Androgyne,hiding from parents,confused, hetero,QueerGendered

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Ugh, I'm so upset. Tonight my Step Mother wanted to use my computer to search something on Google.com while I go on her laptop to switch her web browser. I made the excuse that my computer was kind of slow due to a lot of files on my desktop. I made this excuse because sometimes Google.com saves my searches like "Male Lesbian" or "Butch Tomboy" when I do gender studies and I didn't want her to discover this and ask me about it. I felt gulty afterwords so I sent a link to her email so she can install a new version of Internet Explorer herself.

I was in deep thought most of the evening so I watched a DVD to get away from my troubles. But still, I ask myself, why do I still need to hide this from my parents and what would I ever do if I was questioned. My father is homophobic, he would never shake a gay mans hand, but what if he would ever find out about me, he'll never speak to me again and probably say that I HATE NO SON, but then again, I don't know.

I feel like I disapointed him most of my life, plus being his only child.

1. For Having Asperger's Syndrome
2. For Being a Sissy (This relates a lot to my feminine behavor and personality)
3. Instead of liking Sports and masuline things, I'm into Humor and Animation.

4. Being Androgyne and being attracted to women who are transgendered or Butch (aka Masculine Gender) In Which Thank God he doesn't know yet.



People tell me, why do I upcess with this. Why do I worry? Why don't I just accept the way I am and leave it at that.

I want to make a life out of myself.

No offense to Heterosexual people but I thought that I was just another male who is Heterosexual but no. I'm starting to look at the world with a more stressful feeling. I thought that it was confusing having Asperger's already. Now I'm use to it, Now I got a new problem. I look at the world. Straight men like me are in love with Feminine Women and the men are more masculine then me. I'm sick of seeing this. I know that there's people who are gay and queer in gender terms.
But for some reason, I can't seem to fit in any catergory.


After the situation with my Step Mother. I locked the door, held my pillows close to me daydreaming about the manly girls I like and just thinking how unfair this world is and how doomed I will be in my future and no one understands.



You know what sucks most. The Masculine women that I like who are in the masculine boyish gender are usually attracted to feinine women.

Why are all heterosexual men masculine and into feminine women and why are masculine transgendered women into feminine women.

Where does an Androgynous masculine / Feminine Aspie like myself fit?

I'm sick and tired of people telling me not to worry about labels and junk. It's in the manner of Social Science and What am I.

I have Asperger's, Okay that's good, that's good, at least I know that part of myself, but now I'm Questioning my Sexuality and Gender.

Know what.


People might be annoyed with me here, Yahoo Answers and What is Gender.net. But you know what. Guess who has the confusion? Guess who doesn't have an answer?

Homosexuals have a catergory, Genderqueers and Transgender / Transsexuals do to, and So does Aspies (not relating to sex or gender, I'm just saying).

Everything has a catergory but me for this situation.


Every freakin day I hide everything from my parents, Anything relating to the types or girls I like and Gender Studies. Under my bed, in a secret shelf, etc.



I just don't know what to do?


There are times In my life where I feel that I..............well................dark thoughts that I would never commit to, let's just say.



I'm going to move into my own appartment next year Thank God. But I want to start an Androgynous dating Adult life.

I want to date Manly women in my life. I have feelings like I want to ware some make up and silky outfits.

It's like


Sexuallity I'm attracted to the women body

But emotionally I'm attracted to the masculine gender.


There's a difference between Gender and Sex


Sex: The body you were born or currently as or the body in general

Gender: Your Idenity, your Gender behavor



You all understand me?


I hate to repete myself and drive you all crazy but I got no one in my life to talk to, not even my pharapist. He knows nothing of this.


Again,

I'm still trying to find terms but I feel that I'm Androgynous. Even though I'm attracted to the female body, emotionally I'm attracted to the masculine gender role. People asked me if I was Gay or Bi and I would say no because I'm not attracted to the male body.

YOU ARE STRAIGHT, LOOKING FOR STRONG WOMAN.

Don't worry about telling anyone until they see you go out with one.

There's nothing to worry about, it's none of their business anyway.

1) create a second account on your computer for others to use - that way you can keep your browsing habits private.

2) in my 20's I had to experiment quite a bit to understand my gender and sexuality in many ways that was a lot of fun

3) every person is unique and different there is no requirement to fit into a specific category.

I hope you find someone to love.

You are an adult and you are capable of making your own decisions about what you like. It is your own personal preference as to what person you are attracted to. If your parents are disappointed.. oh well.. that's too bad. Parents can't control everything. You raise your children the best you can and when they are gown you have to let go and let them fly. This doesn't mean you have to share your sexual secrets with them. It means don't be ashamed of what you want and who you are. As long as there is nothing illegal about it, then you are fine.

1. Make a guest account for people to use (like the poster above said)

2. If they find out and question you, then answer honestly. Give a direct short answer. I like masculine looking women. Leave it at that.

3. If they give you a hard time, then assert that you are an adult and you know what you like. Your body, your choice.

I have very good friend who is AS-ish and has a very similar preference.
It has caused him some anguish in his life...the extent of which I can't quite comprehend..

He is one of my very favorite people.
For about the first year that I knew him though, I thought he was gay, since he is somewhat effeminate and very shy and likes to dress up in women's clothes...and we just never talked about the matter of his sexuality.

Its like this.........I feel that I'm Androgynous on the inside even though I don't show it on the outside since I'm going to live with my parents until next year. Anyways, I want to explor the Androgyne lifestyle. Meet Friends, date Genderqueer girls, and maybe dress and experiment with make up and make myself look the way in which I can stand looking at myself in the mirror. I always HATE looking at myself and wearing the stereotypical male clothes.


Plus apart of that, I want to explor natural humor theories like pranks and random wackyness and funnyy immaturity to shock society.

Basicly I want to enjoy life and make it the way that I want it. It's like I could never put these feelings in words until now.

It's nice that people try to encourage me telling me not to worry, but I need some place to go in order to meet people like this.

if you put "LGBT youth group your town" in your google search it will come up with groups for under 25s in your area. Try ringing the local LGBT phoneline which may be able to support you and also tell you about local groups.

Also try joining a yahoo group as there are lots of great ones.

"press for change" is a good website with lots of information

I thought being gay and having Asperger's was bad. But people like you exist, why else would they invent the word "androgyne." I do hope I make something out of your life.

P.S. Your father is homophobic, but you're not exactly gay. What are you afraid of anyway?

Well you see my parents are very old fashioned. They had very strict upbringings.

They don't understand that Sex and Gender are seperate things. Sex is the body you are in and Gender is what you are mentally.

So in otherwords. Sex: I'm a Guy. Sexual: I'm Heterosexual. Gender: I feel that I'm Androgyne. Gender Attraction: Masculine.

Since my parents are so old fashioned, they would think that the facts of me liking a masculine figure and me having more feminine behavor around them is considered Gay. But technically it's more.......Genderqueer or Gender Reversal.

I'm attracted to women sexually but not attracted to the Feminine Gender.


I've chatted with LGBT sites and they couldn't figure me out.


I wished that there was some place to go and meet people like this like Androgyne and Gender different from their asigned Sex.

It's depressing.



I often feel trapped and angered because I know that I need to keep following gender roles until I move out of my parents house next year.

I want to wear silky clothing and maybe some lip stick and only a little bit of make up. And a leather jacket.
I totally want to dress a little bit Androgynous. But it's like what my parents told me when I was in high school "You got a lot of weirdos at your school. I don't understand how their parnets let them go out the door dressed like that. If you dressed like that, I would tell you to change them into something more desent otherwise you wouldn't be allowed out the door.


But anyways, yeah my Father. He would never speak to someone who is gay, not even a hello, not even a handshake. He has this serious belief that's it so wrong. Both of my parents are homophobic. So there's a possibility that if they ever found out about my Androgyne life, they would never speak to be again. But I'll have them find out when I start dating the masculine girls that I like so therefore there will be nothing that they could do. But for right now, I'm still living at their house so If I told them right now, it's so possible that they would question me hard and expect me to answer right on the spot. I don't like discussing personal stuff to them because that part of my life isn't their business and they shouldn't have an opinion over my gender or orientation anyways. But anyways, yeah, it's the fact that I can lose their respect for me just because of all this. That's why I'm exited that I'm going to be on my own next year so I can start my own privite life without them NAGGING about it.

You like tough, manly women. I see nothing "gay" about that. It's all a matter of prefrence.

If revealing your preferance to your parents would cause strife, wait till you have your own appartment.

Yeah, but the thing is not only I like tough, manly women but women who conform to the masculine gender role in terms of dress, speech and behavor.

And yeah, I'll probably wait until I have a relationship like that so it's kind of like a "There's nothing that you can do or say" sort of thing. Because If I told them now since I'm still living in their house and rules, they would feel free to question me as much as possible because I'm mostly at home so they can get access to me as much as possible for now.

Anyways, I think that I might be Bi-Gender.

I just read the article and it sounds very simular to what I go through,

I had a horrable morning this morning. Woke up angry and depressed.

There's a LGBT support group in Rhode Island but I'm not sure if I qualify, But then again T is for either Transgender or Transsexual so I feel that I'm related to the Transgender part of it cause it relates to Bi-Gender and Androgyne and Genderqueer.

Working in isolation isn't helping, from the look of it. Even if it isn't a perfect fit, it is at least a step in a different direction... It is very difficult to understand the apparent need you have to find an ideal definition or label; the closest I can approximate is my own desire to understand why I seemed to think differently than those around me... but it took on a different manner than how your own needs are being expressed. Even if you don't have a single word for your outlook, you do know what it is at this moment - you are a physical male with effeminate qualities and interests, are attracted to women with very masculine traits, are largely heterosexual but with gender role reversal and an appreciation of gender atypical forms. If I might ask, why are you so intent on finding this single all-encompassing definition for who you are? It confuses me, as I would think experiencing who you are would be more beneficial instead of self-examination without being able to be yourself. Not picking on you, Eric... I'm just not understanding, and see you continue to split hairs over and over again.


M.

I have feelings inside me that's not usual for heterosexual males. I want to meet people that I can relate to, I want to study gender related topics and Androgyne.

I'm sick being in a world with normal heterosexuals and me being the outcast always looking out for myself. I'm tired of the social laws that men have to be the masculine ones and women need to be the feminine ones.

I'm sick of all these norms.

But I'm flyping surrounded. Esspecially my parents. I don't mean to put them down but they aren't different from society's norms for every little thing.

How am I suppost to nonconform if I don't have support or people who can relate to this idel?

There is little in this world that is normal, only ranges of acceptable for the masses. I certainly don't conform to the stereotypes of masculinity or the male standard - weep entirely too often, have very strong aesthetic sense (despite no fashion sense, ha), desire a partner who is not representative of the normative "ideals" for a woman, prefer arts to sports, literature to action, et al. But there are differences in the makeup of each and every person out there, since we're not popped out of the muffin mold all at the same time. There was something you wrote that made me cock my head to the side - "How am I suppost to nonconform if I don't have support or people who can relate to this idel?" - which I find rather telling... if there are others supporting and sharing in your idea, it is ultimately another form of conformity; being on your own provides you the opportunity to decide for yourself what you want to do. You refer to your parents holding you from being who you want to be... will you continue to act like someone else around them in the future once you -are- out on your own? Will that be satisfying? Who are you living to make happy and content - yourself, or the rest of the world? You have the ability to ignore social constraints. Yes, there will be reactions and responses, a good number not pleasant or positive, but it is the price one pays when moving upstream and against the tide. I don't consider that to be a bad thing, just part of the cost of being oneself... nothing in this world comes without a price of some sort. One of the things I've learned from asking and talking with others who venture out into society is that you will always have to be the one looking out for yourself. It is uncomfortable for me, and I remain painfully aware of others, but no one else is going to put you as their priority over themselves and look out for your interests. That's your job in the scheme of things, in my mind and experience. If you want to pursue this, I think you have to acknowledge to yourself that others will be confused, they may be upset, but that is not your problem - it is their own to deal with. You're taking on your problem by finding yourself. Sorry if I'm coming off as overtly direct or confrontational, as that is not the intent - I am concerned, as your posts seem to be suspended in this middle ground of repetition without progress. The old adage of not being able to make an omelette without breaking some eggs might be appropriate here.


M.