I'm scared about what will happen

Post Reply New Topic

I've been with my partner now for almost 7 yrs. We've both put a lot into this relationship and it's most certainly had it's ups and downs but the past 2yrs we've felt more stable than ever. We have pets together, we rent a house, we plan our future together in terms of salaries and ensuring we will both have a liveable pension.

But all that planning stuff is Tylers area. I'm definitely not good at it and just the thought of it all stresses me out and is overwhelming. We've talked about buying our own house in the past which I'm all for and Tyler has now opened a 'Help to Buy' savings account and suggests I do too. So buying a house together is most certainly going to happen in about 4-5yrs time. We both want the same type of house and we share the same desire for a detatched cottage in an urban/country area.

But realistically, we could end up living in the same house for 30yrs. I'm now starting to worry that I won't be able to cope with that. I enjoy moving around. We've been in our current house for about 6yrs and I can't wait to move. I don't like the neighbours, I'm tired of trying to battle with the garden, the cellar isn't clean, I keep seeing cracks in the walls, I hate the layout of the kitchen... the list just grows and it's mostly really petty stuff that I know I can fix myself... but again, there comes that overwhelming feeling and I'm just incapable.

I guess it's the commitment... it scares the s**t out of me. And Tyler's talking about money, and planning things and organising things and he's talking to me about things I would have never even thought about on my own, such as the pension stuff. I wouldn't even know anything about pensions if it wasn't for Tyler. I still don't fully understand them and how to manage them properly.

And then there's kids. Tyler wants kids, he wants to adopt. I have known this and I have assumed that it won't be a big deal and that I can come around to the idea. I don't think I can. I have never been around kids, my only experience with them is what I see out in public and my first instinct as soon as I see a kid is to avoid. They scream, shout, smell, cry, they're sticky... I just can't deal. And for a brief moment I've thought a kid would be a good thing, like how fun it would be to see how I raise it and all the stuff I could teach it. But my mind right now has completely abolished all of that and all I can imagine is how much i'd want to shout at it all the time just for existing, I'm worried so much about how much it will get on my nerves, not to mention my complete lack of inability to know how to care for one. I can't even deal with an over grown garden, how the hell am i going to look after a child? And then I also think about how much time they suck out of you, and that my quiet life will be completely turned upside down, i'll never get a moments peace and thats not just a for a few years, kids are a responsibility for life. I'm definitely not ready for them, and I definitely know how much it will be a struggle for me to deal with them.

And so, i don't want kids. Tyler wants kids. I'm struggling to imagine how this ends well. I love him, i'm dependant on him, he helps me look after my future, our future. I can't even imagine my life without him. And i'm scared that will happen, we both want different things. And i'm even starting to question what I want these days as I'm not even sure.

I know I need to discuss these things with him, but i'm scared. I'm scared of the inevitable. I can feel a panic attack coming on. I have to face it and i don't want to

Tell him: "Ok, I ll pop out a baby for you but then my role is done, you feed them every night, you dress them , you take them to doctors, you teach them stuff, you diaper them, you clean their ass, ....."

He will probably change his mind.

We're both gay, so adoption will be what we'll do. Which is better I guess because we can skip the whole infant/toddler stage.

Still doesn't give me the confidence that i'll be able to be any kind of 'parent' to it.

Hi, I posted a long reply, but it vanished!

I’ll try again.

If you move to a house it’s easier to make it your own . What I mean is, if it’s yours it’s easier to invest your time and effort because the payoff is yours.

Also where I live property value increases. so if you move potentially you could sell if it doesn’t work out and be ahead.

I mean, if the cracks are yours, the cellar is yours and the garden is yours you may get more enjoyment making those places exactly how you want them.

As for kids- yes they are scary. I have two. I don’t like other kids. I can tell you it’s different when there yours. I cant explain, but if you where to adopt everything you worry about will be different. I suppose it’s different for everyone but for me it’s not as bad as I expected.

Sounds like you have a full time job. You have a long term relationship into which you invest a good deal of emotional and physical energy. Obviously you are able to commit to something you value. The garden may never get done in your current or future house but I don't think that's a character flaw - it's just not your passion. Life can go on quite successfully when non-critical needs fall by the wayside. The thing about kids (I have three) is that they somehow manage to thrive as long as we feed and love them.
You will not be on your own and it's much more manageable to share raising a kid with a caring partner.
I would say that the closest you can get to having a kid without testing yourself out on an actual kid is to adopt a pet - you've done that successfully.
Also, you might consider spending some time volunteering in a situation where you can develop a long term relationship with a child. It's true it's not the same when you aren't the parent but I think there's a lot of fear of the unknown and you can get a better idea of what to expect. When the child is your own, you develop a sense of what their needs are and, at the same time, being so completely loved by them may bring out your urge to protect. They become a part of your team. It's a huge committment but they do grow up and leave you - to go to day care, to go to school, to develop their own relationships, and to live in their own place.
It's a trade-off for sure.

I missed that initially and returned to edit. I do understand your feelings. I have a dog that I love. Pets are so accepting of our needs.

I've started a pros and cons list

Pros

Christmas
Take to fun places
Teach it stuff like games and animals
Dress it how i want
Teach it my childhood
They can be funny



Cons

loud
expensive
No peace
It’ll have to have friends
messy
Have to make sure we discipline it properly
Have to feed it
Will probably need two
The ‘adoption’ talk

I'm adding to it as I think of stuff

Kids don't judge, they don't care about your opinion on politics, or anything, they're not snobs, not corrupted by societal norms, you can be silly with them and they won't judge you for it. I have the best time playing with my daughter, taking her to the theatre, workshops of all sorts, forests, botanical gardens...and i learned so much in the process. The best part is you forget about yourself by taking care of them, it's the best feeling in the world. also, they give you a sense of purpose, you feel like you matter since you help someone by teaching them all you know. I've never had any big problems with her, I don't feel drained, as I do with the others. She doesn't interrupt, she doesn't blame me for things, and she understands so much....and can be so funny. Especially when she asks me whether I was born at the time of the dinosaurs lol

you don't have to worry about being criticised, look down upon...and they're happy with the small stuff. I've rarely heard her complain, she's way more resilient than me. Also, they give the best hugs in the world. Speaking of being messy or loud - no, not all of them. My daughter is less clumsy than me! And I'm way louder than her. You don't need two....but it can help them learn social rules easier.

you're doing something very noble by adopting some kid, and giving them a chance of a better life.

if your mate is bound and determined to go through with it, it sounds like a possibility of a split, either before, or after. prepare. if you can't make yourself go into parenthood mode, it can't work and could be very unpleasant for all parties. it is decision time NOW.

jon85 you have expressed serious concerns. Don't let anyone tell you to just go along with buying a house and adopting kids and expext every will turn out alright just because. This isn't a fairy tale!

If you don't like gardening you might consider buying an apartment or a townhouse. If this is the case tell your partner!

Your partner may have been solely in charge up until now but it doesn't have to stay that way. You don't have to move into a house with a full front and back garden if you don't want to. No one can make you.

Think seriously about raising kids because your life will never be the same. Discuss it with your partner thoroughly. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, after all there are many adoptee kids who need stable and loving homes. I'm just saying to think long and hard and discuss it with your partner before you make a decision that is not easily reversed.