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Potentially silly question about online dating...

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hyperlexian
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09 Nov 2011, 12:44 pm

LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
some women do send the first message. not as many as men, but there are women who do. OKTrends stated that men are half as likely to get responses as women - which is too bad. anyways they also have many many stats about the messages women send, so obviously... women are sending messages. real, legitimate women, even.


It's true, I get a fair amount of first messages from women who are clearly not scammer/spammers Unfortunately, they are all 48-year-old alcoholic single mothers with three or more kids. I am not sure why this particular demographic should so often and so willingly break the "gender rules" of messaging that so many others abide by. I have to assume they're either drunk or desperate, or some combination thereof.

perhaps your profile is attracting a demographic that you are not interested in.


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LexF
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09 Nov 2011, 2:05 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
some women do send the first message. not as many as men, but there are women who do. OKTrends stated that men are half as likely to get responses as women - which is too bad. anyways they also have many many stats about the messages women send, so obviously... women are sending messages. real, legitimate women, even.


It's true, I get a fair amount of first messages from women who are clearly not scammer/spammers Unfortunately, they are all 48-year-old alcoholic single mothers with three or more kids. I am not sure why this particular demographic should so often and so willingly break the "gender rules" of messaging that so many others abide by. I have to assume they're either drunk or desperate, or some combination thereof.

perhaps your profile is attracting a demographic that you are not interested in.


I'm certain of it. I just don't know what to do about it other than shut my brain off and write everything in text-speak.



hyperlexian
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09 Nov 2011, 2:07 pm

LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
some women do send the first message. not as many as men, but there are women who do. OKTrends stated that men are half as likely to get responses as women - which is too bad. anyways they also have many many stats about the messages women send, so obviously... women are sending messages. real, legitimate women, even.


It's true, I get a fair amount of first messages from women who are clearly not scammer/spammers Unfortunately, they are all 48-year-old alcoholic single mothers with three or more kids. I am not sure why this particular demographic should so often and so willingly break the "gender rules" of messaging that so many others abide by. I have to assume they're either drunk or desperate, or some combination thereof.

perhaps your profile is attracting a demographic that you are not interested in.


I'm certain of it. I just don't know what to do about it other than shut my brain off and write everything in text-speak.

that would be silly. you should be checking out other men's profiles. look for those who are seeking a similar demographic and go from there.


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LexF
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09 Nov 2011, 2:13 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
some women do send the first message. not as many as men, but there are women who do. OKTrends stated that men are half as likely to get responses as women - which is too bad. anyways they also have many many stats about the messages women send, so obviously... women are sending messages. real, legitimate women, even.


It's true, I get a fair amount of first messages from women who are clearly not scammer/spammers Unfortunately, they are all 48-year-old alcoholic single mothers with three or more kids. I am not sure why this particular demographic should so often and so willingly break the "gender rules" of messaging that so many others abide by. I have to assume they're either drunk or desperate, or some combination thereof.

perhaps your profile is attracting a demographic that you are not interested in.


I'm certain of it. I just don't know what to do about it other than shut my brain off and write everything in text-speak.

that would be silly. you should be checking out other men's profiles. look for those who are seeking a similar demographic and go from there.


I've done that, but it hasn't been very helpful. Lots of pictures of guys holding up a fish they just caught, and innumerable NASCAR references.

Most of the men's profiles I've read seem to be directed towards finding someone very traditional, very mainstream. Wife/family, that sort of thing. Or they want NSA. I don't see many men looking for a girl with any intellect or creativity. I'm not sure "girl with intellect and creativity" even works as a demographic. I would think that my being an author might appeal to that type, but that presumes any of them a.) exist, and b.) use the same sites I'm on.



Grisha
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09 Nov 2011, 2:20 pm

LexF wrote:
I've done that, but it hasn't been very helpful. Lots of pictures of guys holding up a fish they just caught, and innumerable NASCAR references.

Most of the men's profiles I've read seem to be directed towards finding someone very traditional, very mainstream. Wife/family, that sort of thing. Or they want NSA. I don't see many men looking for a girl with any intellect or creativity. I'm not sure "girl with intellect and creativity" even works as a demographic. I would think that my being an author might appeal to that type, but that presumes any of them a.) exist, and b.) use the same sites I'm on.


I think location has a lot to do with it too. When I was doing online dating, the vast majority of my actual dates were in the more urban areas of LA, almost none of them were from suburban Orange County, where I live. I actually considered moving at one point for this reason...

Have you tried ignoring logistics and widening your geographical search area? It might be enlightening even if you're not situated to make such a relationship work...



hyperlexian
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09 Nov 2011, 2:22 pm

LexF wrote:
[I've done that, but it hasn't been very helpful. Lots of pictures of guys holding up a fish they just caught, and innumerable NASCAR references.

Most of the men's profiles I've read seem to be directed towards finding someone very traditional, very mainstream. Wife/family, that sort of thing. Or they want NSA. I don't see many men looking for a girl with any intellect or creativity. I'm not sure "girl with intellect and creativity" even works as a demographic. I would think that my being an author might appeal to that type, but that presumes any of them a.) exist, and b.) use the same sites I'm on.

so... you want the same women as the guys who go to NASCAR and go fishing? i'm confused here - sounds like those men might want a woman with a different sort of interests.

look worldwide to get ideas for your profile. there are likely many men with similar interests (who are looking or similar types of women). there are no two people who are exactly alike, but i have never seen a man's profile that is so incredibly different from everyone else's that they would stand out as unmatchable to all women on the site in some massive way.


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mv
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09 Nov 2011, 2:27 pm

LexF, I think you just need to GTFO of Indiana. I don't think you're going to find (without a lot of digging) what you're looking for, there. Do you live near Bloomington? That might be your best bet.



SoftlyStepping
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09 Nov 2011, 2:35 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
some women do send the first message. not as many as men, but there are women who do. OKTrends stated that men are half as likely to get responses as women - which is too bad. anyways they also have many many stats about the messages women send, so obviously... women are sending messages. real, legitimate women, even.


It's true, I get a fair amount of first messages from women who are clearly not scammer/spammers Unfortunately, they are all 48-year-old alcoholic single mothers with three or more kids. I am not sure why this particular demographic should so often and so willingly break the "gender rules" of messaging that so many others abide by. I have to assume they're either drunk or desperate, or some combination thereof.

perhaps your profile is attracting a demographic that you are not interested in.


Make a guy's profile. Put it in a big city. See what it's like to "be a man."

It's a cold, cold world, I'm tellin' you.



hyperlexian
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09 Nov 2011, 2:57 pm

SoftlyStepping wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
some women do send the first message. not as many as men, but there are women who do. OKTrends stated that men are half as likely to get responses as women - which is too bad. anyways they also have many many stats about the messages women send, so obviously... women are sending messages. real, legitimate women, even.


It's true, I get a fair amount of first messages from women who are clearly not scammer/spammers Unfortunately, they are all 48-year-old alcoholic single mothers with three or more kids. I am not sure why this particular demographic should so often and so willingly break the "gender rules" of messaging that so many others abide by. I have to assume they're either drunk or desperate, or some combination thereof.

perhaps your profile is attracting a demographic that you are not interested in.


Make a guy's profile. Put it in a big city. See what it's like to "be a man."

It's a cold, cold world, I'm tellin' you.

ummmm ok..... not sure what you are going on about. women do respond to messages. not as many as men who respond to women's messages but that doesn't make it a cold, cold world or whatever. shesh.


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SoftlyStepping
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09 Nov 2011, 3:01 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
SoftlyStepping wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
LexF wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
some women do send the first message. not as many as men, but there are women who do. OKTrends stated that men are half as likely to get responses as women - which is too bad. anyways they also have many many stats about the messages women send, so obviously... women are sending messages. real, legitimate women, even.


It's true, I get a fair amount of first messages from women who are clearly not scammer/spammers Unfortunately, they are all 48-year-old alcoholic single mothers with three or more kids. I am not sure why this particular demographic should so often and so willingly break the "gender rules" of messaging that so many others abide by. I have to assume they're either drunk or desperate, or some combination thereof.

perhaps your profile is attracting a demographic that you are not interested in.


Make a guy's profile. Put it in a big city. See what it's like to "be a man."

It's a cold, cold world, I'm tellin' you.

ummmm ok..... not sure what you are going on about. women do respond to messages. not as many as men who respond to women's messages but that doesn't make it a cold, cold world or whatever. shesh.


Experience is the best teacher. Give it a shot.



hyperlexian
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09 Nov 2011, 3:06 pm

SoftlyStepping wrote:
Experience is the best teacher. Give it a shot.

i've had so many fake profiles you have no idea lol. so been there, done that. but your point is rather... dramatic. don't really see what it has to do with the price of tea in China.

i have given the best advice i can to at least 10 people about their OKC profiles... dunno if any of it helped but i did try. people do meet other people and have relationships based on their online profiles. solid statistics are helpful, as are objective critiques. doom and gloom is much less helpful and won't get anyone a date.


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SoftlyStepping
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09 Nov 2011, 3:22 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
SoftlyStepping wrote:
Experience is the best teacher. Give it a shot.

i've had so many fake profiles you have no idea lol. so been there, done that. but your point is rather... dramatic. don't really see what it has to do with the price of tea in China.

i have given the best advice i can to at least 10 people about their OKC profiles... dunno if any of it helped but i did try. people do meet other people and have relationships based on their online profiles. solid statistics are helpful, as are objective critiques. doom and gloom is much less helpful and won't get anyone a date.


The email disparity is just the tip of the iceberg. True, the less important part.

Guys will give you their number. Girls won't.
Guys will meet you for a date. Girls won't.

There are a few exceptions to this rule. And it takes a guy a lot of work to find the exceptions.

My advice to the guys is, just pound the pavement until you find someone.

The chicks need to stop being so childish. Present company excluded, of course.



LexF
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09 Nov 2011, 3:25 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
look worldwide to get ideas for your profile. there are likely many men with similar interests (who are looking or similar types of women). there are no two people who are exactly alike, but i have never seen a man's profile that is so incredibly different from everyone else's that they would stand out as unmatchable to all women on the site in some massive way.


I've been using dating sites since 1998, and. although I've met 9 people from those sites, I would not characterize any of the experiences as successful, unless "successful" now has a new meaning something along the lines of "disaster of Hindenburg proportions."

I have tried many different profile styles. None of it has made an iota of difference. I seem to attract spammers, scammers, alcoholic single mothers, and women whose idea of a perfect relationship is "I have to lie to him so I can make him CHANGE later on!"

I'm not really looking anymore. Not that I'm closing the door completely, but I've tried so many sites over so many years, and there just aren't any women who see anything more to life than babies and booze. Or, if there are, they're not using dating sites. I don't know.

The few I run across who are literate and sensible are inevitably 897,000 miles away, and I am most definitely not looking for an LDR, nor am I in any position to move anytime soon.

As for the "unmatchable" issue -- eHarmony told me I was unmatchable when I took their 29-point matching personality profile thingie a few years back. Of course, that may just be because I'm not religious or homophobic enough to be welcome on their site.



LexF
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09 Nov 2011, 3:31 pm

Grisha wrote:
I think location has a lot to do with it too. When I was doing online dating, the vast majority of my actual dates were in the more urban areas of LA, almost none of them were from suburban Orange County, where I live. I actually considered moving at one point for this reason...

Have you tried ignoring logistics and widening your geographical search area? It might be enlightening even if you're not situated to make such a relationship work...


Yeah, I've tired the obligatory "search parameter" variations, and I've even tried things like using random zip codes as my location, just to see what happens. For the most part, the profiles I see are so vapid, so empty, so cliched, so identical, that I almost have to believe there's a "Dating Site Profiles for Dummies" book out there, with a boilerplate informationless profile template, that everyone is using. If there isn't, I think we can now prove that the "group mind" concept is real. And that there isn't much inside it.



SoftlyStepping
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09 Nov 2011, 5:53 pm

I draw a distinction between intellectual stimulation and romance. The intellectual part just ain't gonna be there.



LexF
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09 Nov 2011, 6:13 pm

SoftlyStepping wrote:
I draw a distinction between intellectual stimulation and romance. The intellectual part just ain't gonna be there.


For me, romance without intellectual stimulation is gonna be over in 3 months.