Divorce?

Post Reply New Topic

Last edited by nina on 21 Sep 2005, 12:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think parents have trouble even relating to their biological children. If you husband is not hurtful to your son I think you should give them both time to learn to adjust. My AS son is my husband's biological son and he still has trouble relating and I have trouble relating to my daughter.

It is really up to you but maybe you should talk to your son about how he feels about his stepfather. You might be feeling things for your son that your son does not feel.

Y

I think professional counseling would be a good idea, i appreciate your husbands honesty, so i think a counselor will be able to work with him, and help him learn how to relate to his son, yes I said his son.Because he is. I know alot of parents who can't even relate to their own biological children.If your daughter was AS and your son wasn't, then maybe he would be closer to your son and not his daughter, who knows? I really think you guys should seek counseling.

My Dad and I often clashed because we couldn't work out why the other was doing what they were doing.

I often overheard many an argument between my Mum and Dad about me, where my Dad just couldn't comprehend my behaviour. It got better as I got older (though through puberty, physical confrontations did start...and disappear)...

And he is my biological father... so I can only imagine such incidents could be worse with a non-biological father...

GA (of course, what do I know? )

Last edited by nina on 21 Sep 2005, 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you go for counsling he may follow suite later

Y

Indeed. As they say, lead by example. Monkey see, Monkey do. :: searches for other appropriate phrases but fails... ::

GA

hello, Nina...

your Husband has had 5 years to figure out that he isn't getting it. what's wrong with him? is he lazy, or does he just like girl children better? or just maybe; is your husband on the spectrum too?
i was the middle of three kids. my younger brother was my mother's favorite, and my older brother was my father's favorite. i was somewhat nonverbal, and though it has taken me decades to see the truth of it; i guess that i was the family pet. which is to say that i got fed, most of the time.
i grew up honestly believing that both of my brothers were more important than i was. it just seemed right some how and i never questioned it. i learned how to keep to my place and not make any trouble. the only trouble with this, as i understand it now, was that i carried that same belief system through school with me, and on into life. i know it is the wrong way to think now, but there is not much that i can do about a life of belief systems built on that misconception.

i am 51 now, and have seen several families in my local area where there was one autistic child out of two or more "NT" children. and in every case the autistic child was being ignored for the most part simply because the family could. the autistic child was not making a fuse for the most part.
and in each of these cases it broke my heart because i saw my self. i saw a parity of what must have gone on in my family as i was growing up.
needless to say, i spoke right up and tried to explain to those mothers what was going on. it really doesn't take an expert to know and autistic child if you were one your self. it's as obvious as the nose on your face.

the point i am trying to make here is that your boy has only this one chance to get his growing up "right". or at least as "right" as he can get it. he deserves all the help that his mother and father have to give. if his father can't go to a special consoler who understands "AS" and or autistic children, then find some stuff for the man to read online and print it out for him. if that don't work, document your efforts for the divorce court, and kick his sorry ass out and get a good "Daddy" for your boy and girl. if that man can't "be a man" for your son today, how the hell is he going to help your son when he grows up?
i don't like divorce, but i like neglect even less.
of course, only you truly understand the situation that you have there......

fiver & friend's.....

How can you know how hard he's trying? It's not exactly a tangible measure, in this respect, is it?



I really don't see what your problem is. To be honest, you should think yourself bloody fortunate; it's very difficult to feel any attachment for a child that's not yours, you'll be very lucky to find a man that does. Perhaps you could look a little closer at the reality of your own expectations?

Neglect?? Going a bit far, is it not?

I guess for some women, men are just a commodity to be disposed of in the divorce court when they've served their purpose, or don't live up to some ridiculously idealistic notion they have of what they should be like.

well, Sir;
a bit judgmental are we?

i would have said the same of a woman who was potentially neglecting her child as well. besides that, i said nothing about "sticking it" to the man. just getting him out of the way so that Nina might find a good Father for the boy and girl. One Who has the humanity and maturity to love and care for both of them equally, Sir.

i will add to this that i have the experience to know. both from (as i had said in my first post) being a neglected autistic child. and from having parented children from both the point of view of mother and father. i am a two spirited individual, Sir. and have had 51 years of life watching the evil visited upon "NT" kids as they try to get through life after being neglected in less than ideal family's.

but wait a minute! we are discussing a child on "the spectrum". a child who can't compete with "NT" children in the first place. and if Nina's observations are valid; a child who can't even compete with his own sister for the love, care and protection of his "Daddy".....? yes, that is what i think that we are talking of here, Sir.

maybe you don't read this forum, SIr. maybe You haven't taken notice of all the young people in the spectrum who come here to talk of how they can't compete with all the other "NT" young people around them? maybe you haven't noticed how lonely most of the young people who have talked here, are?

i have, Sir. and it doesn't get any better with age.
that is why Nina's boy deserves the most attentive Father that Nina can find for him. now wouldn't you agree, Sir. or are you not living on a different planet?

after all, the boys father has a chance to straiten up and fly right. i don't think that Nina is going to go right out and divorce him just yet. She will keep trying for Her family's sake....

fiver & company.....

I need no lectures from you on loneliness, despair and general misery, thanks all the same. I have been diagnosed with AS, growing up with a father who showed very little interest in me, and a mother who liked to take her frustrations out on me with a belt. But, I can see they are good people, just human, and prone to the many imperfections common to that condition.

So, I think that qualifies me as much as anyone to comment.

Ok, so at least You and i both share something in common. to be honest, i thought that we did from the start.....

i will share something else with You, and everyone else here. i worshiped my father for decades; even though i knew my mother's abuse for what it was, i still needed to see my father as my hero. but in the end, i had to face that he too was guilty of both abuse and neglect. i faced this first when i said to myself that i would not do to children what had been done to me by my mother and father. and then i faced it with even more resolve when i looked at my two brother's and saw what i could have been had i been given the same amount of care, love and protection.

and then the real "Eye Opener" came when i saw the same thing being done to other autistic and "AS" children that i had met in the last few years.

please understand; i don't play the "Blame Game". i just live my life as best as i have the power to do so. but i absolutely will not be silent when i see another child put in the position that i was, and given no viable way out. that Sir; is both abuse and neglect. and i have no concern for the Adult's feelings whom i may hurt by saying so. my only concern is that there are as few children growing up to live the way i do, as is possible.

it takes time to see our lives for what they were; our parents for what they were; our selves for what we are now. it's taken fiver half a century, and she's still not done. but i will tell you what i will not do; i will not whitewash my family or my past just so i can feel at ease with it.
no only no, but hell No...!

fiver...

one other thought here;

i am not human. i am autistic.!
and if i can endeavor, as an autistic; to understand the "human condition" with compassion and love. then by god, they had better do the same for every mothers-son on the spectrum.
beyond that, i have no compassion for those "humans" who don't.....

5er...

Last edited by nina on 21 Sep 2005, 11:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with giving the guy a chance and im all for women standing by their men but he needs to start caring for you're son as well as you're daughter because as you have pointed out you're son will find it hard enough to get people to love and accept him for who he is in society in general without feeling unwanted at home. If he does'nt develop a bond with you're son given time then i think you should leave. Good luck and keep us informed in how it goes.