to see a movie. I was in love with another guy in the town I was studying in but it wasn't going anywhere, and I was surprised that a guy who didn't even know me would just ask me on a date so I agreed. We went out to the pub a couple of times after that, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend in the town I was studying in and I said no. D then asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, so I said yes. A week or so later we went to the park and had lunch, and we kissed, and we went out to the pub together a few more times but that was it. I wasn't really attracted to him so i told him so, and I went back to uni (summer holidays is at the end of the year down here in the south). Apart from a few times, I never really saw him again, and he stopped answering my texts anyway.

Fast forward to last December and I was in town with my brother one day. Out of nowhere D appeared walking up the street towards me. We talked for a few minutes and he said he had been traveling around the country and didn't have his phone anymore so we exchanged numbers again. So we caught up at the pub a couple of times again, just filling in what had happened over the 6 years, and I just assumed we were catching up as old friends. After all, D doesn't have many friends and had started studying so had a lot of time to kill between coming back from traveling and starting his new course. I was just busy enjoying having a regular friend to hang out with as most of my friends are busy and the only people I see regularly are my mum and brother. That was, until he started talking about things like when/if I want to have kids (he is 16 years older than me), do I ever want to get married, who are my exes and why did we break up. He also began asking me to different events on around the state and when I said no to one because I had something else on he got kind of annoyed saying "I don't want to go to it because I want to go to the speedway, I want to go to it because I want to spend time with you!" Suddenly alarm bells were ringing and I realised what I had inadvertently got myself into. Even when I had gotten pre-booked tickets (got them months ago) to see a band with a (female!) friend he got sort of annoyed/disappointed with me because he wanted to take me to see another band on the same night.

He seems kind of jealous and always asks who people are that I go and see and if they are male or female. For instance, I went to my ex-boss's house last week for a cup of tea and a catch up. I hadn't seen him or his wife since he retired about 2 years ago, and he was a really good mentor etc. We got talking for a while and when I told D about this (he asked why I didn't reply to a text quickly enough) but he went really quiet then changed the subject. I then added that my boss is about 60 and is married with kids older than me.....he didn't care.

I realised this was getting out of control when yesterday we went to a vintage car and motorbike show. We were walking around looking at the cars when I spotted this vintage motorbike which was a similar model to one my dad used to own that he had to sell because he had me (dad used to show me photos of it and still had the manuals etc). The owner was talking to someone who asked him to start it up, so he did, and then he got on and took the guy for a short ride around the paddock. I told D that I was going over to ask for a ride as I hadn't seen a bike like that in real life before, so I walked over and asked the bikie if he would take me for a ride. Of course, he said yes and some little kids came over and started lining up to go for a ride too. D was annoyed with me and said that "do you just let guys on motorbikes just pick you up?" I told him to get over it and I wasn't interested in the bikie (he was a really old guy with a big beard etc....just an old bikie...like my dad's old friends...). So I got on and me and the bikie rode around the paddock talking about his bike (where he found it, how long it took to restore, how his niece did the paint job, I told him about my motorbike etc) and each time we did a lap around the cars were D was standing he was just standing there glaring at us. The bikie then let a little kid into the side car for a ride and I had to tell him I had to go so I got off and D seemed annoyed and took a while to start talking to me again. oh seriously, IT WAS JUST AN OLD MAN WITH A VINTAGE BIKE.

Because it was super hot, after the show we went down to the river for a swim, and D got talking to me. He said that he was so happy that I had kissed in back 6 years ago, and the reason he left the state and went traveling around the country was because I wouldn't be his girlfriend. He said that he was really hurt with something I had said to him 6 years ago (I said that I wasn't attracted to him). He also said that he had specifically changed his course because he didn't want to move away because "everything he wants/needs" is here in our town, including ME.

I told him when we first started catching up that I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be his girlfriend or not. He had said that this was ok, but just let him know if I start seeing someone else. I guess I kept hanging out with him because it's easy, but the longer I take to determine whether I should just be with him (everyone says I'm too fussy) the more serious he gets and i think I have passed the point of no return. I regret kissing him in 2009 but I don't think I really understood the full gravity of it (I used to pash guys in pubs when I was young and stupid but it never amounted to anything) and I regret even agreeing to hang out with him again. What have I done....

Ban-Dodger, I think you read too many JP comics!! I don't think anything will/would embarrass this guy though

Or maybe watching too much JP-Animé. Well, regardless, a guy whose forum-handle was Fnord used to post frequently on these forums, then he stopped at the 30K post-count mark, for reasons that he stated was of a significant number to him. His «most-effective» method for dealing with «problem-people» within his life was something that he called «ghosting» them... basically... ignoring them like they were non-existent. Not even responding or noticing them as he went about his business. The «pay no attention» card has been used with success by a number of people (you might even expect Guy #3 to start yelling or screaming at you, depending on how lacking in control he is over his emotions, but if for some reason you do react in a manner that looks like you got startled, just treat it like you thought you just saw a ghost or other para-normal explanation).

Ban-Dodger, I think you read too many JP comics!! I don't think anything will/would embarrass this guy though

Even I'd you were his girlfriend he is being way too jealous

I had a guy once start calling me his girlfriend and like talking about the future (we hadn't kissed or anything), asked me to delete my online dating profile and I was like hang on a second you never asked me if I want to be your girlfriend. It sounds like your in a similar situation?

Just be blunt and politely ask him to not act like your boyfriend before you have made a decision.

Also it's not your fault if he is hung up on someone for 6 years

He is a grown man and you shouldn't have to tiptoe around trying not to hurt his feelings. As long as you haven't led him on by kissing him and stuff then frankly you owe him nothing.

Yeah sounds like this is a case of him deciding you'll be his girlfriend, even if you haven't said you are yet...he's decided you are at least in practice. So I'd agree you should just tell him you're not his girlfriend and would appreciate he quits acting like you are and knocks off the rude/jealous behavior when you interact with other guys or are out doing things with friends. I'd tell him if he doesn't stop then you'll have to cut him out of your life.

Thanks Sweetleaf and Alliekit. I haven't kissed him since 2009 and haven't initiated any physical contact, although, he has done things like touch me on the shoulder etc a few times and it is increasing. I try to move away but don't always see it coming.

Yeah it sounds like a similar thing to you Alliekit. About 2 weeks ago he told me he picked up a hitchhiker (who was female) and I said that I too had picked one up on the way back from work on the very same day. He then got sort of weird asking if the hitch was male and if I was attracted to him....I said...it was just a hitchhiker...I dropped him off and drove away. He also told me that if he imagines me kissing another guy it makes him upset

Next time we catch up I will have to lay the foot down. It's hard though, I have always been taught to be polite...

From everything you say, it sounds like you don't want him and especially don't want to be trapped in a relationship with him in which he'll constantly be jealous over nothing and try to control you. There's no shame in walking away from someone who doesn't respect your autonomy and acts like he owns you just because you shared an innocent kiss six years ago.

You're right

I've gotta add my two cents since it sounds like guy is overstepping bounds and there is nothing impolite about letting him know. It doesn't sound like you led him on at all, in fact quite the opposite so it should be no surprise to him if you ask him to back off a little.

Update.
So our plan was to go to the pub Friday night (and my plan was to 'break up' with him), but a close friend was going to see a movie that we'd been meaning to see for a long time and she had no one else to go with. So I told D that I would go to the movie with my friend and meet him afterwards. He then said in a text that he was going to invite himself to the movie, and i said I'd rather just go with my friend (she has anxiety problems and can be quite down a lot of the time, so I like to catch up with her regularly to see how she's going etc). He said that he was going to come anyway. So I was s**t scared driving to the movies to the point of having chest pain, only to find that...he wasn't even there.

Then we caught up at the pub afterwards as planned, and I told him that I just want to be friends...but that wasn't enough. He said a series of things to me back, and I tried to rebut but there wasn't much I could do. List of what I remember is below.

"how are we not boyfriend and girlfriend?"
"are you even capable of having a proper relationship with anyone?"
"I knew I was playing second fiddle to someone else" (I am not even seeing anyone else)
"When I held your hand on the beach the other week I could see you were truly happy and in love" (OK. So back to when we were at the beach, we were talking about injuries, and I showed him a huge scar I have on my hand. He held my hand for about 2 seconds to look at the scar. That was all)
He also asked "you're not bi, are you?" and I actually can't lie, so I had to say yes. This started a barrage of pseudo-insults, even when i pointed out that I am not interested in being with another female due to wanting to have a family some day etc, and anyway, it doesn't matter because...I am not his girlfriend.

Then we carried on as normal and drank beer and listened to the band. As I was walking to my car which was near his car, he put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek....Just bam...and I had no time to react. Snobbing him I think is the only way out of this.

Tomorrow he will start talking you about the children.

Nope...this is just getting worse and worse. Further v day related things happened today. I'm just going to hibernate for a few weeks and not answer my phone until I can deal with this.

You seem to not understand something; if you're even talking to him at all he will assume that it is meant to be a more-than-just-friends deal... Here is what you do; stay in your house and don't leave it for months and months. Don't even answer your phone and don't respond to any e-mails. When hungry, just order food to be delievered to your door, always stay stocked up on maximum groceries and cook only at home...

...become totally paranoid, make yourself believe that you're going to get kidnapped if you step out your door, and spend each and every single day meditating in meditation, all day long, for purposes of linking your mind into the Mind of the Universal-Intelligence, requesting that you gain the necessary wisdom and answers for what is needed, etc.