How would you react to his:

Post Reply New Topic

You express your interest in a female at college and she says this: "You seem like a really nice guy but I have a lot on my plate these days and I can't give you the time you deserve. I'm on a fast track program and I simply don't have the time for dating." This was my son's complaint. He said he did a little investigating and it's true. Now, he doesn't know how to act around her. I told him to be polite and kind and to get his head in his books the same way she does.
Any feedback?

Act like a friend.

She was being honest with him.

^^^ agree

I would probably think she wasn't interested.

In either case, I would pull back. That way she could initiate contact again, if she is truly interested.

That's one of the things women say to let you down gently when they don't want to go out with you.

What you (or your son) need to *not* do is subsequently flip out when this girl starts going out with someone else, calling her a liar, a horrible person and so on. She has plenty of time to date, only she is keeping it for someone she wants to date.

It's possible that's the case. That's why I advocated that he treat her like a "friend."

I have experiences with people who have been rejected at first, then were "accepted" later after a period of friendship.

But I also think the guy should look around, and not get hung-up on this particular girl.

This kind of statement can be either a diplomatic way around saying "I don't feel that way about you and I'm not interested in dating you," and/or the actual truth.

It can be either one and on occasion it may actually be both. I know because I've said this to a guy before and it was the truth, and I've said it where I WAS busy but there could have been leeway, but I wasn't interested in that specific guy enough.

I've ALWAYS genuinely "got too much on my plate" for reasons too complex to go into. But if someone came into my life with whom I clicked in such a big way that I felt like I'd met someone very compatible for me, I would make room.

And yes, I agree with Chichikov's advice that if suddenly the next thing your son sees is this girl suddenly dating someone sure enough, please do not freak out or villify her for that.

Everyone has the right to reserve their time for the things and people they see as viable for them, and to bow out of leading someone on if there is a reason they do not feel interest.

I would reply: "...but I am not a nice guy at all, why did you assume so?"

Pretty much what BirdInFlight said. May be diplomatic, may be the truth. Though if I found out she then proceeds to date someone else soon after, I'd probably feel a bit insulted at being lied to.

And if instead she'd said "I don't want to go out with you because I don't find you attractive and I don't really like you as a person either" you'd probably feel insulted she was so rude. Basically you can ask a girl out and regardless of what she says she is a bad person if the answer is no. That's a bad attitude to have.

PS, PROTIP: saying you wouldn't be offended if she said that doesn't change anything.

That's a strange dichotomy to make. There exists a middle ground between "I'm so busy, and you deserve more than I have time for right now" and "No, and also I hate you. Go away." It is possible to be honest without being tactless.

Were I the same same situation, and she said "I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way about you", it'd hurt and I'd be disappointed, but I would respect her for her honesty. If she said "I'm sorry, I don't have the time to date now" and then that turned out to be a lie meant to spare my feelings, I'd be hurt twice; once from the rejecting, and once from the lying, and probably a little extra because I'd feel stupid for believing her. Hence why an honest rejection, without any added rudeness, would have been the less hurtful of the two.

There's another possibility to this kind of thing, though, that a person can genuinely feel like they don't have time to date, or even don't want to date, but then meet someone who changes their mind completely, for reasons of just "clicking."

It doesn't happen every day, but once in a while someone who has even decided they need to prioritize other things, might meet someone who makes them rethink that.

People have the right to change their mind. It's not always a lie to say one thing then find out you are feeling differently should different circumstances arise.

I don't feel hungry right now and would turn down another perfectly nice cupcake, but if someone walked in with some key lime pie which is my favorite, I would suddenly make room. We've all done that with all kinds of things in life.

I think the way to proceed from this is to allow that whatever the case is with what the girl said, it's now time to move on and not take it personally even if she dates someone else.

She's not interested. If she was, she would drop whatever she is doing, and go out with him.

Women are horrible at being honest when it comes to romance (yes, you can be honest, and still be nice about it).

Cut ties with any and all liars, doesn't matter who or why. Blatant disrespect.

I'm not sure I understand any skepticism regarding what this woman said. There is no reason not to take it at face value. The OP even noted her son did a little digging and he was able to verify some of it. However, if she was simply uninterested, though an "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" might be preferable, at least she was trying to spare his feelings. So it's either honesty or one of those danged "white lies". I wouldn't fault her either way. He should respect it and just be a friend, as others have said.

Soloha is correct.

Although I have to say, I don't approve of the son's investigations to verify the girl's claims. I think that's creepy and extreme. Who does that??

And.....

LOL at "horrible about being honest" and "liars."

There speaks bitterness -- are you REALLY trying to claim that men never lie or are dishonest and even say the same thing this girl said?

Seriously?

WOW.

I've know for a fact men who LIE about EVERYTHING. I know a man right now who cannot be honest about the smallest most stupid thing nobody in their right mind would bother lying about. Fact.

Seriously -- what is this poor girl to do? She may even be telling the TRUTH.

And yes even the truth can CHANGE.

I won't be back to this thread, as its now accumulating total assery instead of reasonable people with reasonable advice.

Look, OP -- EITHER WAY she's NOT INTERESTED and your son need to move on ahead but be friendly with her the same way as any other passing acquaintance.

Tell him to forget all about ALL of this and even if she's dating TOMORROW --- IT'S NOT HIS BUSINESS.

And it's her right. He doesn't own this girl, for chrissakes.

She has NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG, don't listen to these bitter people. They would be judge and jury and have her hanged for her crime no matter WHAT she had said.

I'm outta here because there is no reasoning with people who have clearly long lost their sense of reason and ability to see anything more complex than "LIAR."